1 day until 2009!

November: This month was very special being as my baby turned ONE and we also moved into our first brand spanking new house...lot's of crazy yet memorable times!  I thought that 11-10-08 would be such a climatic pinnacle of emotion and relief for me but honestly it was just a happy, sweet day with lots of cake and presents for Noah.  This picture was Noah on the morning of his birthday, I already miss the fall leaves now that snow is everywhere!

December: The holidays have been crazy, but enjoyable! Noah took his first steps this month which was of course was a wonderful way to say goodbye too 2008 and hello to 2009 with toddler and no longer a baby!  

As I look back to my week of positive recaps from the last year, I have realized that in all my pessimistic worry about how shitty 2008 was, It truly was filled with a lot of happiness and a lot of blessings. Seeing all those pictures of Noah through the months, and reliving those memories was really therapeutic for me!  and while I  am SO ready for 2009, in a way it is bittersweet. My baby is looking more and more like a big boy everyday! Thanks for reading along on this journey with me, hope everyone has a happy and healthy new years and a lovely 2009!

2 days to go....

September: With fall rolling in I was pretty scared of my emotions, figuring the falling leaves and cool weather would bring with it a flood of anxiety and sadness about "this time last year". I was pleasantly surprised how good I felt, and how instead of a flood of these feelings, they were actually slowing creeping away.  Noah was baptized in September and regardless of the pouring rain, we had a nice celebration.

This picture is from my "month" pictures that I did every month on the 10th. This was the "10 month shot" and as you can see, Noah crumpled up the ten quicker than I could snap the picture. I was all frazzled at the time but now looking back I think it's really funny!

October: In October we geared up for Noah's "first halloween", the last of his "first" holidays. It was a busy month for us as we were gearing up to move, looking forward to Noah's first birthday, and generally just anxious for our house to be finished. Noah looked so cute as a little stinker ( skunk) on Halloween. We went pumpkin picking and Noah had his first taste of apple cider donuts. Mommy and Daddy also celebrated 3 years of being married this month. I love this picture because it really shows Noah's silly side, and I have to crack up at those skinny little chicken legs!

3 days to go....

July: In the summer I took advantage of my Monday's "off" and would go for a long walk with Noah first thing in the morning before it got too hot, of course I always had my big hunka camera in tow! I am fortunate to live in an area in NY that is packed with historical sites over looking the beautiful hudson river. On this day I was attempting to get Noah and the view in the shot...not one of my finest pictures but a good memory none the less. I am actually surprised at what a baby Noah was back then because at 8 months old he seemed like such a "big" boy to me! Makes me very nostalgic.... 

August: In August we took our first trip to the Cape, an all time favorite place of mine and my husbands both since childhood. Noah loved the ocean and the pool and we had a really great time on our first family vacation. I am already dreaming about our 2009 trip! 

4 days to go....

May: Noah turned 6 months on May 10th, what a milestone! I had always said if I could get through year one, we would be ok. The six month point was when we turned the corner, when things got a lot brighter! During the spring/summer months I really got a lot of practice out on my camera, and of course Noah was my model. We spent a lot of time in the backyard, this picture was taken in our yard on a cool day in may. I just love Noah's profile and his sweet face in this picture, it's actually one of my favorites ( out of literally thousands). It's kind of hard to imagine him as a little 6 month old now and in a way I think he looks a lot older in this picture. In May we started taking a lot of road trips, hiking, going to the lake, walking on the rail trail. It was the start of a lot of fun times for us as a family.

June: This picture is from a day at my parents house, Noah's first time in the baby pool. At first he was a bit turned off by the experience and the water was pretty cold, but he soon warmed up and had a great time splashing. I think it's funny that we never used that pool again throughout the whole summer since it was way too hot to be outside and I was always afraid he would burn. He did get to enjoy swimming in a big pool and in the ocean, but now until august! 

5 days to go....

March: In march right after our 4 month well baby visit the pediatrician called me back to refer us to a geneticist. She was not sold on it being a transient injury since as she put it, Noah was too normal. March was probably by far the worst month for me, the testing, the waiting, the what-ifs', They were testing for a whole array of metabolic disorders, some of which are fatal. It was truly unbearable at times. But not going to harp on that....

This picture was taken on our changing table, Noah was such a happy baby and I could never stay sad long after looking at this smiling face. March came in like a lion, and out like well...a lion, but it was the start of spring and the start of recovery for me emotionally. 

April: In april we got word that the metabolic tests came back normal, once again no answers to the famous "why", but it was truly a relief! Noah continued to grow, thrive, and develop on track, and the warm spring air was such a welcome change for me. I began to take Noah on long walks, exploring the countryside, snapping pictures of him all the way. Noah sat up unassisted at 5 months which was in April, I was so proud of him! Noah also started rice cereal this month which as we all know was not a big hit. This was the start of my struggle with getting Noah to eat, picky is an understatement! 

6 days to go....

I can't hardly believe that there are only 6 days left until 2009. Where did time go? I will also be turning 28 in 3 weeks so it feels like time is just ticking in my ear!  I have been able to truly enjoy the holiday season and have been doing a lot of reflecting on the past year and my hopes for 2009. I know that this blog hasn't always been the most positive thing to read but it's been filled with a lot of emotion from the past year. 

I want to leave off my last posts of 2008 with positive memories from the year since it was my baby's first year on this earth and those days were so precious to me. A lot of shit went down for us in 2008 but a lot of good happened to. Time to rejoice in the good for once! 

I am going to count down each day with two months, two pictures, and two memories from those months- enjoy a peek into Noah's 2008!

January: This first picture was taken last january, Noah was starting to smile on a regular basis and his personality was starting to emerge. Noah's smiles were a HUGE thing for me because it was the start of him hitting his developmental milestones on target and it was the start of me starting to chill out a bit and enjoy him! In January I also got over my fear of driving on the car alone with the baby and since I was still on maternity leave had a lot of fun going to the mall duringthe day and buying cute clothes for my little man. This picture was taken on a lazy sunday afternoon, Noah was cheesing it up for daddy.

February:

The second picture is from a weekend in february. My husband and I were going out to look for a new "mom" car for me and we dropped Noah off with my parents for the day. I was a wreck, still at the point where I didn't want to leave him. I had just gone back to work and was struggling with that and cherished my weekend time with my boy. I just LOVE this outfit and I remember that day so clearly. Shortly after tummy time Noah puked all over himself, and his adorable coordinated outfit!

Ba Hum B-U-G!

It appears that Noah's low grade fever with no symptoms evolved into a full blown illness within a few short days! Thankfully my mommy instinct told me to take him to the doctors yesterday, turns out he has an ear infection and conjunctivitis in BOTH eyes! I also have a really bad cold on top of my fall a couple days ago so it's just been a crazy week.

I have had a lot of holiday spirit this year and I am enjoying myself on top of the colds we have acquired!! I have so much to be thankful for this year and last year I was such a hot mess that I would take a bad cold any day over how I felt back then! 

Hopefully the antibiotics kick in in time for the Christmas celebrations! 

Nature bit me in the ass...err, shoulder

So after my last post regarding peaceful, serene, beautiful snow...I slipped and fell in my driveway. I heard a "rip" in my shoulder so not sure the extent of the injuries yet, didn't go to the ER last night. However I can hardly move my arm! It was very funny however and I was laughing so hard I was crying. It was kind of a weird response since I was actually injured but for some reason I had this flood of laughter. So maybe at lunch today after I go to the bank, I'll go over for an x-ray. Ahhh the busy life of a working mom! Bank first, potential broken bones second!

