Bye Bye August

August has been good to me. Between vacation time and "sick days" I have not worked a five day week this whole entire month. One of the perks of my job is the 7+ weeks of paid time I get! Today is my last vacation day before a long fall, and a crazy busy September. I can not believe how fast this summer went by, tomorrow is September!!!! 

Today we are lounging in our jammies, watching some sesame street and later venturing out for another practice shoot. I am hopefully launching my photography this month and I am portfolio building- who better to practice on then my favorite model? Stay tuned!

Churning

As I previously posted, it's been a good couple of days round' here. I have been using some vacation time, taking 3 day weekends and it's been great. Noah is slowly starting to eat better, some days are better than others but I will take what I can get.

With fall coming, and Noah's two year birthday nearing I have been thinking of some way to donate something to the NICU although I am not quite sure what. I have not been back since we walked out those doors on 11-15-07 and while I am sure it would be a pretty difficult experience to go back there, I have this urge to do it. I feel like I am at a turning point in this healing process and in some ways it will give me some peace, closure. I also want the neonatologist and nurses to see Noah, to hear Noah and to realize and remember that giving parents hope is probably the best medicine you can give them in a time of sheer horror. 

I was thinking maybe some edible arrangements for the nurses and maybe gift bags or something to donate to NICU families- I am just not sure what to fill them with. My bigger gears have been churning as far as starting a foundation that helps NICU families in the days and weeks that follow after their baby comes home- resources, PTSD and PPD screenings and group therapy. The social worker and therapist in me coupled with the I've been there factor realizes how desperately this is needed.  Big dream, but a girl can dream big right? For now I will stick with goodies but maybe someday.

Good Day

Lately I find myself missing the january baby that should have been. Putting TTC off until November makes it even worse. We went to the fair last night and it seems like I hone in on pregnant woman, woman who are about as pregnant as I would have been- ugh.  Lately I've been a little funky and hormonal. Today was such a needed breath of fresh air. Quiet work day. My mom babysat ( who could ask for better?). Afternoon at the park. Late nap ( still napping). Quiet house with a glass of wine to unwind with. Late summer evening. Simply a good day.

That time of year

If there are any original blog readers out there who read my blog from the start back when I blogged under a different name, you would know that last summer I was dreading fall. Autumn has always been my favorite season, I even chose to get married in October because in my opinion nothing beats the changing leaves and pumpkins, the smell of cinnamon, apple cider doughnuts...oh I could go on and on and on!

Everything fall now reminds me of Noah. The cusp of when life was simple and when one fleeting moment with the birth of my son changed our lives in more ways than one. Last year as the summer days were coming to and end and fall was nearing I was honestly a bit sad. I kept thinking back to "this time last year" in the fall of 2007 when my belly was the closest thing I had to a pumpkin and when the excitement of impending motherhood was hanging overhead. Fall 2007 was the last simple time of my life and in the fall of 2008 I was angry and bitter about the past year. Gladly as November 10, 2008 approached the sadness was not long lasting and was replaced by the celebration of my sons life and how far he had come and we had come as a family.

This year I am happy to report that no feelings of sadness have entered my head when thinking about the upcoming fall season. I am SO looking forward to hayrides, apple picking, pumpkin picking and planning Noah's SECOND birthday- how could there be room for any sad feelings here?

Fall is now my season of healing.

Lately I feel on the cusp of great things. What better time of year than now to get things rolling.

defense

I have posted about this before, but as I experience it almost daily I thought I would write about it again. 

Parents are competitive.

People are asses sometimes.

I was at the park with Noah this morning ( called in sick!) and in the sandbox I had my first annoying encounter of the morning. A little girl was playing, she appeared Noah's age. Her mother was looking on. She asks me "how old is he, one?". I respond- actually he will be two in November. "Oh" she responds.  WTF??? there is NO WAY he appears to be one, he was almost the same size as her daughter who turns out will be two next month. Was she trying to piss me off?

A few minutes later Noah was shoveling sand and it was flying in the air. I gently asked Noah to stop since I didn't want sand to get in anyone else's eyes. " You should listen to your mother" she states, glaring at Noah. 

Sometimes I hate people.

I know all parents feel the need to defend their child but I can't help but feel super defensive when it comes to Noah. When your child had a brain injury hours after being born ( in my case anyway) you feel an extra sting when people make stupid comments. I can remember when Noah wasn't walking at 12 months I felt SO defensive, or when he was a picky eater when it was time to start solids ( and still is!), I felt SO defensive. Talking? If I encounter a younger kid with a better vocabulary, you guessed it, SO defensive! 

We had a good time at the park but that lady pissed me off- another ripple I guess.

They left this out of the manual

As I lay on Noah's floor beside his crib, pretending to go nigh nigh , I could not help but wonder where was my warning about this one? You know the warnings- the ones about sleepless nights, dirty diapers, etc. etc. This whole hysterical toddler who is suddenly afraid of his crib, the one who would eat waffles and bagels for breakfast lunch and dinner, certainly no warning or manuel came with his package!

