Full Circle

So here we are, back at go: today is November 10th!

Yesterday I was very weepy, crying on and off about nothing and everything. It wasn't exactly a sad weepy, just emotional.

Last night Noah slept horribly. He was up pretty much every single hour. I had to laugh at the irony because upon each awakening I glanced at the clock and thought of my labor at that time last year. Finally he awoke at around 3:30 which was when I was pushing. In a way it was kind of nice to think about it as I was up nursing my happy, healthy little boy. 

In the early morning hours of today I lay in bed quietly reflecting. It's been quite the year for us, and in coming back to this day one year later I am a completely different person than the woman I was just 365 days ago. I also realized that the actually day 11-10 isn't hard for me, it's the days that followed. Noah was seemingly healthy for the first 5 hours he was on this earth, it's the next hours, days and months that were so painful. Today is a happy day, 100% happy, special, wonderful day and it always will be.

On the agenda for tonight is cake and balloons...Noah got his first present last night, a radio flyer car which he loves! His party is on Saturday which coincidentally falls on the day that we brought him home from the hospital ( very fitting to celebrate on that day!)

All I am left to say is happy birthday to my beautiful boy. My husband and I sang to him when he woke up this morning and he greeted us by throwing his arms up "so big" style.  Very fitting  and surely brought us a good laugh! 

This is were I hoped to be last year, in that dark, cold, scary NICU. I prayed to enjoy the beautiful fall air, the leaves, and my boy who I hoped beyond hoped would be with us to enjoy his day, eat his cake, and play with his balloons. Noah has surpassed my hopes, and beyond doubt will continue to do so.

Our journey to one is over, but the greater journey has only just begun!

                                             Happy  1st Birthday Buggy Boy!!!!

Labor Pains, Growing Pains

A year ago today I was in labor, experiencing pain that I seriously never knew possible. It hurt so bad I had an outer body experience! When I woke up this morning my husband and I were talking about it and I said that I actually forget what it felt like. I remember it hurt, and I mean hurt but for the life of me I can't remember exactly what it felt like! I guess that's why the human race doesn't become extinct! Your just forget and gear up for the next one!

I have been very emotional this past week. Like I stated in an earlier post, it's crazy in the "K" household! We are starting to move stuff over later today, will move the bigger stuff like the couches, bed, crib, etc. mid-week, probably close on wednesday, and then the big birthday bash is on saturday!  Thankfully I have off from work wednesday-friday, but honestly it's all a bit overwhelming!

I am so in love with Noah, and this week I am about bursting at the seams with happiness and gratefulness for his health and recovery. Last year at this time I was in the most dark of places and today the sun is shining brighter then I could have imagined. I can't believe he will be ONE tomorrow, a toddler! I am looking forward to the holiday season, the lights, Santa, presents but all in all I am looking forward to his future and our future as a family.

I am not going to lie; it's been a long year. At times I wanted to throw in the towel, I felt like I couldn't possibly go on since it all seemed so overwhelming. But here we are, almost full circle to where we started, and it has all been so worth it. 

363 down, 2 to go!

In preparation for Noah's birthday I had a mini-photo shoot with him yesterday, complete with baby legs and a goofy personalized hat. The results are very cute and I am sure Noah will appreciate me putting him in leg warmers when he is a adolescent! 

I am SO PMS'ing this week, in conjunction with moving this week, on top of the "birthday week" already being somewhat emotional, let's just say I am quite the hormonal train wreck. Nonetheless we are so happy to be where we are today and continue to count our blessings.

Enjoy the photo's and have a great weekend! 

And so it began...

We are not 4 days away from Noah's 1st birthday. As I was driving to work this morning I realized how much better I have been feeling lately, about the birth, the past year, about what "happened". Maybe it's the fact that I had it ingrained in my mind for the past year that if I could only get to 11-10-08, I ( we) would be ok. So here we are, 4 days left until the big day, and I ( we) ARE Ok! 

Wednesday 11-7-07 was the day I went in for my routine 38 week ultrasound, non-stress test ( I think that's what it's called) and for just a routine internal exam. I can still remember driving to that appointment, the sun was shining, the air was unseasonably warm and I was drinking a nasty protein drink since the nurse told me to make sure I eat protein that day for the test. Unbeknownst to me it was my last few moments of worry less bliss, the only kind of worry free existence you know prior to having a child. It was also the last moments of my perfect, normal pregnancy.

The baby stopped growing. We were sent to a specialist. Things looked ok for a day or so. I was scheduled to be induced two days later. 

I knew something was wrong. My mommy gut told me so. I just didn't know how wrong things really would turn out. 

