Rough

This week has been really rough. I know for the most part I have been pretty optimistic lately and my posts are usually very positive, this one may be a bit more raw. I don't know where it came from but I started googling things, things that happened to Noah, all his symptoms, the weird blood test results he had in his first days of life. Google is bad. Very bad. I know this from experience because I spent the first year of Noah's life trying to get some answers and got a Phd from Doctor Google himself. So all this manic, hormonal driven googling got a little out of control. I had horrible insomnia, throwing up, not eating, crying...fun times. I was so sure something is wrong with Noah and will pop up at any moment....and it will all also happen to this baby as well.

Anxiety?
PTSD?
You think???

After some soul searching and a talk with my husband I have stayed away from google, and I am trying to believe in the power of positive thinking. This will not happen again. Noah albeit a medical mystery is thriving and is perfect. This is what I have to hold on to. Last night I had a dream and while I can't remember the details my grandmother was in it. My grandmother always comes to my dreams when I need her and there she was, I am taking it as a sign that things will be o.k.

Full Term

I celebrated full termness by landing at the birth center, for fluids, since I was so severely dehydrated my ketones ( whatever those are) were "off the charts". I can thank the rascals at my job for sharing their stomach bug which was very very ugly. My hormones, emotions, whatever you want to call them are now at an all time "high". I have been having some pretty intense contractions for about 3 days now and found out yesterday I was 3cm dilated and 50% effaced. Looks like this little boy will make his debut before his May 24th due date! I am scared, anxious, terrified, petrified, excited, happy, elated, you name- I have it swirling around!

Flashbacks

So today I had my 36 week growth ultrasound: Ya' know, the one that back in 2007 brought some unsettling news and was the first of "bad" things that happened at the end of my pregnancy with Noah. Needless to say I felt like puking or pooping my pants in the waiting room. Thankfully my husband came with, and I was somewhat calm during the actual ultrasound. The tech gave us a peak in 4D so that was fun although ( I didn't ask) but was watching like a HAWK and could see he was actually measuring between 34-36 weeks instead of what I was hoping for ( like a HUGE baby measuring 38 weeks, lol). I know this is all o.k. and I know I will probably never have big fat babies but it scared me a tad. I will not get the full report for a few days but the midwife seemed to think if the tech saw an issue she would have brought it to their attention. GRRRRR more waiting!!!

To make the wait more pleasant however I can stare at my chubby cheeked little boy who looks nothing like his big brother!!!!!

Noah's Mom

I know that every mother thinks that their child is a miracle, and yes, every child is. Before Noah I never though much about the word *miracle*, except maybe in a religious context. I did not necessarily believe in miracles and was coming from the school of belief that some people were lucky and others...not so much. If something was going to happen, good or bad, it was just that. Giving birth and witnessing tiny miracles unfold everyday has changed my perception. I still do believe that things are happenstance, luck or misfortune. But *miracles* are what we mothers see.

I never know if what I feel is normal or if it's because I was told my child may never talk, walk, eat, live. 50/50 odds. To see and know Noah, this is hard to believe. I don't share Noah's story much anymore but I recently mentioned it to his babysitter. She was shocked. Noah is the spunkiest, silliest, chattiest little guy around- how can I not believe in miracles? Every little kiss, I love you, silly phrase, funny dance- it all brings me back to the day he was born. Each day I stop, sometimes hundreds of times in a single day and think of 11-10-07, and remember how lucky, how honest to god, jaw dropping, heart stopping, LUCKY we are. How lucky Noah is. Why us? Why not us?

To be Noah's mom has been the hardest and yet most profoundly joyous, life changing experience of my 29 years. Noah is special, just like everyone is in their own way. Everyone has a story. Noah's story reminds me to slow down and enjoy the little things, something I have always found/find hard to do. I feel honored to be part of his story, to be his mama. Now that I am *about* to bring a new little life into this world I am expecting to see Rowen as just as miraculous as I see his big brother. How could I not? He too is a miracle and a new beginning for us, another ray of sunshine to warm our hearts and grow our family.

I am one lucky lady

Nesting

HUGE!

35/35

35 weeks down, 35 days to go. Unbelievable. We painted Rowen's room this week and next on my agenda is going through Noah's newborn stuff to see what I can use again ( although Rowen has quite the collection of his own things already!). My nerves continue to be "iffy", scared is an understatement but like I have said all along I am taking it one day at a time and focusing on the positives. We meet with our doula tonight to solidify our birth plan and next week is my 36 week u/s where we will find out how big or little my lil' bean is! Prayers and positive thoughts always appreciated on 4/27 because as any faithful blog reader would know Noah's growth u/s was the first *sign* that something may be wrong and well....boy was it ever!!! Let's pray for a chunker in there!!!

Snips and Snails

Noah is turning into the quintessential little boy. Dirty nails and face. Scraped Knees. Scratches. Bruises. A love for catching the ladybugs that have started to swarm our house. I once envisioned tutu's and tea parties but I wouldn't trade my little man for anything!