Heart and Head

As a social worker I often use the phrase "separate your heart from your head". The decision to have another baby fits this phrase perfectly. My heart aches to be pregnant, actually it has ached since I had Noah and I was on the quest to "re-write my version of childbirth. As time went on I knew I could not get pregnant just to try and heal from my experience with Noah but as he grew and time healed certain wounds I felt strong enough to give motherhood another go ahead. Then I had a miscarriage. Bad luck. Cruel twist. Random or tied to Noah's situation? Whatever the case, it sucked and it made my ache for another baby even stronger. 

After the miscarriage it became clear that my husband was not ready for a baby. Not that he was glad I lost our January baby but in a way I think he was relieved. The economy is bad. We are late 20-somethings living in a brand new house. I drive a new volvo and my husband has a new truck. I am social worker and we all know we are not the highest paid people around. Yes some of the purchases were our choice, but we have also made a lot of good choices and just got the luck of the dice of being young adults in a recession. 

Daycare is expensive. I have been lucky this past 21months and between my mother in law and mother we have had free childcare. In September we will be paying 120 a week for his 3 days of childcare ( cheap by some standards but still an extra 480 a month!). Logically if we times this by two kids and bump it to five days a week which it will eventually evolve to, it does not make sense for me to even work, and I need to work.

So that is where I must separate my heart from my head. My heart that aches to be pregnant now and my head that tells me the timing is just plain bad. My husband and I discussed it last night and of course I ended up in tears and slept on the couch, always the drama queen I am. This morning we had a less hormonal conversation and agreed on trying in November. Not the end of the world but also not ideal. I worry about waiting too long, it taking me awhile to conceive, having another miscarriage. But in the end my head tells me to stop worrying and my heart tells me it will all be ok.