Goodbye 2009!

This past year has been very good to us, with the normal ups and downs of any year of life, we were blessed and came out overall pretty happy, healthy and fairly unscathed.

Last year I was so happy to say goodbye to 2008, while it was the first year of my baby's life it was one of the most difficult times of my life. As 2008 rounded the corner into 2009 things were looking so much brighter for us and well...I just wanted to move on!

I don't exactly feel that way about 2009. There was no major health scares or new houses to buy, no shocking revelations or crazy new transitions to get used to. All in all we were just a normal young family, settling into our new house and moving from babyhood to toddlerhood with our little guy.

I am a bit nervous about 2010- once again new and unchartered territory lies ahead of us as we become parents to not one, but two little dudes. The number one question is will the birth go o.k.? Getting over that hurdle will be the most dramatic ( hopefully!) but surely not the most challenging. Nervous or not I am also extremely hopeful, optimistic and excited. How can you not be? 2010 with it's new beginnings is bright and promising.

Happy and Healthy New Year to all!!! Bring on 2010!!!

Well......

It's a BOY!!!!!!!

I must say, I was sure I would be totally disappointed to see another lil' winky ( I hate to admit that and yes everyone just wants a healthy baby but we are all human and humans are strange creatures and welllll...I always wanted a little girl and little girl clothes are so cute...and blah blah blah.

Going in my heart was pounding. I was excited and scared and honestly just wanted to see the brain and heart and all that good stuff looking...good. Great news is the tech said everything looked good and then we saw it. That little thing hanging between the legs. And you know what??

I could not stop SMILING for ear to ear. We left, me clutching the cutest ultrasound profile picture ever and the biggest goofiest grin on my face. I am so happy to be adding another lil' man to my house!!!

My husband, he's a bit shell shocked. Not the kinda "man's man" guy he was hoping for pink and hoping his house would not be destroyed by another bruiser. Oh and boys love their mama's, lol.

At least he is open for number three. I have always wanted three anyway =)

Pink or Blue?

Tomorrow I find out if I am destined to be queen of the castle, or if I will share my throne with a little princess! I am very excited, I would love a little girl but I am sure Noah would love a rough and tumble playmate so we shall see ;) I find myself going back and forth between anxiety and excitement- I just want to see and hear the words that this little bean is healthy!

Christmas was fun, although just like last year Noah was sick! I swear, what is it with kids and getting sick for christmas, it's a tradition around here! Noah continues to ask for mis-mis claus ( christmas claus is what he calls santa, lol) and seems very confused that Rudolph and frosty are no longer on t.v. every night. We thoroughly enjoyed the entire holiday season and look forward to any more ( healthy) holiday's to come!

I must say, waiting for this big ultrasound is like waiting for christmas morning all over again....

New things

With the new year only a few weeks away, a new baby on the way and a little boy who is getting bigger and bigger by the day I have reflecting on new/fresh starts. What do I want from 2010, or more importantly what do I want for our growing and changing family?

To start, I would love to be more present. Not in the day but in the moment. As Noah gets bigger I miss the early days and the sweetness of a baby. I was not a present mother back then and I can only hope I will be more present for Noah as he grows and as we introduce a new little one into our triad.

No more food battles with Noah. So what if he only eats pasta, rice, pizza, chicken nuggets, cheese, yogurt, applesauce, crackers, cookies, oranges, grapes, banana's, cereal, toast, peanut butter, waffles, some soups...see that list is not that bad.

Rebuilding things with my husband- 4 years later we need some polishing up ;)

New family traditions- to start, dinner at the table and not in front of the t.v.

Healthy weight loss after this baby

A lot less drinking

.....2010, I am excited for you and the years ahead but mostly I am excited for right now when Noah is waking from his nap and baby is rolling around in my tummy.

Tiny reminders

I have started to feel baby move, tap tap and swoosh is basically it right now but it's amazing none the less. This is my favorite part of pregnancy and I am so excited to be experiencing it right now. Noah was super active in the womb ( and out, lol) and I felt him early on like I am feeling this one, if these early pokes are a sign of what is to come I may have another monkey on my hands! Tiny reminders of life's smallest miracles.

Fear

It happened, suddenly and with no warning. I was up late, watching "Mystery Diagnosis". Before I even go on I should add, I should never.ever.be.watching.this.show. Especially when pregnant. It sucked me in, a little girl born with cataracts, she had tremors and developmental delays. No one could diagnose her. Mom gets pregnant with baby number two, everyone assures her this baby will be ok. He is born with cataracts. I lost it. Logically I know Noah is showing no symptoms, that the symptoms he had at birth miraculously resolved and we have moved on without an issue since. He did have elevated liver enzymes at about 6 months which no one could really explain other than he may have had a virus, but that still nags at me. What if this baby is born with a swollen brain and seizures and apnea issues? It would not only rip my heart out but it would mean something is wrong with Noah. In the show it turned out that the kids both had a very rare genetic syndrome with a live expectancy of seven, seven. That poor mama.

So since that show I have been so very fearful. Honestly I want to enjoy being pregnant but I can not wait for May to get here and for me to pop out a 100% percent healthy baby, I need to breathe a sigh of relief. For now, I will be staying away from discovery health and google....fear is a wasteful emotion isn't it?

What's the point?

I am still not sure who, if anyone is reading my blog anymore. It's sort of been shoved to the wayside with the excitement of my pregnancy and my life being blissfully drama free these past few months. I was however caught by surprise a few days ago when someone posted a strange comment, stating my posts were full of grief and asking why I blog with people who have lost their children. While I am still very confused at that latter statement, I was taken a bit by the opinion that my posts seem to be from someone who is grieving, because while yes, I did grieve when Noah was born ( flame me if you want but you were never in my shoes), and I still have moments of anger regarding his first year being filled with so much stress and sorrow over the unknown, these days I am so filled with happiness, love and gratitude for my miracle it seems my heart might burst. I have said this before but will recap. Yes, Noah is fine. Yes, all signs point to him being "o.k". But it was not always like this. Giving seizure meds to a newborn, taking him to neurologists and geneticists, worrying that he had some incurable degenerative disease...those posts, they were filled with grief and rightfully so. I got a chance to wake up from my nightmare and believe me I know how lucky we are but that does not make it all go away. I don't know why I feel the need to explain myself, this is my blog, my space to vent....but I just do not like to be judged in this poor light.

:::ahhhh:::::

Which leads me to some feelings that I need to a) leave this blog for good, or b) make it private. Seeing some unpleasant comments left a bad taste in my mouth and left me wondering- who is reading this? I don't post our names but I post my sons first name and his picture. Is that safe? The internet is a crazy thing and I am thinking I may have "leaked" us a little too far. I feel like I put my heart on my sleeve only for someone to laugh at it. Maybe it's time to protect it a little better. Maybe it's the hormones talking, it's just what has been stewing in my mind since last week.

Once this baby is born ( we find out in a month if it's a Tessa or a Kai ( or Mason or Oliver, lol) I will start a new blog, one that's a bit more anonymous and less dramatic...one I wou;dn't cringe at if my mother read =)

Not sure what my point is, or what is was 2 years ago when I started blogging, but I am still glad to have a space to vent....I would call it a judgement free zone but that's not the case, and that's fine since it's public but all in all it's my space and if you don't like me, you don't have to read about my life.