And so it began...

We are not 4 days away from Noah's 1st birthday. As I was driving to work this morning I realized how much better I have been feeling lately, about the birth, the past year, about what "happened". Maybe it's the fact that I had it ingrained in my mind for the past year that if I could only get to 11-10-08, I ( we) would be ok. So here we are, 4 days left until the big day, and I ( we) ARE Ok! 

Wednesday 11-7-07 was the day I went in for my routine 38 week ultrasound, non-stress test ( I think that's what it's called) and for just a routine internal exam. I can still remember driving to that appointment, the sun was shining, the air was unseasonably warm and I was drinking a nasty protein drink since the nurse told me to make sure I eat protein that day for the test. Unbeknownst to me it was my last few moments of worry less bliss, the only kind of worry free existence you know prior to having a child. It was also the last moments of my perfect, normal pregnancy.

The baby stopped growing. We were sent to a specialist. Things looked ok for a day or so. I was scheduled to be induced two days later. 

I knew something was wrong. My mommy gut told me so. I just didn't know how wrong things really would turn out. 

In the early days I was bitter about being induced, everyone blamed that on Noah's birth injury. I now feel the induction saved him, had he stayed inside of me, whatever was suffocating him, may have killed him. The cord, the placenta, whatever- something just was not right. I am ok with not knowing, because just as a doctor told me in those dark early days " if he is ok, nothing else matters".