Peace on earth

Have you ever had one of those moments when you felt connected to nature? It happened to me once, sitting on top of a snowy hill about to slide down. J and I were dating and had gone sleigh riding after a blizzard. It was one of those really sunny days where the sun just bounces off the snow, almost blinding. We were sledding on a golf course near where we used to live, I was all alone on top of a big hill. I felt like I was in heaven! It was so bright and so crisp white. I just sat there awe struck for a few moments before I plunged down the hill.

Last night I was driving home from my parents after we got about 12 inches of snow the day before. I was almost home, driving down a long country rode. The roads were pretty bad and covered in snow. The moon was glowing. There it was again, that peaceful, almost heaven-like feeling. I haven't had a moment like that in years so I made sure to soak it up. Of course then a bunch of cars started coming in the other lane and driving in the snow became scary again...but for a fleeting moment it was just me and nature. 

We have been snowed in for days, and looks like we are getting about 6 more inches today. I live about 1hr 45 min north of NYC. Snow is a common thing here in the winter but usually not this early in the season. Although quite annoying at times, and a bit chilly, this storm has been a peaceful reminder to slow down and enjoy the ones you love. My husband and I have had a few really good days together and I am hoping this continues.

Noah had a fever of 102 last night so I think he is battling a virus. I put my first frantic weekend after hours call in to the pediatrician last night but all seems to be ok this morning. Hope my little man feels better by christmas!

Patience

If I have learned anything positive from all of this it would be Patience. I am not a patient person by nature, in fact, I am quite the opposite. I am also a die hard pessimist but that is a whole other post. Last week I was sure Noah wouldn't be walking by our february appointment. I was certain something was wrong, we would be referred to PT, I would be sick with worry, blah biddy blah. This week I am once again amazed, and once again assured that it all happens in due time. Slowly I realize Noah will do what he needs to do, when he is ready to do it. 

In other worry wort news, Noah was running a low grade fever last night. No other symptoms, except teething. Of course I google "one year old, low grade fever, no other symptoms" and what pops up you may ask? - leukemia, and meningitis .... seriously, when will I ever learn to stop and back away from the google? I am already a doctor of google as you all know so at this point I shouldn't even be referencing it ;) 

I had to add some pictures to this post since it's been awhile since I showed off my cutie- these are from last month, he has gotten a hair cut since and looks a lot older to me!

Baby Steps

This is definitely one of those days I will never forget. Noah is officially a walker, at 13 months and one week. My baby boy is now a big boy! I can cancel our February appointment with his neurologist and we are now all done with specialists, hopefully forever! Words can't describe my joy! Christmas came early for mommy this year!

Belonging

This may sound like a weird post and I hope I articulate it the way it feels in my mind, and in my heart!

When Noah was born and all of these horrible complications popped up with his brain I didn't feel like congratulations were in order, in fact I felt like crawling in to a hole and shriveling up into the air. Walking to the NICU I passed all the other maternity suites, happy first time moms, proud dads, grandparents, balloons, flowers. That was supposed to be us and in a moment it was all taken away, something I could never get back. In those moments I somehow felt separate from those "regular" moms, I wouldn't say I felt special, but just different. 

My close friend was pregnant when I had Noah, and so was my boss. I was in prenatal hell. Swollen bellies, glowing woman, ogling over baby shower items. Everyone came to be for advice since I was the seasoned mother ( with a 3 month old, lol) but inside I struggled with dealing. I was so damn jealous and again felt separated by what had happened to Noah. Around that time I had turned to the internet and the world of blogging, coincidently finding a lot of blogs about newborn stroke survivors, some with CP, some with hypoxic injuries from birth, most with pretty substantial special needs. At the same time Noah was growing, thriving, and hitting all his milestones on target. Of course I was thrilled for my son but yet again I felt separate and guilty. I really loved hearing all the positive feedback and support I got from these beyond "special" moms but at times felt if they were wondering why I was reading and commenting so frequently, and why I myself was blogging about my son who in retrospect was beating most of the "odds". 

A year later I still feel somewhat separate in the land of mothers. Does this make sense? I have a neurotypical ( for lack of a better word) child who was born with a not so typical injury to his brain. I was on the brink of medical disaster and somehow the coin flipped in our favor. Every milestone becomes a miracle, and yet everyday brings the most intense worry imaginable and with it the wonder : will it all get bad, will this luck be taken away? . My child's first year was spent with countless doctors, neurologist, and  geneticist visits . I am familiar with EEG's, MRI's, CT Scans, Spinal Taps, administering phenobarb to a newborn, and metabolic work ups. In this regard I can share war stories and on the flip side I am fortunate to not know about feeding tubes and durable medical equipment. I am fortunate that there was a light at the end of my very dark tunnel. So while Noah does not have special needs to date, I have a very special place in my life for all the families that do. I am an MSW and I continue to struggle with quiting my job and finding a place where I can be an advocate for these families. It is an interesting perspective for a professional, to be on both sides of the coin. 

So I am sorry if this ramble made no sense, and I hope it was not in anyway offensive. It's just a recent perspective I have been thinking about and stirring in my mind. I will continue to read and post on all the glorious blogs I have found through my original google of "neonatal seizures and blog" . I also hope if anyone finds there way here after having a child with similar injuries as Noah had that it brings them hope when hope seems a far off concept. 

Walking...

Noah took about five steps last night, towards my husband's co-worker's daughter. He is obsessed with little girls ( he kisses and clings to them), I envision letter's home when he is in pre-school. 

The little girl was teasing him and running away from him and he ran towards her, then plopped down. He won't do it again...but he DID IT!!! We are so close to full on walking =)

A really great question

The writer of a  blog that I frequent, Bird On The Street recently posted a question at the end of her post:

Is it ok to be a little blue even though things are really, really good?

The short answer is, I sure as hell hope so. The long answer is that I have been struggling with that question for months myself! 

Noah is your typical 13 month old. Sure issues may arise, but from the standpoint I am at now, he has come farther than those pessimistic, gloom and doom doctors ever verbalized to us in Noah's early days. 

So often I wonder why I feel the way I do. Why I would describe 2008 as the worst year of my life. My perfect scrapbooks on our shelf, so lovingly put together show a happy and loving young  family, and a beautiful, healthy little boy. What's so bad about that, how could that be the worst year of someone's life? It's the source of a lot of guilt for me and a lot of pain. The only explanation being that we are complex creatures and often don't make much sense! I think the worry and the love we feel for our kids is so deep, so unexplainably strong, that for me when the devil of my shoulder let's my mind wander to the coulda woulda shoulda's and the what-ifs, I simply go down a spiral of defeat and despair.

I am learning...my "blue" moments are fewer, but they are still around to keep me in check at times. I have recently put a more positive spin on it- the "blue" moments make all the other moments all the better. 

The other relationships

I don't really talk about my husband on this blog, for one he doesn't know it exists and so in a way I feel like it's a violation of his privacy. The past year I have spilled my heart and soul out about Noah and about my own feelings, but I have never really spilled the other half- the other relationships and how they are affected. 

This may sound weird now, and slightly melodramatic, but after the NICU nurse practitioner came into my room at 2am on that fateful November morning, I sobbed to my husband that he would leave me. I begged him never to leave me. I don't know if it was the drugs, or some kind of premonition, but at the time I felt like we weren't going to make it through this. The next few months, and year, seemed to test our relationship to the limits. 