Noah eats like crap but sleeps like a champ, I am still saying sleep and not slept because I am hoping and praying that this is a very quick phase. On saturday night Noah woke up at about 3am SCREAMING for Mama and Daddy, when I went in his room he was petrified and would not settle back in his crib, finally I brought him back in our bed where he slept the rest of the night. Sunday we had our a.c. fiasco, but again Noah would not go in his crib, he cried so hard he threw up! Last night was the worst. We had our night time routine, we read good night moon, we tried to give our night night kisses but Noah immediately started pouting, which turned to crying, which turned to full blown screaming. I brought him in his room, all the while he was screaming Mama and Daddy, nooooo nigh nigh. I let him cry for a few, he screamed, I checked on him and he was shaking. Really heartbreaking. This went on for TWO hours. I think he finally fell asleep due to sheer exhaustion from being so hysterical. Then, he woke up at 3am the same way, and screamed for another 1.5 hours before going back to sleep.

What is this all about??? Night terror on saturday has him terrified of his room??? Not sure how to handle this one...

Tantrum, adult style

Last night was one of this " this is so ridiculous I don't know if I should laugh or cry" moments. 

Some background facts: Currently in new york it's about 90 degrees. The K family does not like the heat. My husband is a 29 year old baby. Add this together and throw in a very  tired toddler and you'll get the mess I am about to explain.

We always spend sunday's with my parents who live about 45 min away. We are in the midst of a heatwave and since there house is nice and cool we spent every last second there before it was time to leave. Our new house is duct for central air but with all things we sorta ran out of money in the end and decided to forgo the central air for now. Sounded good in November, not so good now.  I digress..... my father gave us an old A.C  to put in Noah's room since we have one in ours and his room was awfully hot. 

We left around 8pm, got home at almost 9. My husband immediately starts frantically ripping the A.C out of our window to put that one in Noah's room and put the one my father gave us in our window. Clencher- the "new" A.C from my dad didn't really work. So now after all his "hard" work, Noah's room is freezing and ours is stifling. Why he didn't just leave our A.C alone is beyond me. 

I put Noah to bed and we lay down to watch our sunday night True Blood. My husband is sweating and bitching and hops out of bed to switch the A.C's once again. Obviously he disturbes Noah in this mess and I can hear Noah SCREAMING and crying for DaDa and MaMa. I let him cry for a bit as he is almost 2 and I don't want to get him in the habit of waking at night again. After a few screams I went to check on him and he was COVERED in puke, must have puked from crying to hard.... gah!

So I gave Noah a bath, hubby switched the A.C.'s for what seemed like the 10th time and we all settled in by 10:15. Ahhh, life with two babies!

Heart and Head

As a social worker I often use the phrase "separate your heart from your head". The decision to have another baby fits this phrase perfectly. My heart aches to be pregnant, actually it has ached since I had Noah and I was on the quest to "re-write my version of childbirth. As time went on I knew I could not get pregnant just to try and heal from my experience with Noah but as he grew and time healed certain wounds I felt strong enough to give motherhood another go ahead. Then I had a miscarriage. Bad luck. Cruel twist. Random or tied to Noah's situation? Whatever the case, it sucked and it made my ache for another baby even stronger. 

After the miscarriage it became clear that my husband was not ready for a baby. Not that he was glad I lost our January baby but in a way I think he was relieved. The economy is bad. We are late 20-somethings living in a brand new house. I drive a new volvo and my husband has a new truck. I am social worker and we all know we are not the highest paid people around. Yes some of the purchases were our choice, but we have also made a lot of good choices and just got the luck of the dice of being young adults in a recession. 

Daycare is expensive. I have been lucky this past 21months and between my mother in law and mother we have had free childcare. In September we will be paying 120 a week for his 3 days of childcare ( cheap by some standards but still an extra 480 a month!). Logically if we times this by two kids and bump it to five days a week which it will eventually evolve to, it does not make sense for me to even work, and I need to work.

So that is where I must separate my heart from my head. My heart that aches to be pregnant now and my head that tells me the timing is just plain bad. My husband and I discussed it last night and of course I ended up in tears and slept on the couch, always the drama queen I am. This morning we had a less hormonal conversation and agreed on trying in November. Not the end of the world but also not ideal. I worry about waiting too long, it taking me awhile to conceive, having another miscarriage. But in the end my head tells me to stop worrying and my heart tells me it will all be ok.

21 Months and back from the beach!

What a glorious sun filled week we had! I must say, staying in a house with my husband, brother and parents was quiet the experience and while there was many a moment when I wanted to gauge my eyeball with a sharp object, I came back rested and motivated to start making some long overdue changes in my life. 

It was so nice to spend the week with Noah as a family. While I often take vacation days and spend them with Noah, my husband only takes the week off once a year. To say Noah thoroughly enjoyed having his mommy and daddy would be an understatement. He had a talking explosion last week, repeating just about everything and saying some two work phrases. He also started saying "back" and in "come back" when anyone left the room- so cute! This morning when my husband left for work Noah proclaimed -BACK!!!!.... I have a feeling it will be a big adjustment having us back at work this week.

The daily grind is back in full swing, I called a daycare provider this week and secured a spot, she is my co-workers cousin who also watches her daughter. I am looking into a preschool as well but I still think Noah may need the buffer of a small in home day care for a few months before taking the huge plunge to preschool.