Sweet November

So here we are, November. This is the month where this story began. Since March 10th, 2007 I have looked forward to November and knew that surely it would always be a special month. 

November 2007 started like any other November, only it was my "due date month" and I was very excited with the anticipation of the birth of my first child. The first sign that something could be wrong with my pregnancy came at my 38 week doctors appointment on November 7th, 2007.  After my ultrasound I knew instantly that something was wrong, the tech was whispering to the nurses and since my doctor had just left for a delivery, no one could tell me much other than to come back at 5pm. 

Apparently the baby ( Noah) had stopped growing since the last ultrasound which had been a few weeks prior. I was immediately sent to a specialist for a more in depth ultrasound first thing the next morning. Relief was very short lived- according to that ultrasound the baby was fine, just small. The conclusion was that I am petite and so was the baby. Basically everything looked great. I now have some suspicion that there was an issue with the cord/placenta and Noah was not getting enough nutrients/oxygen thus the stop of growth and the issues with his brain following delivery. I was induced two days later with the feeling that the baby was better off on the "outside" where he could begin to feed and grow. 

This post wasn't meant as a recap per say, so I'll stop there. Back to November. I have looked forward to this month since 11-10-07. It was always my beacon of hope, my light at the end of what seemed like a very long tunnel.  December, January, February, March, April, May  all brought there share of both tears and laughter.  Remembering back to May ( the half way point) I was emotionally exhausted, it had been 6 months, 6 more months felt like an eternity. As the spring gave way to June, July, and August, my fears albeit still there, began to normalize somewhat and give way to a more typical "mother worry".  We had a great summer and even went on a  much needed vacation to the beach. I felt so blessed to be able to share these moments with Noah as way back when in November 2007 I was told that we may never be able to do so. 

 Fall rolled in as August turned to September, and then October. I was so afraid of fall thinking that the leaves, pumpkins, and spicy aroma's would bring it all back. I was pleasantly surprised that my reaction was much more positive than had been anticipated. Fall brought with it comfort and a sense of peace. I began planning for Noah's first Halloween and for his first birthday celebration. Once again reveling in the miracle that is my son, and counting my blessings for these moments.

So here we are. November. I am a different person than I was just 12 months ago. Motherhood had changed me, our story has changed me. Sometimes I think for the better, sometimes in my moments of anxiety ridden craziness I think for the worse. But what i don't have to think twice about is the insane amount of love and adoration I feel for the little creature who came into my life last November. 

If I could have looked to the future last November 10th as saw where we would be at today, it would have made it all the worlds better. I should have had more faith in my son and in the medical professionals that were doing their best to help him. I should have had more faith in a higher power, I should have had more faith in my husband, and in myself.  The past is the past. It is a year later, time to move on. No longer can I blame my gut on "just having a baby" ( he he he), and  I also can't let this fester. Sadness, anger, fear- it has all festered enough, and grown, and exploded in my face. It is a happy time, time for laughter, thankfulness, peace- November is sweet and I am so glad it is finally here...and in a way sad that my baby is growing up!