I have been tagged, here goes: 

7 weird facts about me:

1.  I can only eat cheese if it is melted

2. I am deathly afraid of flying, and of airplanes in general

3. I named Noah after the main character in "The Notebook"

4. I have a master's degree and bachelors degree in social work but always wanted to be a writer or in fashion marketing ( far FAR cry from my current profession!)

5.  I LOVE photography and would love to start my own business someday...sooner than later!

6. My lucky number is 1, I was born on 1-18-81, got married on 10-1, had Noah on 11-10....wonder what the next "1" will be in my life!

7. I was bulimic/anorexic for almost 10 years...spent time in the hospital as a teenager, that is why I went into social work. Pregnancy literally "snapped" me out of my body image issues...I finally same my body as beautiful after it changed and formed into such a cool shape! 

Happy Halloween!

Yay! Costumes, candy, beautiful weather over in our neck of the woods, what a fun day! I am so looking forward to sharing it with my "little stinker" ( Noah will be a skunk!)

Hope everyone has a great day with their little pumpkins! I look forward to sharing some pictures!

Connected....again!

Yes, I found another mommy...or she found me, again via the nest due to a post I had written to the other mommy I had connected with. Her story again is eerily similar, and the outcome being a happy, healthy, developmentally on target 18 month old... so with Noah's birthday a 11 days away I can't help but think this timing is more than a coincidence - It helps beyond measure to hear from and talk to these families! 

I am so excited for Halloween tomorrow, Noah is going to be a skunk, it has a little red heart on the booty that says "little stinker"- oh the joys of dressing your little one like this!  

After tomorrow all of Noah's "1st" Holiday's are over...so it's official, my baby is now a toddler! Then it is on to November , the elusive month that has been my focal point since  well, last November! 

I am going to recap my birth story, and some of the events that led up to Noah's birth towards the end of next week. It's always therapeutic for me to do this...and I am looking forward to having that be the last time I discuss it on here in such detail, sort of a conclusion...

It's my party...

Technically it's Noah's party, although he is oblivious to the planning involved so currently it feels like it's my party or at least my party to plan!!

I just ordered all the plates, cups, balloons, ect. Most of the stuff I found was fugly so I settled on this corny little number mostly because I liked the colors, and because the little "birthday head" looks like Noah .

Because I am a coordinating freak, I got Noah a personalized birthday hat on Etsy that is adorable ( it's green and blue and has a one on it with his name embroidered across the front) 

The grand total for all the balloons, cups, plates , streamers, personalized hat and onesie, disposable helium tank, favors, and cake is upwards to almost 200 bucks. We still haven't ordered food and due to the fact that my hubby so graciously invited all of his coworkers, we will have about 50 people in my new house that I am YET to move into...oh and the party is on 11/15. So in the next two weeks we need to move into a house to have space to party like it's....a first birthday of course! 

Mommy 0, Wasp 1

So after a long, dreary day with a cranky *almost* toddler, I decided that 4 o'clock has rolled around, my hubby will be home soon, I am going to have a glass of wine while I cook. I open the cabinet to get out a glass and suddenly I feel this horrible stinging in my hand - sure enough, a big ol' wasp was in there just waiting for the poor sucker who opened the cabinet first!

I forgot how much bee stings hurt!!! Noah is now sequestered to his swing ( yes swing at almost 1, I know I know), and I am drinking my chardonnay , sulking. My hand is the size of a balloon and it's completely numb. Nice excuse for takeout, but really freaking painful! Thank God I'm not allergic!!

Connected

So after a year of searching for a story similar to Noah's, I finally found one- right under my nose!

I have frequented " The Nest" message boards for years now, prior to pregnancy and Noah, and before then I was addicted to "The Knot" when I was engaged and planning my wedding. All throughout my pregnancy I would post almost daily but after my birth experience and my depression, It sort of fizzled out for me. Lately I have been checking the message boards again and by pure chance I read someone's bio which described a story extremely similar to Noah's with the outcome being a healthy, happy, developmentally "normal" 2 1/2 year old. 

It may not seem like a big deal to outsiders, and since my own child is healthy and happy and developmentally "normal" I know others may question why this matters to me at this point but the answer is simple: It just does.

For the first time I got to connect with another mom who knows pretty much exactly how I felt, plus she is about a year 1/2 ahead of me in her parenthood journey, and has had a second child.  I have asked a lot of questions about labor number 2 and all the feelings and planning involved.

Sooo...if that mom happens to read this, thanks for responding to me, I am SO glad we could connect!!!