To say that we started to argue would me an understatement. At first, when Noah was just a few weeks old, my husband just sort of disappeared. His excuse was that he was working a lot, and it was partly true, but a lot of times as I begged him to come home, crying, holding my newborn and feeling like I couldn't do this , he just didn't come home. He would stay late and chat with his boss, run to the store, go to the mall to pick up something. He did anything and everything to avoid home. At the time I was seriously depressed, I mean threatening to harm myself depressed. I needed help, and he let me down. In retrospect that was his coping mechanism. But it is something that killed me inside and made me very resentful. The fact that he still won't apologize is the source of some lingering anger even today. 

As the months went on I started to pick up the pieces of my own emotional train wreck but the distance between us grew. I worried, and worried, and worried some more, the weight hanging on me like a wet towel. I carried the worry for both of us and I carried it alone. My husbands new avoidance tactic was our new house which he did most of the inside work on himself. He spent 12 hours at a time working there, barely coming home to sleep. I work a full time job and the mom job as you know continued 24/7. Yet again I become resentful, angry. This is yet to be resolved.

We have our good days and then our really bad ones like last night. I look at him and I am pissed. A really deeply ingrained anger and I don't like it. I don't like looking at my husband and sometimes hating him. We have tried to talk about it, have moments when I feel like he is listening but for the most part he blows me off. I know J loves Noah, Noah adores him. It is really not about Noah at all but Mine and J's reaction to becoming parents, particularly with the traumatic start we all had.

How has your relationships changed since having a baby? 

Where am I going with this?

I often wonder what am I doing "blogging", and where am I going with all the insane ramblings, like: "what's my point?" I started my first blog Surviving Noah back in february 2007. I had just gone back to work and things were crazy. I was still suffering pretty bad from PPD and Noah was still being poked and prodded by various doctors to find a cause to his issues at birth. It was a bad time. The blog helped me to connect to other mom's going through various "bad times" of their own and their strength and support helped me immensely and showed me the good times in those pretty shitty moments.

In May I decided to erase the blog, it was filled with negativity and sadness and since Noah was doing so well and such a joy and a blessing, I felt like I needed to do away with all the shit I had documented. I wanted to forget it, shred it, dump it out, erase if forever...and so I did. I created my new blog " Parentdise" to be a more candid tale of motherhood versus a pitty party about what had happened to my son. In the end I think this blog ended up being a little bit of both, and I am ok with that. It is still a work in progress....

Lately I have writers block. Life is just so complicated, exhausting, overwhelming, and yet beautiful that it's just hard to sum up the chaos in my mind in a few paragraphs. I have been wondering what is the point to this, does anyone read it? It's mostly for me, my new age journal, but sometimes it seems like a chore to log on and record my thoughts. Maybe those are the days I should just skip all together!  In the end I will keep on blogging, hoping I don't offend, don't come across as something I'm not, and let the words be my daily exhale. 

Freak...control freak that is....

I know that I am a control freak, always have been. I never thought that it carried over to motherhood until recently. I realized my fears of leaving Noah with other people meant that I was losing control of the situation, that if I was with him at all times, I could always be there to make sure he was o.k. . Control freak thought process #2 has to do with eating. Noah is little, at one year he weighed in at a whopping 17 pounds 4 ounces, the exact weight to the ounce that I was at his age. We breed em' tiny! Anyhow, no one but me seems to be concerned.  I have made feeding Noah my hobby, my obsession. My mood at any given moment directly correlates to how much he ate at his last meal. I count his calories, slather on butter, cream cheese, olive oil, greek full fat yogurt- I have figured out all the fattening little tricks. Thing is...he is still little. This is yet another thing that I need to give up to the control god's and let them take it from there.

So last night I was happy...you guessed it, Noah ate a huge dinner. Yogurt squeezie and cookie at the grocery store followed by a piece of toast slathered with cream cheese, some squash and corn, and a yogurt for dessert. This may not seem like a lot but for my little bird it was a feast. I had forgotten to give him his vitamins yesterday morning so I attempted to give them to him after dinner. Bad idea. Very bad idea. He gagged as usual, but this time food just POURED out...he puked up everything and anything, and it was everywhere. That whole big lovely dinner was now a pile of puke all over my dining room floor.

 Hmmm....serves me right! Noah got a bath and went to bed happy. I on the other hand was upset over what happened, both because it was kind of traumatic to watch my baby throw up like that ( it was the first time) and also because I couldn't stop thinking about all those precious calories, lost. 

Tree Power

First off I want to start by saying my last post was a bit out of line. I know some of the mom's who read my blog have been through much, much worse with their little one's and somehow always end up positive because well...their babies need them. I apologize for my bratty , self centered rant below. I am just such a pessimist sometimes and seriously considering medication for the anxiety.

 

Secondly, we did get out tree yesterday. It was a balmly 30 degree's and snowing ( well flurry's anyway) and we trudged through about 2,000 tree's arguing the entire time about which one we wanted. I forget every year how stressful it is picking a tree- my hubby and I NEVER can agree!! Finally since I couldn't feel my face I caved and let him pick, we now have a 12 foot bush in our dining room. 

Noah had a blast! I let him out of the carrier when J cut down the tree, he was crawling and getting up on his knee's, clapping, and rolling around the grass. It was really cute and kind of funny the way he was acting since it was freezing and I thought he would be miserable. As we were pulling out I exclaimed to my hubby " at least Noah had a good time", seriously I guess that is all that matters ! Who cares if it was cold, my hubby was being a jerk, and my ass is sore today from climbing that huge hill....it's all about Noah Boa now and he had fun...makes it all worth it! 

Worry and then some

My latest posts have been extremely uplifting and positive and in all honesty that is mostly how I feel lately. However, and in my mind there always seems to be a however, I worry excessively most everyday.

Noah is not walking yet. I know logically that he is not even 13 month old yet and we are still in the realm of extremely normal. However, the nagging shrew on my shoulder brings me to tears thinking something is wrong. Then there is talking. Noah say's mama, dada, na-na ( while pointing at us and yelling it) which his his version of "no", he identifies a duck and say's "duck" and growls when he sees a lion. He has said "toast" on one occasion but not since. I thought he was saying "dog" but I'm not too sure. He has also said "cat" but again not on a consistent basis. While on facebook I was talking to an old classmate whose daughter is 14.5 months old, she is stringing words together like " I pretty". So now I am worried about speech too...which sends me spiraling into a worried frenzy!

This morning I was just in a bad mood. I was playing with Noah, getting frustrated with his lack of interest in walking . I was feeding Noah breakfast which is always a chore and takes an hour, and wanted to cry. Nothing about parenting has been easy. I know that sounds selfish and a bit bratty but it's my honest feeling at the moment. I hear stories of kiddo's eating a whole sandwhich at this age, walking at 9 months, speaking 20 words at 1 year, and I think "why can't it be that easy??". I know I am blessed, I know what could have "been" with Noah, but I am also scared for struggles that may arise. Generally an anxious person, I feel on edge all the time. 

I am choosing to chalk today up to PMS, potential food poisoning from last night ( yes I was up puking all night) , and an argument I had with my hubby first thing this morning. We are scheduled to get our tree in a few hours and I am hoping some yule tide cheer will brighten me out of this funk!

Tis' The Season

Tonight we are seeing Santa ride in on his white horse, a christmas parade, followed by dinner and cosmo's for mommy, and then the nightcap- a life nativity complete with a donkey. I heart Christmas =) 

Tomorrow we are cutting down the K family tree, 2008. Last year was the first year in my entire life that we did not have a tree. Life was just too stressful, too much on our plate to really get into the holiday spirit. Today I am thankful for where we are 365 days later. 

Waiting to exhale

Waiting to exhale is the best way to describe 2008. No one word correctly captures my feelings but this phrase puts it perfectly.

