Worrywart

Today Noah had his 18 month appointment. I will never look at doctors and routine appointments ever again, first after "Noah's story" and second after having a miscarriage. I also decided to have Noah get his Dtap shot today which has been delayed for ummm, 16 months now! 

I woke up feeling slightly panicked. I Noah too skinny?? Is he developmentally delayed?? Will the doctor find something...anything wrong with him?? Because seriously I am not in a place to deal with more unexpected bad news.

On the drive over to the doctors office I was getting more and more anxious. My heart was pounding, I had to pee, I was sweating. We get in and are seen right away, wheew. They do the whole weight, height, head measurement first. :::::drumroll please:::: - Noah weighs 19 pounds 9 oz. He has gained FOUR FREAKING OUNCES in 3 months. All the wendy's chicken nuggets and full fat greek yogurt and drenched in butter waffles....nothing is bulking up this boy! 

So I start crying. I am officially the strung out crazy mom. The doctor comes in and starts consoling me. She tells me he is fine, he is just petite. She asks me if I had an eating disorder...I answer yes and we go into a whole convo about that. I am at Noah's well baby visit and I am getting "therapatized" by his pediatrician ( crawl under a rock and die now). The pedi goes on to tell me that Noah has "amazing" muscle tone and is strong, will probably be an athlete. She was probably just trying to butter me up ( no pun intended, lol,) but it did make me feel better.

Noah says about 10-15 words and 5 animal sounds which she said was great. She commented about how smart he is and doesn't need to see him until he is TWO.

So while I am a crazy freak of a parent whose pedi suggested I see a therapist ( she really did) ...My son albeit the worlds smallest toddler is smart and cute and amazing and continues to be my miracle man.

Free to be me, for this week anyhow...

I am using this week as a "get out of jail free card". I have drank way too much and ate way too much but I am trying not to feel guilty about it. Next week I am starting weight watchers in hopes of losing at least 10 pounds before we take the plunge and try to conceive yet again.....

I am so excited about the first week in august- we rented a beach house for the week and my parents are coming for a few days ( built in babysitters). This miscarriage blows for lack of a better term but date night(s) with my hubby at the cape including dinner and drinks at our all time favorite place makes me feel a lot better!

Not much new to report, the bleeding is slowing and I am hoping my body starts to heal soon so that I can move on physically. Emotionally? I am just scared, but that is not too new from before! Just another lesson that we can not control our lives!

Bad Dream

Yesterday was wonderful. We spent the afternoon at my in-laws lake house and Noah had a blast. I am not a huge fan of my in-laws so for me to have a good time with them around is rare. Anyhow that it for another post.  What was so wonderful was Noah had the best time ever swimming in the lake with his cousin. Of course I had forgotten to bring his swimmy diapers so he went in butt naked, skin and bones frolicking in the cold water, all.day.long. I enjoyed watching his so much that I all but forgot how craptastic the last few days were. 

When we got home and Noah was in bed my husband and I went outside on our back deck. I had what was probably my 6th glass of sangria ( hey, it's a holiday weekend) and remarked that I feel as if I was never pregnant this time. For you moms, when you get a BFP ( big fat positive) on a pregnancy test you immediately identify as pregnant. You eat right. You glow. You are exhausted but insanely excited. For me it starts to consume my every move, thought and I was settling into my new role. For three weeks anyhow... and then BAM one morning I was pregnant and a few hours later I wasn't. Very strange and surreal, kind of like a bad dream.

Coincidently I have this week off from work. I am not sure if it's a blessing or a curse. I had planned this week off imagining I'd have morning sickness and I could shlump around the house in my sweats all week since I had vacation time to take- I figured it would be the perfect week. Now, in a way, I am glad I can shlump around in my sweats but now sure if idle time is good for me when I am upset. 

I think everyday it will feel less like a bad dream but I am still consumed with this sinking worry that this will happen again. I keep telling myself: one. day. at a time. 

Moving passed...

Today I start to move passed this, I "shed" the sac this morning and I am sorry if that is way too much information but I just had to get it out. I am a bit more traumatized and upset than I thought I would be. This may sound insanely insensitive but in the past when I heard about an early miscarriage I thought simply that it shouldn't take too much to move past it. I now feel utterly horrible at even having those thoughts because any miscarriage is an emotional and horrible experience. Passing an embryo no matter how small is passing something that was part of you. One week ago I was making plans for my new years baby and this morning I literally flushed those plans down the toilet.

I am learning through all of these trials and tribulations that are my "parenting experience" that my husband and I are not on the same page. I don't speak of my husband often and never got in to the details of how he reacted  following Noah's birth but let's just say I often feel very alone in my reactions. I am trying to keep hormones and anger out of it and am keeping it as simply, everyone deals with things in a different way. 

So today, after getting my second bloodwork drawn  and with the passing of what was to be,  

I am moving forward. Noah is down for his nap, I am sitting, cuddled with a blanket on my porch, sipping my pinot and about to dig in to my mother's day gift- the Twilight book series. 

We will keep living and learning and enjoying, with a few tears and bitter feelings, but hey, we are only human....

Until next time....

Sweet

Everyone has been so so nice, in blog world and in my "real world". Yesterday my two co-workers who also have become two very close friends where there with my from the moment the bleeding started, came with me to to doctor and made sure I was ok in the few hours to follow.  I have also enjoyed reading everyones kind comments, it really does make me feel better!

I usually don't do two posts in one day but I just got a call from my obgyn. This is a new practice that I changed to after having Noah and so far they have been phenomenal. It so happens that I actually did get an answer regarding what happened. I have low progesterone and while it made me a bit sad that had I known before maybe this could have been prevented, it also helps me feel that next time we can have a plan and take action which is very comforting seeing as my first born was a complete medical mystery!