The Homestretch of Babyhood

Lately I am all mixed up, I would blame it on hormones but I got my period last week. I have been finding myself going for a cigarette break with my co-worker, and I haven't been a smoker for 7 years!  It's not really depression, or anxiety. It's really just feeling "mixed up"- if that makes any sense.

The past year has been such a whirlwind as it is for any new parent. I don't think a lot of my feelings are abnormal or related to the special circumstances of Noah's entrance into this world. I think it's more about my baby turning into a toddler, and the feelings that evokes in any mother. It's also about life changes such as the move we are about to embark on, and also the anxieties of potentially adding to our family this next year. 

2007- great year

2008- up down up down up

2009-??? I predict a great year!!!

I got a picture of Noah standing on his own last night. He only stands for about 5-10 seconds before plopping down on his booty but it's really cool to see. His next neurology appointment is in November and I was really hoping he would be walking by then ( which is when we are finally released from his care) but I don't think that's happening- so maybe in February then, since we have to go every three months. 

All in all things are good because Noah is good and as a mother that is kind of all that matters =) I am enjoying planning for his party but also a little anxiety ridden since I want to be the hostess with the mostess...

Nostalgic

I know I just posted but I wanted to write..so here goes...

My baby, my little peanut, my first born itty bitty, where have you gone? Today I watch you play in the leaves and I see a little boy no longer a baby. I remember the pain and the anxiety of your first days, months...it is all such a blur that I don't remember your tiny toes, your sweet smell, your spiky hair. Thank God for pictures, those moments frozen for me to look back on, to reminisce.  I miss that small baby, but I love this little boy.

Buggy Boy, with your crooked smile, your bald spot, your zest for breast feeding, you have become my Noah Boa with your toothy grin, your wild strawberry blonde hair, your picky eating habits. 

This year, the past two years, when you grew inside of my belly, when I got to know your active nature, your strong kicks, when you emerged from me, screaming. I will never forget that moment. Daddy was crying, I looked to my left...and there you were. It was so weird Noah Boa, I could feel you attached to me still since the cord had not been cut. My son. I will not lie, I was stunned at first. That night 11-9-07  as it turned into 11-10-07 had been the most painful, and yet most exhilarating of my life. I wanted to cry with joy but I was in shock. I loved you, but you were still a stranger. We would not have proper introductions for some time.....

Joy turned to fear and then sorrow. Life handed us an unexpected reality. I was so sad, daddy was stunned. Mi Ma and grandpa were so supportive and such a loving force. I was selfish Noah Boa...but eventually love woke me up from my selfish fog and threw me into the selfless world known only as "motherhood".

Since you were conceived in February 2007, I have loved you, hoped for you, wished for you, and embraced you as my heart and my soul. I did not know all that lay before us...but I would not change a thing, because if I did...you wouldn't be "you".

Soon we will add to our family, three will become four. Thank you Noah Boa, mommy's Buggy Boy for paving the way and for showing us the beauty of parenthood and of unconditional love. 

Lucky

This morning we had our photo shoot...it was FREEZING!!! Plus Noah who is normally such an attention whore ( for lack of a better description!) was Mr. Cranky Pants. Despite the elements I think the photog got some great shots, a few are posted on her blog : surprisephotography.blogspot.com , Noah is " Little Man N", check us out! 

Lately I can not put into words how truly lucky, and blessed we are. Noah is growing and thriving and defying all the odds, and my wildest dreams. I love my little man and look forward to all our adventures! 

The Odds

I have searched and searched for a story like Noah's, looking for someone who understood, and also looking for hope. I don't really look anymore because I have found hope in my little boy, but I have happened upon a few stories in the recent months, one just a few days ago. 

The staggering statistic is that all the stories either end in the baby dying, or with the baby suffering severe brain damage. It was what we were told in the NICU and sadly it seems it's the reality. I know there isn't much out there regarding full term infants with brain damage/injury of various sorts and what is out there is so so pessimistic and grim. These "odds" are what I fixated on, what brought me so down in the early days.

Lately I can't seem to shake these stories from my mind. Why is Noah so healthy? Why did he defy these odds? Instead of focusing on the "why us" of what happened, I can't help but be devastated for the families that lost their babies to similar injuries.  I found the blog of a family whose little girl was born full term on 10/3/08. Just like Noah she was born after a great pregnancy and a seemingly harmless labor. She was born HEALTHY and in no distress. All hell broke loose after they took her to the nursery for her bath, just like Noah. She had severe brain swelling/seizures.....her MRI revealed that the swelling/seizures caused severe damage to most of her brain. The beautiful little girl passed away four days later. 