You can exhale in one of two ways, with a big giant ahhhhhhh or with a slow leak that eventually leads to that same ahhhh feeling. I never got my giant ahhhhh but I have been leaking for some time now and am finally breathing again.

So now that I am breathing, what's up next?.... Daycare. This is a biggy for me since I have never left Noah with anyone other than my mother and mother in law. I am petrified. But my mother in law ( who would need her own post) is now saying she can't watch Noah on fridays and since my mom works, well...daycare is our only option. Being the overly neurotic germa-phobe I am, with a child who is not fully vaccinated, this makes finding childcare a bit tricky. But I need to do it, need to bite the bullet, and I am sure in the end It will be harder on me than on Noah!

So once again I am holding my breathe, albeit it's a whole different scenario but still one that puts me on edge. I can't wait to let out a big giant ahhhhh as I watch Noah play with other kiddo's and am finally comfortable leaving him on friday's, for five hours with a pack of strangers. ...it will all be ok =)

The power of Ma Ma

I was talking with my boss yesterday who also happens to be a new mother. My first comment was that after a year I finally am starting to feel like me again. I don't think my situation is particularly unique, I mean in the beginning yes but now I probably feel the same emotions as all young mothers. Before I had Noah I always saw the frumpy, tired, ratty haired women in the mall, looking frazzled, miserable, tired.  I worked with a teacher who had a very young baby, she would come in looking like death warmed over- I felt sorry for her. Before you have kids you have no clue. All the things I said I wouldn't do- I've done and all the things I said I would do...not so much. You don't know what kind of parent you will be until you actually are one.

I have been toying with the idea of getting pregnant for awhile. I bounce back and forth between wanting to try soon and wanting to wait until August. My husband will pretty much never make a decision about when to procreate again so basically it's on me. I know I will never be financially ready, well not within the next 5 years anyway. Emotionally I have come leaps and bounds from where I was but am still scared shitless to go through another pregnancy and above all another labor and delivery. 

Noah is finally at an age and at a place where I thoroughly enjoy him, I love being with him, he makes me laugh and surprises me everyday. He is now sleeping for 6-7 hours at a time which is huge for us, he plays by himself, he is a little man.  As I was getting ready for work yesterday morning I suddenly thought how the hell would I do this with two?? With Noah running around and a baby strapped to me, would I lose my mind again after I finally found it? 

Motherhood is a powerful thing on so many levels. All I ever wanted to be was a mother and now that I am one I am flabbergasted in regards to how woman do it again, and again...and again! I look forward to brining another person into the world, just not sure how I will handle it! 

It's like jumping into a cold pool on a very hot day. You know it will be wonderful and so worth it, so you just have to take the plunge! 

The extraordinary ordinary

I am getting my life back.

I am becoming the person I was, only better.

I can not really describe in words how I feel lately. Joyous, grateful, blessed, happy. These are a few adjectives that come to my mind. But it is deeper then that, an emotion that is wordless. 

Life is now settling for us, the new house has been a welcome change. 

Last night I went out with some friends from high school. Thanksgiving eve has been the biggest party night for years. Last year Noah was less than 2 weeks old, some friends stopped by to see him before they went out. I was deep in a depression, my baby was possibly very sick, I was still struggling to comprehend what had happened on top of just being in the general funk that follows child birth. This year I got to go out, have some drinks, laugh, and be "me". Not mom, but Pia. I had a blast. I did not worry about Noah ( who was with my mom), my mind was not filled with irrational worry and fears. It was pure bliss.

This morning we woke up with Noah snuggled in our bed and watched the parade. We made breakfast, played, and just relaxed as a family. Last year feels like a far off place, a dream, a nightmare that I am waking up from.

I am thankful for my boy, for my life, and for the chance to move forward and move on...

Fresh Start

We are moved. It was without it's disaster's ( the whirlpool tub was missing a part, which was a builders error and so when I went to soak in my new tub, the water leaked through the ceiling into our living room) So now the living room needs to be re-sheet rocked! But we recovered, had a lovely first birthday party ( 40 people in my new house, ahhh!!!) and we are now settling in.

I have to say, it feels good. It is such a fresh start, a renewed sense that we are all moving forward continues to come over me!

Noah has his 12 month check up with the neurologist last week. Once again his exam was normal however the doc wanted to see him until he walks and he is still not walking. I scheduled an appointment for february but if he is walking before then I was instructed to cancel- YAY!  He also had his 12 month well visit and I have started vaccinations. He got two and handled them well..we will just take them slowly from this point on.

Medical stuff aside, I am enjoying the holiday season. Noah sat on Santa's lap yesterday and freaked, total stranger anxiety in high gear- the picture is priceless!

Moving out and moving on

The big move has officially begun, only about a year behind schedule! 

Being the great procrastinators that we are, I am packing today, the day we are moving. I am also alone with a one year old, so this is proving to be quite the task!

As I gather up our things from the past four and a half  years I am realizing we entered  as "kids" and are leaving as adults. So much as changed in our time here: finishing grad school, getting engaged, getting married, having a baby. It's actually amazing to me how much we have accomplished in just a few short years!

It really has not fully hit me that we are leaving the place that has been our home for so long, our first home together as a couple and as a family. 

I find it all very fitting, Noah turning one, the past year behind us, and now a new, fresh, home to make our own. I am usually not one for change, but this is feeling very welcomed right about now!

Noah's party is this weekend, and yes I am crazy since I am not actually living in the house yet, need to move EVERYTHING in a few short days and welcome about 30 guests to a new, very vacant house! 

One plus one day

Today and last night were actually harder than the actually "Birth-day". November 11th, at about 2am a nurse practitioner from the NUCU came into my room to tell me the EEG results. Mind you I had not slept in almost 2 days, my newborns brain was severely swollen, and now THIS .... it was enough to send me over the edge.  My poor husband was sleeping when she came in , I stopped her mid sentence and told her I was going to wake him up because I wanted him to hear what she had to say. After she left, my husband looked at me and asked me to repeat what was just said because he was half asleep and did not get most of it . I repeated every grim word, and then we just held each other and cried. I climbed out of my cold, lonely hospital bed and slept with my husband on his cot. I needed to be held.  After about 20 minutes I was so panicky I decided to go see Noah in the NICU. I walked alone down the hall, and was buzzed in. I felt slightly awkward since it was the middle of the night but the nurses were kind and welcomed me in. I only stayed a few minutes but I needed to see, touch, smell my baby. That was one of the loneliest, saddest, scariest nights of my life.

The next day was followed by the neonatologist referring us to a geneticist, going through a litany of metabolic disorders, and just general panic and depression on our part. It was all so overwhelming, so shitty, I do not like to "go back" to those days. That is what is so hard, because it was 'those days" that Noah was newly entering the world, so tiny, so fresh...those days are the days that go too quickly and you never get back. 

I am in a much better place about it all, but thinking about those days still makes me very sad, sad for two scared, new parents who were lost in a medical world that was cold, scary, and very very bleak. I want to go back in time, hold them, and tell them that it will be o.k. 

Full Circle

So here we are, back at go: today is November 10th!

Yesterday I was very weepy, crying on and off about nothing and everything. It wasn't exactly a sad weepy, just emotional.

Last night Noah slept horribly. He was up pretty much every single hour. I had to laugh at the irony because upon each awakening I glanced at the clock and thought of my labor at that time last year. Finally he awoke at around 3:30 which was when I was pushing. In a way it was kind of nice to think about it as I was up nursing my happy, healthy little boy. 

