6 weeks

Today I am 6 weeks and while I want to savor this pregnancy, I can't wait until I am past 6 weeks 5 days, the day I started spotting the last time. I am pretty optimistic since old mother morning sickness has come a' knocking and while it's pretty shitty, it's also a good sign- so yes, puking makes me happy!
Only 8 more days until we ( hopefully) see the heartbeat!

Fall in Love

Optimism

In an attempt to prevent a daily freak out I have a few mantra's that I repeat in my head over and over and over again. When I think of the next 9 months it's pretty hard to not get overwhelmed or riddled with anxiety and fear. Since I am sure the last few weeks of this pregnancy will be the worst considering Noah's history, I am trying, despite the miscarriage to chill for now. The fact that I am less likely to miscarry than I am to carry this baby to term is what has been getting me through. I took a sick day today. The weather here is gorgeous, Noah and I just spent the morning shopping and now that he is settled in for his nap I am sipping my non-fat decaf no-whip pumpkin spice latte ( say that 3 times fast ;) Today is a good day, I am pregnant and I love my baby.....

5 weeks

Today I am 5 weeks pregnant, the same amount of weeks that our last little nugget stopped growing, the sac measured 5 weeks when I should have been 7 weeks. Today I am willing this bean to grow, Grow, GROW!

Green

I have posted about jealousy before and as selfish and immature as I feel I thought where better to let out my feelings.

Today I called my best friend, the friend I have had since I was 11 years old. My maid of honor. I told her I was pregnant and she had news for me too....turns out she is 10 weeks pregnant herself, due about 5 weeks before me. Immediately I was THRILLED! We spent the next hour talking about morning sickness and cravings. We made plans to go shopping for maternity clothes. She is in Jersey and I an in New York so we live far but vowed to get together, what a great journey for us to share!

Once we hung up I started feeling really moody. I had cramps. Was I having a miscarriage? Noah wouldn't eat lunch, I was getting extra annoyed. My husband- I got short with him too. I started thinking- what made me suddenly so snappy? Then I realized.....I was jealous. Not jealous that N is pregnant, because really I am very excited. I think the jealousy stemmed from her being almost in the second trimester while I am barely 5 weeks, fresh from the throws of a miscarriage. I also realized how much a miscarriage would devastate me. Not that it wouldn't have if N wasn't pregnant, just that now I would have a reminder of what could have been.

I am trying SO hard to stay positive. SO hard not to let the anxiety get the best of me. But fact of the matter is that until I see a heart beating on october 6th, I am going to be petrified every single day.

Dr. Google

When Noah first came home from the hospital I spent hours, and days, and weeks, and months scouring medical journals and articles on neonatal seizures. If you ever google neonatal seizure what comes up is very unpleasant and the result of that sent me into a depressed and anxious state for at least Noah's 1st year. Once I stepped away from the laptop I realized how unhealthy it was to google things and then take what I read as truth and fact . 

Now that I am pregnant again I am once again turning to google. After the miscarriage I have started to scour data, hormone levels, reoccurrence rates, symptoms, lack of symptoms, progesterone, hcg numbers- you name it, I have looked it up. After I got my blood work results on Thursday afternoon I couldn't wait to get home and start "googling".  Have I not learned my lesson?

Yesterday I had a doctors appointment, she was very reassuring. I have an ultrasound on October 6th- 3 weeks. Hoping, praying and wishing that we see a healthy beating heart. I will be beyond devastated if we don't. Until then, I am turning in my doctorate from google and leaving it up to the real professionals....

Waiting game

I go in waves of being really really positive and starting to freak. I had my 2nd blood drawing yesterday and I am hoping to get a call today telling me everything looks good, if no call I have an appointment tomorrow. I keep preparing myself that they are going to call and tell me my levels are low, but on the flip side I quickly "shoo" this out of my head and tell myself everything is ok. Craziness! I really do have to take this one day at a time and for someone as hyper as myself taking things slowly is very very hard. On a positive note my boobs have started randomly burning, taking this as a good signs. Grasping for straws?  I don't know but for today I will take what i can get =)

Jinx?

So I put a pretty little "ticker" on my blog. I was thinking of not doing this until I at least see a heartbeat but today I am pregnant so why not celebrate? I don't want to jinx myself but I also want to enjoy this, such a fine line. 