Noah is here and she is in heaven. It's not fair. All the "it's not fairs" that I cried were not worth anything because I have my baby and this poor mother does not. It's so scary that these things happen. So earth shattering, life changing. Before Noah was born I figured if your ultrasounds looked good then there was really no chance that the baby would be born anything but "perfect". I figured when they monitored Noah's heart rate when I was in labor and it was "fine", then he was "fine". 

Right now I am so very thankful for Noah and the past year I have had being his mother. I am so heartbroken for these other families that walked in our shoes....but then walked in another pair that thankfully I never had to try on.  I will never know "why" or "what" happened and I will never know "why" Noah defied the odds. But what I do know is that I am lucky to be the mommy of this special little boy whose birth changed my views on so many things. 

Scared is an understatement when I think of having another baby. We will be trying within the next 6 months. I am no longer naive. I will no longer walk into my 20 week ultrasound clueless only hoping to find out if it's a boy or a girl, figuring of course everything else will be fine. I will be paranoid. I will be terrified. Honestly I am hoping the pain of labor will be my focus instead of the horror that somehow my unborn baby is being starved of oxygen. I think the worst will be when they take the baby to the nursery...my husband will not be leaving the baby out of his sight!!

I know that when I am ready I will "know", that it will fall into place. I just keep reminding myself that the "odds" are in our favor...hopefully this time we will be just as lucky as we were with Noah, just in a different way. 

Freaky Friday!!

Weekends have been kind of a bummer lately. My husband is NEVER around, he is really busy working on the house and getting things ready for our big move which is about 1-2 weeks away. I am starting to get very freaked out...we have been in the process of finishing/buying this house for over a year now and it has been delayed more times than I can count but it is finally becoming REAL.  Every time we "visit" the house I can not wrap my mind around the fact that we will be living there in a few short weeks, it will be our home! As scary as it is, it is also very exciting. I feel very "grownup", which is good because I will be 28 in a few months and umm, err...I think it's time to feel like a grownup when you are fastly approaching 30!!

My hubby is taking a break this weekend for Noah's 1 year pictures/family pictures. I have been looking forward to this for awhile. I booked a really talented photographer and I am excited to see the final results! I will be sure to post a link to her blog when they are up, and you can see the "K" family in action!

Other than the pictures it's a boring weekend around here, probably a cruise around the mall which is my usual saturday "thing", maybe a few walks since the weather and the leaves are gorgeous here in NY, and of course some wine drinking since I am no longer "wine-less"!

Wine-less

Hubby is working late

Noah is sleeping at 7:50

I am starving

Worst of all......

I am wine-less!!!! 

I scoured the cabinets and found a mini-bottle of champagne from our friends wedding on 7-7-07. Popped it open, poured a glass.

I am not a champagne drinker but this shit was STALE....I didn't know champagne went bad. 

I chuckled as I poured it down the sink. I had packed that little bottle in my hospital bag when I went to give birth to Noah, figuring I would be living it up, drinking my champagne out of a plastic cup after giving birth. Kinda naive, kinda a good idea...hopefully baby K number 2 will allow me my post delivery drink! 

Questions

Questions going through my mind : 

Does time heal?

If the outcome had been different at this point, how would I be feeling, what would life be life?

Are we really this lucky?

I am continuing to grow both as a mother and a person. I was right to know all along that the one year mark would be a pinnacle of sorts. I really do feel good, like the "old" me actually. I am embracing this normalcy. Each moment shared with Noah , each milestone, is sweeter than it would have been had the whole "mess" not occured-or maybe it isn't...I'll never know. 

I can feel the anxiety lifting day by day. Not to say that I don't still carry a heavy burden of worry, but I am sure that is typical of motherhood. I am worrying less and enjoying more- a feat that is a year in the making!

I guess next up is losing the Noah pouch ( aka my gut) since with an almost 1 year old I can't really blame the flub on just having a baby! 

Pause

All along I have looked forward to 11-10-08.  At a time of so much uncertainty it was my focal point, my lighthouse, my beacon of hope. In the earliest days, when there was so much focus on the negative possibilities, I thought that if we could make it to 11-10-08, we would be o.k. That not matter what, 11-10-08 would be a happy day, one of laughter, of celebration.

11-10-07 is somewhat of a distant memory now. Of course you never forget the birth of your child, no matter what the circumstances. I suspect that the sights, sounds, and tastes of that experience will be deeply etched in my mind forever. I also suspect that subsequent children will also find a way to etch their entrance into the world, into my heart, in the same vivid way that Noah did. 