In the early morning hours of today I lay in bed quietly reflecting. It's been quite the year for us, and in coming back to this day one year later I am a completely different person than the woman I was just 365 days ago. I also realized that the actually day 11-10 isn't hard for me, it's the days that followed. Noah was seemingly healthy for the first 5 hours he was on this earth, it's the next hours, days and months that were so painful. Today is a happy day, 100% happy, special, wonderful day and it always will be.

On the agenda for tonight is cake and balloons...Noah got his first present last night, a radio flyer car which he loves! His party is on Saturday which coincidentally falls on the day that we brought him home from the hospital ( very fitting to celebrate on that day!)

All I am left to say is happy birthday to my beautiful boy. My husband and I sang to him when he woke up this morning and he greeted us by throwing his arms up "so big" style.  Very fitting  and surely brought us a good laugh! 

This is were I hoped to be last year, in that dark, cold, scary NICU. I prayed to enjoy the beautiful fall air, the leaves, and my boy who I hoped beyond hoped would be with us to enjoy his day, eat his cake, and play with his balloons. Noah has surpassed my hopes, and beyond doubt will continue to do so.

Our journey to one is over, but the greater journey has only just begun!

                                             Happy  1st Birthday Buggy Boy!!!!

Labor Pains, Growing Pains

A year ago today I was in labor, experiencing pain that I seriously never knew possible. It hurt so bad I had an outer body experience! When I woke up this morning my husband and I were talking about it and I said that I actually forget what it felt like. I remember it hurt, and I mean hurt but for the life of me I can't remember exactly what it felt like! I guess that's why the human race doesn't become extinct! Your just forget and gear up for the next one!

I have been very emotional this past week. Like I stated in an earlier post, it's crazy in the "K" household! We are starting to move stuff over later today, will move the bigger stuff like the couches, bed, crib, etc. mid-week, probably close on wednesday, and then the big birthday bash is on saturday!  Thankfully I have off from work wednesday-friday, but honestly it's all a bit overwhelming!

I am so in love with Noah, and this week I am about bursting at the seams with happiness and gratefulness for his health and recovery. Last year at this time I was in the most dark of places and today the sun is shining brighter then I could have imagined. I can't believe he will be ONE tomorrow, a toddler! I am looking forward to the holiday season, the lights, Santa, presents but all in all I am looking forward to his future and our future as a family.

I am not going to lie; it's been a long year. At times I wanted to throw in the towel, I felt like I couldn't possibly go on since it all seemed so overwhelming. But here we are, almost full circle to where we started, and it has all been so worth it. 

363 down, 2 to go!

In preparation for Noah's birthday I had a mini-photo shoot with him yesterday, complete with baby legs and a goofy personalized hat. The results are very cute and I am sure Noah will appreciate me putting him in leg warmers when he is a adolescent! 

I am SO PMS'ing this week, in conjunction with moving this week, on top of the "birthday week" already being somewhat emotional, let's just say I am quite the hormonal train wreck. Nonetheless we are so happy to be where we are today and continue to count our blessings.

Enjoy the photo's and have a great weekend! 

And so it began...

We are not 4 days away from Noah's 1st birthday. As I was driving to work this morning I realized how much better I have been feeling lately, about the birth, the past year, about what "happened". Maybe it's the fact that I had it ingrained in my mind for the past year that if I could only get to 11-10-08, I ( we) would be ok. So here we are, 4 days left until the big day, and I ( we) ARE Ok! 

Wednesday 11-7-07 was the day I went in for my routine 38 week ultrasound, non-stress test ( I think that's what it's called) and for just a routine internal exam. I can still remember driving to that appointment, the sun was shining, the air was unseasonably warm and I was drinking a nasty protein drink since the nurse told me to make sure I eat protein that day for the test. Unbeknownst to me it was my last few moments of worry less bliss, the only kind of worry free existence you know prior to having a child. It was also the last moments of my perfect, normal pregnancy.

The baby stopped growing. We were sent to a specialist. Things looked ok for a day or so. I was scheduled to be induced two days later. 

I knew something was wrong. My mommy gut told me so. I just didn't know how wrong things really would turn out. 

In the early days I was bitter about being induced, everyone blamed that on Noah's birth injury. I now feel the induction saved him, had he stayed inside of me, whatever was suffocating him, may have killed him. The cord, the placenta, whatever- something just was not right. I am ok with not knowing, because just as a doctor told me in those dark early days " if he is ok, nothing else matters". 

Halloween 2008, recap

He ate his first dum dum, well licked it a few times anyway

Tasted a kit kat for the first time, and it needed to be wrestled from his fingers!

Went trick or treating in mi ma's neighborhood

And best of all, he was the cutest little stinker, EVER!

Time...

Do you recognize these lyrics?

and time goes by so slowly

and time can do so much

They are from Unchained Melody, which happens to be my wedding song. I know it has to be one of the cheesiest, most cliche' wedding songs around, and I later found out it was written by someone in jail ...but it still is a pretty song. Our original wedding song was supposed to be "Into the Mystic" by Van Morrison but for some reason our band decided they couldn't play this song "good enough" and asked us to dance to the CD version. Since I paid extra money for live music and was slightly Bridezilla about the whole thing- we changed our song and later cut our cake to the CD version of Into The Mystic. 

Not sure why I am choosing to tell you all this little tid bit of info, but the song popped into my head today when we were changing the clocks back. Daylight savings always screws with me! I know it's only an hour but I get very confused since every.single. clock in my small apartment has a different time on it. I actually just called my mother to ask her if it was 8am or 9am....it's 8am!

Noah is now in his high chair eating his toast and jam, which is currently pretty much the only table food other than pizza that he will eat. Nothing is easy with this kid!!! But still loving every minute of him...

Sweet November

So here we are, November. This is the month where this story began. Since March 10th, 2007 I have looked forward to November and knew that surely it would always be a special month. 

November 2007 started like any other November, only it was my "due date month" and I was very excited with the anticipation of the birth of my first child. The first sign that something could be wrong with my pregnancy came at my 38 week doctors appointment on November 7th, 2007.  After my ultrasound I knew instantly that something was wrong, the tech was whispering to the nurses and since my doctor had just left for a delivery, no one could tell me much other than to come back at 5pm. 

Apparently the baby ( Noah) had stopped growing since the last ultrasound which had been a few weeks prior. I was immediately sent to a specialist for a more in depth ultrasound first thing the next morning. Relief was very short lived- according to that ultrasound the baby was fine, just small. The conclusion was that I am petite and so was the baby. Basically everything looked great. I now have some suspicion that there was an issue with the cord/placenta and Noah was not getting enough nutrients/oxygen thus the stop of growth and the issues with his brain following delivery. I was induced two days later with the feeling that the baby was better off on the "outside" where he could begin to feed and grow. 

This post wasn't meant as a recap per say, so I'll stop there. Back to November. I have looked forward to this month since 11-10-07. It was always my beacon of hope, my light at the end of what seemed like a very long tunnel.  December, January, February, March, April, May  all brought there share of both tears and laughter.  Remembering back to May ( the half way point) I was emotionally exhausted, it had been 6 months, 6 more months felt like an eternity. As the spring gave way to June, July, and August, my fears albeit still there, began to normalize somewhat and give way to a more typical "mother worry".  We had a great summer and even went on a  much needed vacation to the beach. I felt so blessed to be able to share these moments with Noah as way back when in November 2007 I was told that we may never be able to do so. 