I also found out I can have sex and even better, ditch this freaking pad, put back on my thongs and actually wear a tampon. Ahhh the small things =)

Thank heavens for long weekends and my week off next week. My pregnancy hormone level was still pretty high ( 56,000 something) and it has to go to zero so just a lot of blood work to come . We will start trying again after 2 cycles, so hopefully sometime in August.

Thanks again for all the well wishes, they are just what I needed.

I haven't cried yet which is really odd. I am upset and angry and sad...but no tears? I am bleeding and have to wear granny panties and pads, two things that I hate. I am 10 pounds overweight. But honestly I just miss the excitement and the anticipation that a new baby to be brings, and also the miracle of growing a little life. It will be our time again but for now I am just :::bleck::: and hoping this bleeding passes soon and I can move on.  

When I went in for the U/S ( even though I had a gut feeling there would be no heartbeat) I had a passing thought that *maybe* I'd see a little flickering heartbeat and I get a miracle. I guess I already got my miracle once, and honestly Noah is all the miracle I need to move past this. Thank goodness for my smiling little boy, you can't be sad long with him around.

Deflated

I kind of feel like a moron.  Yesterday I was bloated like a balloon and thinking it was silly and today I am miscarrying.  I started bleeding and got a doc appointment which confirmed "baby" stopped growing 2 weeks ago. I am on the verge of tears but haven't cried yet. Just upset, angry and scared something is "wrong" with my hubby and I.  Journey to motherhood has been a real "trip". I am drinking wine, feeling like I am going to puke and staring at my babyless flubber. I hope this happens naturally and I don't need a D&C.

Balloon

I seriously look 3 month pregnant, at least. I am so bloated I  feel like there is a balloon under my shirt, or triplets. The "baby" is about the size of a grain of rice so why on earth do I look like I swallowed a ball?? My husband gets a good chuckle out of this as do my co-workers whom I've told. Everyone else is probably talking behind my back and saying I need to lay off the cupcakes!

The same thing happened when I was pregnant with Noah, except that time I started out 10 pounds thinner wearing a size 4. I know the weight thing is moot at this point and if I eat healthy and don't overindulge I won't turn into a whale by christmas but it is a little disheartening to need a bella band at 6.5 weeks pregnant! 

If this baby is a girl this is definitely my last pregnancy so I am really trying to enjoy it, bloat, hormones and all. It still doesn't seem real yet but I am sure that will change real soon....

Noah is still blissfully aware that he is going to be the BIG brother. He is getting so big, saying new words and learned the sign for more. His eating is still a major issue which worries me to no end but I am trying despite raging hormones to take it one day at a time!

Scared

After Noah the thought about how I would make it through another pregnancy was always in the back of my mind. I knew we would "brave it", make it through, but I figured I would have time to prepare and plan before it actually happened. When I got pregnant on the first shot that kind of threw any planning out the window. But life's not about planning now is it?

So far I am faring well. I feel o.k. physically and my only complaints are exhaustion this week. Mentally I cycle between feeling elated to feeling petrified and then there is every other emotion in between. There are also the "normal" run of the mill- " how on earth am I going to juggle being a working mom of two"!

I have changed doctors this time around and they do things a bit differently then my previous obgyn. With Noah I had many ultrasounds starting at 6 weeks. Even though I am essentially considered "high risk" I will not have an U/S until I believe 10 weeks. I think the more in depth appointments and testing will come later to look at the cord and placenta since they were possibly linked to Noah's injury. So anyhow, waiting 6 more weeks to see this baby is driving me crazy, I am paranoid that it's not growing or somethings wrong but I am not dwelling on it and enjoying my day to day- of course Noah helps to keep me busy and keep my mind off of this!

So in short, I am scared shit but I am also extremely excited. I am taking it one day at a time. Today I am pregnant, Today I love my baby. Today is going to be o.k.

Happy Mother's Day

I have always loved Mother' Day. It was always a nice spring day. We always went out to brunch or dinner. Generally everyone was in a happy and thankful mood. Now that I am a mom I look forward to Mother's Day for a different reason. It is a great day to spend time with my family of three and then branch out for dinner with my own mother. This is my second mother's day as a mother myself and we are hoping to go for a hike today just as we had done last year. 

Today is also the day that Noah turns 18 months. Aside from the speech delay I suspect he is doing awesome and is growing into such a cool little guy. He is definitely no longer a baby and is now a full blown toddler. Where on earth did a year and a half go???

Such big changes coming for us this year. So far so good with this pregnancy although I am only 5 weeks 1 day. I have horrible diarrhea which I did not have with Noah, exhaustion but no sore boobs which makes me slightly panicky and slightly thankful. I started puking 6 weeks on the dot when I was pregnant with Noah so let's just see what happens next saturday! 

Happy Mother's Day to all the fabulous mother's out there, enjoy your day!

Peace

The last few days have been surprisingly peaceful. To be honest I do have moments of panic but those are quickly followed with an intense happiness, sense of peace and thankfulness for our growing family. 

My heart has been ready to burst this week- Noah is saying more words ( he called my dad PaPa last night!!!!), and now the little miracle growing inside of me...it is truly a time of joy for us. 

I took another pregnancy test today partly because I am paranoid and partly because I love seeing that line pop up. I could stare at those two lines all day! I know last month I was freaking out about being pregnant and hoping AF would show but right now this just feels right.

Happy Monday!

36 weeks to go...

Today I got the shock of a lifetime, I am pregnant...due sometime around 1-9-10.....we seriously only had one moment where this could have happened, I didn't think were were that fertile or maybe it was just meant to be.

So here we are....ready or not, baby number 2 is on it's way!