Today marks the 11th month that Noah has been alive and thriving on this earth. He is quickly turning from baby to boy.  Surprisingly my joy regarding the quickly approaching date of 11-10-08 has been bittersweet. As any mother surely knows, your baby growing up is a hard pill to swallow! 

Noah's birthday invites came in the mail today, our 1 year family photo shoot with a fabulous  photographer is scheduled for next week, in about two weeks we are closing on our house, then Noah's first halloween ( the last of his "first" holiday's), then his birthday, then thanksgiving, then christmas...the season of chaos is approaching!!!

I am so grateful, I am so blessed. I am happy. I am content. But somehow...my baby is turning into a toddler. Where did time go?? Sometimes I wish life had a fast forward button, a stop button, a rewind button.

Today I wish I had a pause button. To savor these moments with my little guy before he grows like a weed and is no longer small enough to be carried in his infant seat =) ( O.k. O.k...at 17 pounds, he IS a peanut..but with a daddy who is 6'3 he is BOUND to grow!!) 

The V word

As a lot of you know I have put off Noah's vaccinations for the past year. This is a very controversial decision and issue, and one that my pediatrician is NOT on my side about. 

Before Noah was born I was leery to vaccinate, but figured I would do one or two at a time and maybe delay them until 4-6 months.  After Noah had some "brain issues" and an abnormal EEG, I was VERY leery to vaccinate him. I read many books, studies, blogs, and went with my gut which has told me to wait it out. I will vaccinate, selectively, when I feel the time is right.

Noah's neurologist said something very odd to me at his 9 month check up. He told me he AGREED with my decision to wait, but felt that since Noah was "neurotypical" at 9 months, he felt it was now safe to start. He also said to do one at a time, and do DTAP last.  When I told this to my pediatrician she blew up and actually left the room....guess she was mad at him??!!??

All along I have said I would start at one. Well the time has come and his birthday is approaching and I don't know what to do. I was going to start with HIB and Polio, two of the more "harmless" vaccines, and go from there. I will not be doing Prevnar due to the higher risk of seizures and I am putting off DTAP probably until closer to 2. 

Any insight into this??? I would LOVE to hear from parents with children with any kind of brain issue/injury, how their children tolerated the shots, etc. Noah is doing SO amazing and I would never forgive myself if a shot I had him get triggered something. I can always give vaccines, but not take them back once he has them...

Your feedback is GREATLY needed!!!!

Blah

I am sorry that the last few posts aside from Noah's birthday invite's have been kind of negative. I have said it before, but I use this blog as sort of a journal and that is why I usually vent what is on my mind. I knew this time of year was going to be a little difficult and overall it has been mostly a blessing but I am still a human, with hormones! and so I do have my own inner struggle from time to time.

I know that from an outsiders perspective they may not really get why I am so stuck on last year, the best way I can describe it is that it was such a shock, and so painful, and I never really worked through it properly due to a bad case of post partum depression...and therefore it just lingered, and festered.

Sometimes I feel guilty and selfish because Noah is  to date, for lack of a better word, "neurotypical".  I often think that this alone should just shake me out of my fog, my hole, and make it all better. Life and human beings are much more complicated than that and so...it just isn't that easy.

I think a lot about the future, about when Noah is grown, how will I look back on this time? What will I have learned from him? How will it have shaped our family?

We went pumpkin picking this weekend, the weather was gorgeous ! I am so enjoying sharing all these little moments with Noah. Note the "theme" outfit ( of course), and his new "do", I cut his hair since it was getting sooooo long!

Letting Go

Two posts in one day- can you tell I don't work on Mondays?

Today as I drove to the mall I passed by the hospital where Noah was born. The maternity ward is a new addition on to the building and juts out over the highway, overlooking the hudson river. Had that glorious fall day in November of 07 been such a whirlwind of shock and emotion, my hospital room with it's breathtaking views of the river would have been amazing.

 My delivery room was right next to the waiting room, which is a huge glass room at the end of the addition. I can see the room I gave birth in clearly from the highway and every time I go to target, the mall, or any one of the other various stores and supermarkets in that area i look up at it. I must say that I cry every.single.time. that I pass by the hospital. Sometimes tears of joy and thankfulness that my miracle is who he is today. Sometimes tears of sadness remembering back to those first moments when something went terribly, horribly, wrong. I have even changed doctors because I never want to deliver a baby there or step foot for that matter in that hospital, ever again.  

Granted that hospital has a level 3 NICU, and maybe just maybe their quick action and treatment "saved" my baby...but I just hate that place, the smell, the sight, the sounds....