 Fall rolled in as August turned to September, and then October. I was so afraid of fall thinking that the leaves, pumpkins, and spicy aroma's would bring it all back. I was pleasantly surprised that my reaction was much more positive than had been anticipated. Fall brought with it comfort and a sense of peace. I began planning for Noah's first Halloween and for his first birthday celebration. Once again reveling in the miracle that is my son, and counting my blessings for these moments.

So here we are. November. I am a different person than I was just 12 months ago. Motherhood had changed me, our story has changed me. Sometimes I think for the better, sometimes in my moments of anxiety ridden craziness I think for the worse. But what i don't have to think twice about is the insane amount of love and adoration I feel for the little creature who came into my life last November. 

If I could have looked to the future last November 10th as saw where we would be at today, it would have made it all the worlds better. I should have had more faith in my son and in the medical professionals that were doing their best to help him. I should have had more faith in a higher power, I should have had more faith in my husband, and in myself.  The past is the past. It is a year later, time to move on. No longer can I blame my gut on "just having a baby" ( he he he), and  I also can't let this fester. Sadness, anger, fear- it has all festered enough, and grown, and exploded in my face. It is a happy time, time for laughter, thankfulness, peace- November is sweet and I am so glad it is finally here...and in a way sad that my baby is growing up! 

I have been tagged, here goes: 

7 weird facts about me:

1.  I can only eat cheese if it is melted

2. I am deathly afraid of flying, and of airplanes in general

3. I named Noah after the main character in "The Notebook"

4. I have a master's degree and bachelors degree in social work but always wanted to be a writer or in fashion marketing ( far FAR cry from my current profession!)

5.  I LOVE photography and would love to start my own business someday...sooner than later!

6. My lucky number is 1, I was born on 1-18-81, got married on 10-1, had Noah on 11-10....wonder what the next "1" will be in my life!

7. I was bulimic/anorexic for almost 10 years...spent time in the hospital as a teenager, that is why I went into social work. Pregnancy literally "snapped" me out of my body image issues...I finally same my body as beautiful after it changed and formed into such a cool shape! 

Happy Halloween!

Yay! Costumes, candy, beautiful weather over in our neck of the woods, what a fun day! I am so looking forward to sharing it with my "little stinker" ( Noah will be a skunk!)

Hope everyone has a great day with their little pumpkins! I look forward to sharing some pictures!

Connected....again!

Yes, I found another mommy...or she found me, again via the nest due to a post I had written to the other mommy I had connected with. Her story again is eerily similar, and the outcome being a happy, healthy, developmentally on target 18 month old... so with Noah's birthday a 11 days away I can't help but think this timing is more than a coincidence - It helps beyond measure to hear from and talk to these families! 

I am so excited for Halloween tomorrow, Noah is going to be a skunk, it has a little red heart on the booty that says "little stinker"- oh the joys of dressing your little one like this!  

After tomorrow all of Noah's "1st" Holiday's are over...so it's official, my baby is now a toddler! Then it is on to November , the elusive month that has been my focal point since  well, last November! 

I am going to recap my birth story, and some of the events that led up to Noah's birth towards the end of next week. It's always therapeutic for me to do this...and I am looking forward to having that be the last time I discuss it on here in such detail, sort of a conclusion...

It's my party...

Technically it's Noah's party, although he is oblivious to the planning involved so currently it feels like it's my party or at least my party to plan!!

I just ordered all the plates, cups, balloons, ect. Most of the stuff I found was fugly so I settled on this corny little number mostly because I liked the colors, and because the little "birthday head" looks like Noah .

Because I am a coordinating freak, I got Noah a personalized birthday hat on Etsy that is adorable ( it's green and blue and has a one on it with his name embroidered across the front) 

The grand total for all the balloons, cups, plates , streamers, personalized hat and onesie, disposable helium tank, favors, and cake is upwards to almost 200 bucks. We still haven't ordered food and due to the fact that my hubby so graciously invited all of his coworkers, we will have about 50 people in my new house that I am YET to move into...oh and the party is on 11/15. So in the next two weeks we need to move into a house to have space to party like it's....a first birthday of course! 

Mommy 0, Wasp 1

So after a long, dreary day with a cranky *almost* toddler, I decided that 4 o'clock has rolled around, my hubby will be home soon, I am going to have a glass of wine while I cook. I open the cabinet to get out a glass and suddenly I feel this horrible stinging in my hand - sure enough, a big ol' wasp was in there just waiting for the poor sucker who opened the cabinet first!

I forgot how much bee stings hurt!!! Noah is now sequestered to his swing ( yes swing at almost 1, I know I know), and I am drinking my chardonnay , sulking. My hand is the size of a balloon and it's completely numb. Nice excuse for takeout, but really freaking painful! Thank God I'm not allergic!!

Connected

So after a year of searching for a story similar to Noah's, I finally found one- right under my nose!

I have frequented " The Nest" message boards for years now, prior to pregnancy and Noah, and before then I was addicted to "The Knot" when I was engaged and planning my wedding. All throughout my pregnancy I would post almost daily but after my birth experience and my depression, It sort of fizzled out for me. Lately I have been checking the message boards again and by pure chance I read someone's bio which described a story extremely similar to Noah's with the outcome being a healthy, happy, developmentally "normal" 2 1/2 year old. 

It may not seem like a big deal to outsiders, and since my own child is healthy and happy and developmentally "normal" I know others may question why this matters to me at this point but the answer is simple: It just does.

For the first time I got to connect with another mom who knows pretty much exactly how I felt, plus she is about a year 1/2 ahead of me in her parenthood journey, and has had a second child.  I have asked a lot of questions about labor number 2 and all the feelings and planning involved.

Sooo...if that mom happens to read this, thanks for responding to me, I am SO glad we could connect!!!

The Homestretch of Babyhood

Lately I am all mixed up, I would blame it on hormones but I got my period last week. I have been finding myself going for a cigarette break with my co-worker, and I haven't been a smoker for 7 years!  It's not really depression, or anxiety. It's really just feeling "mixed up"- if that makes any sense.

The past year has been such a whirlwind as it is for any new parent. I don't think a lot of my feelings are abnormal or related to the special circumstances of Noah's entrance into this world. I think it's more about my baby turning into a toddler, and the feelings that evokes in any mother. It's also about life changes such as the move we are about to embark on, and also the anxieties of potentially adding to our family this next year. 

2007- great year

2008- up down up down up

2009-??? I predict a great year!!!

I got a picture of Noah standing on his own last night. He only stands for about 5-10 seconds before plopping down on his booty but it's really cool to see. His next neurology appointment is in November and I was really hoping he would be walking by then ( which is when we are finally released from his care) but I don't think that's happening- so maybe in February then, since we have to go every three months. 

All in all things are good because Noah is good and as a mother that is kind of all that matters =) I am enjoying planning for his party but also a little anxiety ridden since I want to be the hostess with the mostess...

Nostalgic

I know I just posted but I wanted to write..so here goes...

My baby, my little peanut, my first born itty bitty, where have you gone? Today I watch you play in the leaves and I see a little boy no longer a baby. I remember the pain and the anxiety of your first days, months...it is all such a blur that I don't remember your tiny toes, your sweet smell, your spiky hair. Thank God for pictures, those moments frozen for me to look back on, to reminisce.  I miss that small baby, but I love this little boy.

Buggy Boy, with your crooked smile, your bald spot, your zest for breast feeding, you have become my Noah Boa with your toothy grin, your wild strawberry blonde hair, your picky eating habits. 

