Flashbacks

So today I had my 36 week growth ultrasound: Ya' know, the one that back in 2007 brought some unsettling news and was the first of "bad" things that happened at the end of my pregnancy with Noah. Needless to say I felt like puking or pooping my pants in the waiting room. Thankfully my husband came with, and I was somewhat calm during the actual ultrasound. The tech gave us a peak in 4D so that was fun although ( I didn't ask) but was watching like a HAWK and could see he was actually measuring between 34-36 weeks instead of what I was hoping for ( like a HUGE baby measuring 38 weeks, lol). I know this is all o.k. and I know I will probably never have big fat babies but it scared me a tad. I will not get the full report for a few days but the midwife seemed to think if the tech saw an issue she would have brought it to their attention. GRRRRR more waiting!!!

To make the wait more pleasant however I can stare at my chubby cheeked little boy who looks nothing like his big brother!!!!!

Noah's Mom

I know that every mother thinks that their child is a miracle, and yes, every child is. Before Noah I never though much about the word *miracle*, except maybe in a religious context. I did not necessarily believe in miracles and was coming from the school of belief that some people were lucky and others...not so much. If something was going to happen, good or bad, it was just that. Giving birth and witnessing tiny miracles unfold everyday has changed my perception. I still do believe that things are happenstance, luck or misfortune. But *miracles* are what we mothers see.

I never know if what I feel is normal or if it's because I was told my child may never talk, walk, eat, live. 50/50 odds. To see and know Noah, this is hard to believe. I don't share Noah's story much anymore but I recently mentioned it to his babysitter. She was shocked. Noah is the spunkiest, silliest, chattiest little guy around- how can I not believe in miracles? Every little kiss, I love you, silly phrase, funny dance- it all brings me back to the day he was born. Each day I stop, sometimes hundreds of times in a single day and think of 11-10-07, and remember how lucky, how honest to god, jaw dropping, heart stopping, LUCKY we are. How lucky Noah is. Why us? Why not us?

To be Noah's mom has been the hardest and yet most profoundly joyous, life changing experience of my 29 years. Noah is special, just like everyone is in their own way. Everyone has a story. Noah's story reminds me to slow down and enjoy the little things, something I have always found/find hard to do. I feel honored to be part of his story, to be his mama. Now that I am *about* to bring a new little life into this world I am expecting to see Rowen as just as miraculous as I see his big brother. How could I not? He too is a miracle and a new beginning for us, another ray of sunshine to warm our hearts and grow our family.

I am one lucky lady

Nesting

HUGE!

35/35

35 weeks down, 35 days to go. Unbelievable. We painted Rowen's room this week and next on my agenda is going through Noah's newborn stuff to see what I can use again ( although Rowen has quite the collection of his own things already!). My nerves continue to be "iffy", scared is an understatement but like I have said all along I am taking it one day at a time and focusing on the positives. We meet with our doula tonight to solidify our birth plan and next week is my 36 week u/s where we will find out how big or little my lil' bean is! Prayers and positive thoughts always appreciated on 4/27 because as any faithful blog reader would know Noah's growth u/s was the first *sign* that something may be wrong and well....boy was it ever!!! Let's pray for a chunker in there!!!

Snips and Snails

Noah is turning into the quintessential little boy. Dirty nails and face. Scraped Knees. Scratches. Bruises. A love for catching the ladybugs that have started to swarm our house. I once envisioned tutu's and tea parties but I wouldn't trade my little man for anything!

32 weeks!

I can't believe I am 32 weeks pregnant. I can't believe baby Rowen is almost here. I can't believe I am going to a mom of two, let alone two boys . Life in it's perfectly unplanned finest! I have started with the insomnia, which creeps it way in at around 2am and lingers until about 4am. Between the heartburn, nausea, and weird numb crotch I have going on it makes it almost impossible for me to get a good night sleep. During these late night insomnia fests I have found my mind wandering to a million + 1 different places. These range from the whole brain swelling, neonatal seizure fears of Noah's past to the more mainstream how is Noah going to handle a sibling entering our home. I must say it's starting to get mentally exhausting. I hate to "rush life" and while I am notorious for doing this I just really want Rowen here already. Gone are the sunshine and rainbow pregnancy days of 2007, this time I am ready to be done with a healthy newborn in my arms!

I have grown so anxious lately about Noah and his feelings. He is becoming such a little person, talking in 4-5 word sentences and is such a mama's boy. Despite all the drama and tension my husband and I have had over the years we really are very close knit, very affectionate and very happy in our little trio. I know that Rowen is a blessing and will be such a great addition but it's all just very scary! I don't want Noah to ever feel unloved or second best, I don't want him to feel sad. Couple this with the fears that something will go wrong during labor and I am just a hormonal train wreck. May 24th can not come soon enough!

Wonderful World

This weekend was perfect, after last weeks fiasco it was such a welcome ending to a crazy week. The weather was near 70, we went to the zoo, for ice cream, for a hike, played in the yard and I even got some new pictures of Noah even if I needed to photoshop the heck out of his bruised head ( although his bangs did cover most of it!). I must have stopped and thought how lucky and truly blessed we are to have such a spirited, feisty little miracle entrusted to us. I am starting to get extremely sappy about our growing family. I am savoring every last drop of having Noah as an only child...but as my husband likes to remind me, we are giving him a best friend and what could be better than that.