As the leaves turn, and the air becomes cool, it is becoming more and more apparent that fall is here and November is just around the corner. It's almost been a full year, this journey. Slowly I am letting go and opening up to the possibility that it *will* be *ok*. 

My point was....

Each month of Noah's life I took a picture of him on a black sheet...I cut out the number, made sure he was looking at the camera, made sure it was always the exact day he turned X months old.. at the time not sure exactly where I was going with the idea..

Well it just so happened that the pictures made for a cute addition to Noah's invite, and it is also fun to see how he changed from month to month. I cheated this month because I couldn't wait for the 10th to roll around before taking his 11 month photo, I needed to order the cards ASAP. 

It was growing increasingly harder for Noah to sit still for the picture, as evidenced by month 10's lack of even facing the camera let along looking at it!!! Last night we practically had to pin Noah down and snap as quickly as possible to get the 11 month shot...I am learning to be less of a perfectionist with an *almost* toddler. 

I used Scrapblog.com by the way to make the invites- it's a really cool, easy to use, free digital scrap booking site, and they just added the option to print them into cards or books. I think they came out pretty cute and I am sure the grandparents will all agree when they get this in the mail =)

Noah Palooza 2008

This is the rough draft for the cover of Noah's invites, I used a gnarly old chair which my husband says looks dumb but I thought it was part of the "look", any how...what do you think? 

Great Expectations

I think Noah's situation is pretty unique, which makes the mommy 101 lessons for me just a little more complex.

When Noah was in the NICU and they were telling me all this vague medical jargon about his brain, the injury and insult to it and what it * might* mean for his future, I found myself getting my defenses up outwardly but inwardly was crumbling.

When we finally got to take Noah home I found myself hawk eyeing him at all times. By this I mean I was watching his every move, literally, almost 24 hours a day. Was that cute laugh he belted out in his sleep a seizure?? Is his moro reflex abnormal?? Why is his fist clenched?? What about that tonic neck reflex??? As he grew and days turned to weeks our "what to expect the first year" book was a constant fixture on our coffee table, not because I needed help on how to give baby a bath, but rather I was fixated on the "what your baby should be doing" section. 

To say I pushed Noah would be an understatement. Of course the smiling and laughing thing you couldn't push but other things like reaching, babbling ( ahhh coo), tummy time, rolling, sitting, standing - these things were practiced almost constantly. Noah sat unassisted in a tripod pose at 4 1/2 months and by 5 months could sit well on his own, this is very early and it's because I seriously propped him in the boppy to encourage this wayyy tooo early.

Even now, I repeat words to him all the time ( cat and dog) and he will repeat them after you say it at least 25 times to him...and of course I get all giddy and proud, but why? I am recently asking myself.

It's all because I feel the need to show doctors, HA! you were wrong! Look at my boy, he's smart, he's social, he's happy. I want to ask : is he "normal" enough for you??? You should see me at the neurologist, I feel like a stage mom for pete's sake!!

As Noah grows in his awarness of the world around him I have noticed after he does something he always looks back to me for some kind of validation. If he claps, he looks to find mom, stands, where's my mom to see me? At first this was cute, and made me feel "needed" but lately I am seeing it as a developing problem- my problem.

I don't want Noah to feel like he needs to please me, and I don't want to push him and pressure him because I need to show the world he is o.k., more than o.k., thriving and smart. Noah is a very happy baby and I want him to stay that way....not be one of those nervous kids who always needs to please.

As I look back on this year and my many, many mistakes I think this may be one of the biggest. I need to make an effort not to be so pushy, to let him grow and develop on his own terms. To be a support and a cheer leader, not necessarily a coach. 

Sweet

Yesterday we had such a simple and sweet evening, the first in a very long time. With Noah in his jammies, we picked up pizza, drove up to our new house, ate pizza standing over our new kitchen island and talked about the past, the future, and the plans for the house. 

We hugged, like we haven't in awhile. Throughout this year I have really lost touch with a lot of things, the most important being my husband. It felt really good, it was simple, and it was sweet. Last night was the perfect way to celebrate 3 years of ups and downs, and the life that we have created together.

Nostalgic

I am sorting through some wedding photo's today since it's our anniversary and since it's gloomy and crappy out and we both have to work,  and thought I'd share since I love looking at pictures of other peoples weddings. I was obsessed with the knot from 2004 until 2006 when I was helping my best friend plan her wedding. Enjoy! 

My wedding colors were pink and brown...and I think so was everyones who got married around that time! 

We got married in a non denomonational chapel right on the Hudson River at 4pm, it was such a cute little church !

We left for Mexico the next day...ahhhh Mexico....