This year, the past two years, when you grew inside of my belly, when I got to know your active nature, your strong kicks, when you emerged from me, screaming. I will never forget that moment. Daddy was crying, I looked to my left...and there you were. It was so weird Noah Boa, I could feel you attached to me still since the cord had not been cut. My son. I will not lie, I was stunned at first. That night 11-9-07  as it turned into 11-10-07 had been the most painful, and yet most exhilarating of my life. I wanted to cry with joy but I was in shock. I loved you, but you were still a stranger. We would not have proper introductions for some time.....

Joy turned to fear and then sorrow. Life handed us an unexpected reality. I was so sad, daddy was stunned. Mi Ma and grandpa were so supportive and such a loving force. I was selfish Noah Boa...but eventually love woke me up from my selfish fog and threw me into the selfless world known only as "motherhood".

Since you were conceived in February 2007, I have loved you, hoped for you, wished for you, and embraced you as my heart and my soul. I did not know all that lay before us...but I would not change a thing, because if I did...you wouldn't be "you".

Soon we will add to our family, three will become four. Thank you Noah Boa, mommy's Buggy Boy for paving the way and for showing us the beauty of parenthood and of unconditional love. 

Lucky

This morning we had our photo shoot...it was FREEZING!!! Plus Noah who is normally such an attention whore ( for lack of a better description!) was Mr. Cranky Pants. Despite the elements I think the photog got some great shots, a few are posted on her blog : surprisephotography.blogspot.com , Noah is " Little Man N", check us out! 

Lately I can not put into words how truly lucky, and blessed we are. Noah is growing and thriving and defying all the odds, and my wildest dreams. I love my little man and look forward to all our adventures! 

The Odds

I have searched and searched for a story like Noah's, looking for someone who understood, and also looking for hope. I don't really look anymore because I have found hope in my little boy, but I have happened upon a few stories in the recent months, one just a few days ago. 

The staggering statistic is that all the stories either end in the baby dying, or with the baby suffering severe brain damage. It was what we were told in the NICU and sadly it seems it's the reality. I know there isn't much out there regarding full term infants with brain damage/injury of various sorts and what is out there is so so pessimistic and grim. These "odds" are what I fixated on, what brought me so down in the early days.

Lately I can't seem to shake these stories from my mind. Why is Noah so healthy? Why did he defy these odds? Instead of focusing on the "why us" of what happened, I can't help but be devastated for the families that lost their babies to similar injuries.  I found the blog of a family whose little girl was born full term on 10/3/08. Just like Noah she was born after a great pregnancy and a seemingly harmless labor. She was born HEALTHY and in no distress. All hell broke loose after they took her to the nursery for her bath, just like Noah. She had severe brain swelling/seizures.....her MRI revealed that the swelling/seizures caused severe damage to most of her brain. The beautiful little girl passed away four days later. 

Noah is here and she is in heaven. It's not fair. All the "it's not fairs" that I cried were not worth anything because I have my baby and this poor mother does not. It's so scary that these things happen. So earth shattering, life changing. Before Noah was born I figured if your ultrasounds looked good then there was really no chance that the baby would be born anything but "perfect". I figured when they monitored Noah's heart rate when I was in labor and it was "fine", then he was "fine". 

Right now I am so very thankful for Noah and the past year I have had being his mother. I am so heartbroken for these other families that walked in our shoes....but then walked in another pair that thankfully I never had to try on.  I will never know "why" or "what" happened and I will never know "why" Noah defied the odds. But what I do know is that I am lucky to be the mommy of this special little boy whose birth changed my views on so many things. 

Scared is an understatement when I think of having another baby. We will be trying within the next 6 months. I am no longer naive. I will no longer walk into my 20 week ultrasound clueless only hoping to find out if it's a boy or a girl, figuring of course everything else will be fine. I will be paranoid. I will be terrified. Honestly I am hoping the pain of labor will be my focus instead of the horror that somehow my unborn baby is being starved of oxygen. I think the worst will be when they take the baby to the nursery...my husband will not be leaving the baby out of his sight!!

I know that when I am ready I will "know", that it will fall into place. I just keep reminding myself that the "odds" are in our favor...hopefully this time we will be just as lucky as we were with Noah, just in a different way. 

Freaky Friday!!

Weekends have been kind of a bummer lately. My husband is NEVER around, he is really busy working on the house and getting things ready for our big move which is about 1-2 weeks away. I am starting to get very freaked out...we have been in the process of finishing/buying this house for over a year now and it has been delayed more times than I can count but it is finally becoming REAL.  Every time we "visit" the house I can not wrap my mind around the fact that we will be living there in a few short weeks, it will be our home! As scary as it is, it is also very exciting. I feel very "grownup", which is good because I will be 28 in a few months and umm, err...I think it's time to feel like a grownup when you are fastly approaching 30!!

My hubby is taking a break this weekend for Noah's 1 year pictures/family pictures. I have been looking forward to this for awhile. I booked a really talented photographer and I am excited to see the final results! I will be sure to post a link to her blog when they are up, and you can see the "K" family in action!

Other than the pictures it's a boring weekend around here, probably a cruise around the mall which is my usual saturday "thing", maybe a few walks since the weather and the leaves are gorgeous here in NY, and of course some wine drinking since I am no longer "wine-less"!

Wine-less

Hubby is working late

Noah is sleeping at 7:50

I am starving

Worst of all......

I am wine-less!!!! 

I scoured the cabinets and found a mini-bottle of champagne from our friends wedding on 7-7-07. Popped it open, poured a glass.

I am not a champagne drinker but this shit was STALE....I didn't know champagne went bad. 

I chuckled as I poured it down the sink. I had packed that little bottle in my hospital bag when I went to give birth to Noah, figuring I would be living it up, drinking my champagne out of a plastic cup after giving birth. Kinda naive, kinda a good idea...hopefully baby K number 2 will allow me my post delivery drink! 

Questions

Questions going through my mind : 

Does time heal?

If the outcome had been different at this point, how would I be feeling, what would life be life?

Are we really this lucky?

I am continuing to grow both as a mother and a person. I was right to know all along that the one year mark would be a pinnacle of sorts. I really do feel good, like the "old" me actually. I am embracing this normalcy. Each moment shared with Noah , each milestone, is sweeter than it would have been had the whole "mess" not occured-or maybe it isn't...I'll never know. 

I can feel the anxiety lifting day by day. Not to say that I don't still carry a heavy burden of worry, but I am sure that is typical of motherhood. I am worrying less and enjoying more- a feat that is a year in the making!

I guess next up is losing the Noah pouch ( aka my gut) since with an almost 1 year old I can't really blame the flub on just having a baby! 

Pause

All along I have looked forward to 11-10-08.  At a time of so much uncertainty it was my focal point, my lighthouse, my beacon of hope. In the earliest days, when there was so much focus on the negative possibilities, I thought that if we could make it to 11-10-08, we would be o.k. That not matter what, 11-10-08 would be a happy day, one of laughter, of celebration.

11-10-07 is somewhat of a distant memory now. Of course you never forget the birth of your child, no matter what the circumstances. I suspect that the sights, sounds, and tastes of that experience will be deeply etched in my mind forever. I also suspect that subsequent children will also find a way to etch their entrance into the world, into my heart, in the same vivid way that Noah did. 

Today marks the 11th month that Noah has been alive and thriving on this earth. He is quickly turning from baby to boy.  Surprisingly my joy regarding the quickly approaching date of 11-10-08 has been bittersweet. As any mother surely knows, your baby growing up is a hard pill to swallow! 

Noah's birthday invites came in the mail today, our 1 year family photo shoot with a fabulous  photographer is scheduled for next week, in about two weeks we are closing on our house, then Noah's first halloween ( the last of his "first" holiday's), then his birthday, then thanksgiving, then christmas...the season of chaos is approaching!!!