Yesterday I went and had my progesterone and my beta's taken, I go back on the 16th for more blood and then an appointment on friday. I am feeling mostly calm and positive but when I start getting excited I always have this nagging feeling that I shouldn't get excited yet. Praying for good progesterone and beta's that double!

Since I am pee-on-a-stick happy ( and thank god for dollar store pregnancy tests) I have been taking a test every morning. They keep getting darker, and today's like was the darkest yet- this make me very happy. I could stare at that line all day.....

Up and down, and then back up

I waited until saturday morning to tell my husband. I knew he was going to freak. We got the bill for our school taxes this week, 5,000 dollars due by 11/5- ha! Needless to say we have been stressed about our finances. I knew that news of a baby would send him over the edge, and it did. The whole birth control "error" was really my husbands doing. Yes it takes two to tango but the man is the one in control of his ship sooooo when he got semi-mad I freaked. I am hormonal and of course on edge since that is where pregnancy sends me, so his getting mad did not really fly well. I wasn't going to tell anyone but since my at-times-a-complete-ass of a husband reacted the way he did, I called my mom. She told me to give him some time, which I did and by Sunday we were both starting to get excited about a new baby. Lots of ups and downs as usual. 

I am trying not to psycho analyze every pregnancy symptom ( or lack there of) but it's so hard to not constantly think something is wrong. It's going to be a long 40 weeks! And I thought that I'd never say this but I *hope* by breasts start burning and I am so pukeyI can't stand it....at least then I will know the little nugget is doing what it's supposed to be doing in there!!

MAYbe a baby?

I am pregnant. Two.pink.lines. Due date is May 25th, 2010. I am shocked. My husband has super sperm. NObody knows as I just found out. Thank God for my "Secret Blog". Please pray for a sticky baby!

Crying is for babies!

Noah did not cry- he started playing and didn't look back. I will admit I sobbed all the way to work but we both survived. Noah was happy all day and while he only ate ritz crackers for lunch he did take a two hour nap! Crying is for babies, not my BIG boy. Here is to hoping day 2 is as uneventful!

I got the daycare blues

Today I must drop my child, my everything off at a virtual strangers house. Yes I have met her and yes my coworker brings her daughter there but still, she really is a stranger, especially to Noah.  I know he is going to cry, probably scream. I know it's going to rip my heart out. I know we have no other option as I need to work. I know it will be o.k. ( at least thats what I keep telling myself!)Please pray for a painless transition!

Back to school

No I am not a teacher, nor do I have a school aged child yet but today, there is something refreshing and new about the very first day of school. Since I work at a residential treatment center with an on campus school I get to enjoy this momentous occasion somewhat and I can't deny that it brings me back to days of new teachers, no cloths and shoes and a whole new world of endless possibilities. Ahh, the joys of being a kid- if only we knew then what we know now!

I am sitting at my computer, eating my breakfast and watching Noah play. He is creating a dialogue where ( as I can make out) Truck is getting ready to go Night Night. What an imagination of this little guy. I wish I could bottle him up and keep him like this forever, a tiny little man. I wonder what he will be like in four short years when it is time for him to make that trek off to school. He starts daycare this week...that is bad enough!

ChaChaChanges

Today I took Noah to "Snip-it's", an overpriced haircutting chain geared for kids. Noah has had his haircut before but daddy has always taken him and since he is always mistaken for a girl and as his 2ND BIRTHDAY is looming I decided to accompany my guy for his new big boy look.

Here I was, camera in tow, all excited, and let me just tell you it was a disaster. Noah screamed as if someone was attempting to murder him. That poor girl, trying to make our "experience" fun....

the final result is very cute although I may have my mommy goggles on and I do miss his long hair. 

On other change fronts, the air is getting crisper here in new york and as hard as fall can be, it's a lovely change. I was not sure if I was going to share this here or not but decided I would. We had a birth control error of sorts the other night, on CD16, otherwise known as my fertile peak. I know we said we were not going to start trying until November but I am secretly hoping I am pregnant. Trying not to get my hopes hope, but will test next weekend. Prayers for a sticky May baby perhaps?