In the early days I was bitter about being induced, everyone blamed that on Noah's birth injury. I now feel the induction saved him, had he stayed inside of me, whatever was suffocating him, may have killed him. The cord, the placenta, whatever- something just was not right. I am ok with not knowing, because just as a doctor told me in those dark early days " if he is ok, nothing else matters". 

Halloween 2008, recap

He ate his first dum dum, well licked it a few times anyway

Tasted a kit kat for the first time, and it needed to be wrestled from his fingers!

Went trick or treating in mi ma's neighborhood

And best of all, he was the cutest little stinker, EVER!

Time...

Do you recognize these lyrics?

and time goes by so slowly

and time can do so much

They are from Unchained Melody, which happens to be my wedding song. I know it has to be one of the cheesiest, most cliche' wedding songs around, and I later found out it was written by someone in jail ...but it still is a pretty song. Our original wedding song was supposed to be "Into the Mystic" by Van Morrison but for some reason our band decided they couldn't play this song "good enough" and asked us to dance to the CD version. Since I paid extra money for live music and was slightly Bridezilla about the whole thing- we changed our song and later cut our cake to the CD version of Into The Mystic. 

Not sure why I am choosing to tell you all this little tid bit of info, but the song popped into my head today when we were changing the clocks back. Daylight savings always screws with me! I know it's only an hour but I get very confused since every.single. clock in my small apartment has a different time on it. I actually just called my mother to ask her if it was 8am or 9am....it's 8am!

Noah is now in his high chair eating his toast and jam, which is currently pretty much the only table food other than pizza that he will eat. Nothing is easy with this kid!!! But still loving every minute of him...

Sweet November

So here we are, November. This is the month where this story began. Since March 10th, 2007 I have looked forward to November and knew that surely it would always be a special month. 

November 2007 started like any other November, only it was my "due date month" and I was very excited with the anticipation of the birth of my first child. The first sign that something could be wrong with my pregnancy came at my 38 week doctors appointment on November 7th, 2007.  After my ultrasound I knew instantly that something was wrong, the tech was whispering to the nurses and since my doctor had just left for a delivery, no one could tell me much other than to come back at 5pm. 

Apparently the baby ( Noah) had stopped growing since the last ultrasound which had been a few weeks prior. I was immediately sent to a specialist for a more in depth ultrasound first thing the next morning. Relief was very short lived- according to that ultrasound the baby was fine, just small. The conclusion was that I am petite and so was the baby. Basically everything looked great. I now have some suspicion that there was an issue with the cord/placenta and Noah was not getting enough nutrients/oxygen thus the stop of growth and the issues with his brain following delivery. I was induced two days later with the feeling that the baby was better off on the "outside" where he could begin to feed and grow. 

This post wasn't meant as a recap per say, so I'll stop there. Back to November. I have looked forward to this month since 11-10-07. It was always my beacon of hope, my light at the end of what seemed like a very long tunnel.  December, January, February, March, April, May  all brought there share of both tears and laughter.  Remembering back to May ( the half way point) I was emotionally exhausted, it had been 6 months, 6 more months felt like an eternity. As the spring gave way to June, July, and August, my fears albeit still there, began to normalize somewhat and give way to a more typical "mother worry".  We had a great summer and even went on a  much needed vacation to the beach. I felt so blessed to be able to share these moments with Noah as way back when in November 2007 I was told that we may never be able to do so. 

 Fall rolled in as August turned to September, and then October. I was so afraid of fall thinking that the leaves, pumpkins, and spicy aroma's would bring it all back. I was pleasantly surprised that my reaction was much more positive than had been anticipated. Fall brought with it comfort and a sense of peace. I began planning for Noah's first Halloween and for his first birthday celebration. Once again reveling in the miracle that is my son, and counting my blessings for these moments.

So here we are. November. I am a different person than I was just 12 months ago. Motherhood had changed me, our story has changed me. Sometimes I think for the better, sometimes in my moments of anxiety ridden craziness I think for the worse. But what i don't have to think twice about is the insane amount of love and adoration I feel for the little creature who came into my life last November. 

If I could have looked to the future last November 10th as saw where we would be at today, it would have made it all the worlds better. I should have had more faith in my son and in the medical professionals that were doing their best to help him. I should have had more faith in a higher power, I should have had more faith in my husband, and in myself.  The past is the past. It is a year later, time to move on. No longer can I blame my gut on "just having a baby" ( he he he), and  I also can't let this fester. Sadness, anger, fear- it has all festered enough, and grown, and exploded in my face. It is a happy time, time for laughter, thankfulness, peace- November is sweet and I am so glad it is finally here...and in a way sad that my baby is growing up!