I am so grateful, I am so blessed. I am happy. I am content. But somehow...my baby is turning into a toddler. Where did time go?? Sometimes I wish life had a fast forward button, a stop button, a rewind button.

Today I wish I had a pause button. To savor these moments with my little guy before he grows like a weed and is no longer small enough to be carried in his infant seat =) ( O.k. O.k...at 17 pounds, he IS a peanut..but with a daddy who is 6'3 he is BOUND to grow!!) 

The V word

As a lot of you know I have put off Noah's vaccinations for the past year. This is a very controversial decision and issue, and one that my pediatrician is NOT on my side about. 

Before Noah was born I was leery to vaccinate, but figured I would do one or two at a time and maybe delay them until 4-6 months.  After Noah had some "brain issues" and an abnormal EEG, I was VERY leery to vaccinate him. I read many books, studies, blogs, and went with my gut which has told me to wait it out. I will vaccinate, selectively, when I feel the time is right.

Noah's neurologist said something very odd to me at his 9 month check up. He told me he AGREED with my decision to wait, but felt that since Noah was "neurotypical" at 9 months, he felt it was now safe to start. He also said to do one at a time, and do DTAP last.  When I told this to my pediatrician she blew up and actually left the room....guess she was mad at him??!!??

All along I have said I would start at one. Well the time has come and his birthday is approaching and I don't know what to do. I was going to start with HIB and Polio, two of the more "harmless" vaccines, and go from there. I will not be doing Prevnar due to the higher risk of seizures and I am putting off DTAP probably until closer to 2. 

Any insight into this??? I would LOVE to hear from parents with children with any kind of brain issue/injury, how their children tolerated the shots, etc. Noah is doing SO amazing and I would never forgive myself if a shot I had him get triggered something. I can always give vaccines, but not take them back once he has them...

Your feedback is GREATLY needed!!!!

Blah

I am sorry that the last few posts aside from Noah's birthday invite's have been kind of negative. I have said it before, but I use this blog as sort of a journal and that is why I usually vent what is on my mind. I knew this time of year was going to be a little difficult and overall it has been mostly a blessing but I am still a human, with hormones! and so I do have my own inner struggle from time to time.

I know that from an outsiders perspective they may not really get why I am so stuck on last year, the best way I can describe it is that it was such a shock, and so painful, and I never really worked through it properly due to a bad case of post partum depression...and therefore it just lingered, and festered.

Sometimes I feel guilty and selfish because Noah is  to date, for lack of a better word, "neurotypical".  I often think that this alone should just shake me out of my fog, my hole, and make it all better. Life and human beings are much more complicated than that and so...it just isn't that easy.

I think a lot about the future, about when Noah is grown, how will I look back on this time? What will I have learned from him? How will it have shaped our family?

We went pumpkin picking this weekend, the weather was gorgeous ! I am so enjoying sharing all these little moments with Noah. Note the "theme" outfit ( of course), and his new "do", I cut his hair since it was getting sooooo long!

Letting Go

Two posts in one day- can you tell I don't work on Mondays?

Today as I drove to the mall I passed by the hospital where Noah was born. The maternity ward is a new addition on to the building and juts out over the highway, overlooking the hudson river. Had that glorious fall day in November of 07 been such a whirlwind of shock and emotion, my hospital room with it's breathtaking views of the river would have been amazing.

 My delivery room was right next to the waiting room, which is a huge glass room at the end of the addition. I can see the room I gave birth in clearly from the highway and every time I go to target, the mall, or any one of the other various stores and supermarkets in that area i look up at it. I must say that I cry every.single.time. that I pass by the hospital. Sometimes tears of joy and thankfulness that my miracle is who he is today. Sometimes tears of sadness remembering back to those first moments when something went terribly, horribly, wrong. I have even changed doctors because I never want to deliver a baby there or step foot for that matter in that hospital, ever again.  

Granted that hospital has a level 3 NICU, and maybe just maybe their quick action and treatment "saved" my baby...but I just hate that place, the smell, the sight, the sounds....

As the leaves turn, and the air becomes cool, it is becoming more and more apparent that fall is here and November is just around the corner. It's almost been a full year, this journey. Slowly I am letting go and opening up to the possibility that it *will* be *ok*. 

My point was....

Each month of Noah's life I took a picture of him on a black sheet...I cut out the number, made sure he was looking at the camera, made sure it was always the exact day he turned X months old.. at the time not sure exactly where I was going with the idea..

Well it just so happened that the pictures made for a cute addition to Noah's invite, and it is also fun to see how he changed from month to month. I cheated this month because I couldn't wait for the 10th to roll around before taking his 11 month photo, I needed to order the cards ASAP. 

It was growing increasingly harder for Noah to sit still for the picture, as evidenced by month 10's lack of even facing the camera let along looking at it!!! Last night we practically had to pin Noah down and snap as quickly as possible to get the 11 month shot...I am learning to be less of a perfectionist with an *almost* toddler. 

I used Scrapblog.com by the way to make the invites- it's a really cool, easy to use, free digital scrap booking site, and they just added the option to print them into cards or books. I think they came out pretty cute and I am sure the grandparents will all agree when they get this in the mail =)

Noah Palooza 2008

This is the rough draft for the cover of Noah's invites, I used a gnarly old chair which my husband says looks dumb but I thought it was part of the "look", any how...what do you think? 

Great Expectations

I think Noah's situation is pretty unique, which makes the mommy 101 lessons for me just a little more complex.

When Noah was in the NICU and they were telling me all this vague medical jargon about his brain, the injury and insult to it and what it * might* mean for his future, I found myself getting my defenses up outwardly but inwardly was crumbling.

When we finally got to take Noah home I found myself hawk eyeing him at all times. By this I mean I was watching his every move, literally, almost 24 hours a day. Was that cute laugh he belted out in his sleep a seizure?? Is his moro reflex abnormal?? Why is his fist clenched?? What about that tonic neck reflex??? As he grew and days turned to weeks our "what to expect the first year" book was a constant fixture on our coffee table, not because I needed help on how to give baby a bath, but rather I was fixated on the "what your baby should be doing" section. 

To say I pushed Noah would be an understatement. Of course the smiling and laughing thing you couldn't push but other things like reaching, babbling ( ahhh coo), tummy time, rolling, sitting, standing - these things were practiced almost constantly. Noah sat unassisted in a tripod pose at 4 1/2 months and by 5 months could sit well on his own, this is very early and it's because I seriously propped him in the boppy to encourage this wayyy tooo early.

Even now, I repeat words to him all the time ( cat and dog) and he will repeat them after you say it at least 25 times to him...and of course I get all giddy and proud, but why? I am recently asking myself.

It's all because I feel the need to show doctors, HA! you were wrong! Look at my boy, he's smart, he's social, he's happy. I want to ask : is he "normal" enough for you??? You should see me at the neurologist, I feel like a stage mom for pete's sake!!

As Noah grows in his awarness of the world around him I have noticed after he does something he always looks back to me for some kind of validation. If he claps, he looks to find mom, stands, where's my mom to see me? At first this was cute, and made me feel "needed" but lately I am seeing it as a developing problem- my problem.

I don't want Noah to feel like he needs to please me, and I don't want to push him and pressure him because I need to show the world he is o.k., more than o.k., thriving and smart. Noah is a very happy baby and I want him to stay that way....not be one of those nervous kids who always needs to please.

As I look back on this year and my many, many mistakes I think this may be one of the biggest. I need to make an effort not to be so pushy, to let him grow and develop on his own terms. To be a support and a cheer leader, not necessarily a coach.