3 years ago tonight....

Was the eve of my wedding day. I was sick with a cold and totally freaking out....up until that point having a cold on my wedding day was the worst thing that could ever happen ( o.k. o.k. total bridezilla moment) , but at the time it felt like that!!!!

I went to bed in my childhood bedroom, in my childhood bed, and slept soundly, dreaming for the day I had waited my whole life for.

The morning of 10-1-05 I awoke feeling 100% better, the sky was blue ( not clouds!!) and the temp. was an unseasonable 75%. I have never felt so beautiful. 

10-1-05 was the day I married my best friend, and started our journey together.

3 years ago feels like an eternity, and in some ways like yesterday. So much has changed, and so much is still only beginning... 

Last year I was around 33 weeks pregnant, this year I am the mom to an *almost* one year old, maybe next year we will be expecting #2?? ...... until then, I am toasting to my little family and our big adventure together =)  

The two photo's are of our wedding day, the belly shot is last year on our anniversary..this year I am in baby food stained pj's and have not had a hair cut in 4 months!!!! 

The other shoe

After Noah's birth I spent the first three months in a fog. I seriously do not remember most of November, December comes in bit's and pieces, and in January the fog started to slowly seep away. I got a massage and facial for my 27th birthday on January 18th and spent the entire time racking my brain regarding info I had recently read on hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy all the while not even knowing if that's exactly what happened to my baby. That was a point where I realized I had hit somewhat of a low. 

I started blogging in february, I had just gone back to work and was starting to become very overwhelmed with my depression ( most of which was truly post partum) and my husbands lack of understanding. I truly felt I had no one to talk to. My co worker who also happens to be a good friend was pregnant and I while she was extremely supportive and understanding, I felt guilty bombarding her with my pregnancy tales of woe. I was also insanely jealous of her ever growing belly and all the promise and excitement that lay ahead of her. My blog became my connection to this universe that I never knew existed, a universe of pain and suffering but also of hope and love. Because Noah was doing extremely well developmentally and not showing signs of CP I began to feel guilty, as if I didn't belong. I felt intrusive and as if it was somewhat inappropriate that I read and comment on these blogs because after all I did not understand what these families were going through.

In march we were referred to a geneticist . This was probably my lowest point because up until then we figured it was a transient birth injury, not something deeper. My pediatrician felt Noah was "too normal" for his "injury" and felt it was possibly metabolic. March and April were horrific for me, waiting for results, wondering, praying, crying.  His metabolic work up came back normal. 

May was a turning point, 6 months, half a year! When Noah was first born I kept making promises to myself like "if we can just make it to 11/10/08 we will be ok". This had been an exhausting year and the half way point gave me some light at the end of a long tunnel. The spring brought with it a renewed sense of hope and my depression began to lift. Noah was still growing, thriving, he was happy, and healthy and despite continued visits to various specialists to "check on him", Noah continued to defy the odds. 

Since I am an anxious, glass half empty type by nature, I continued to worry, research on the internet, freak myself out, and not enjoy the moment. I tried, seriously. I gave it a good fight but my mind always wandered to the "what ifs",  wondering if and when the other shoe would drop.  My husband says I would be like this no matter what, that if Noah had been born without any complications that I would still find something to worry about and he is probably right. But waiting for the other shoe to drop is exhausting. It's defeating. I think this is what I am sad about the most. 

This takes me to my 1st confession. I am selfish. I am starting to realize that most of this is not about Noah, but about me. I have never said this out loud or admitted to it in any fashion, but when Noah was in the NICU and doctors were telling me all this shit about his brain, my first thoughts were that my life was over, not about Noah or the hardships he might face. I felt disgusting that I thought this, but I cried for me, not for him. Now that I have gotten to know Noah, fell head over heels in love with him,  watch his personality unfold, I now worry purely for him and no longer for me.... but still way back when that was my first thought. 

Another confession is that I didn't take any pictures of Noah in the NICU. At the time I didn't want to remember that place and I felt weird documenting it. When a doctor or nurse congratulated me on my baby I got angry...I felt congrats were not in order. Looking back I see how weird this may seem but at the time it's how I felt.  Looking back I feel guilty that I didn't have faith in Noah, that I didn't want to take pictures to show him later on how far he has come. I am trying to put together a little video for his first birthday and it's as if his first days did not exist, as if the rawness and pain in my mind is enough that they did not need to be documented for all to see. 

So I've learned about faith, about miracles, I have learned that I am not exempt from bad things happening, that I am not special. I have learned I am a bit selfish, but also a but selfless. I have learned that I love being a mother, despite all the challenges it has brought.

I never liked surprises, never had much patience to "wait". If anything...this is the biggest lesson of it all, the wait and see part. Teaching me to enjoy the moment, love my guy today and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.  Obviously easier said than done, but I continue to try. 

Soooo BIG

Noah learned a new "trick", he now does " SO BIG", whenever you say it he brings both arms up over his head. I didn't teach him this one so not sure how he figured it out, must have been t.v. ?? or maybe my mother in law... it's cute none the less. 

On a more dramatic/annoying front: I work with juvenile delinquent/emotionally disturbed boys as a therapist in a residential treatment center, weeelllll today in the pouring rain, one punk decided to SLASH my tire, which I realized as I was driving in a torrential downpour- not cool. Plus the damn thing cost 250 bucks..... guess that is what I get for picking this career!

BTW: Noah is feeling a ton better, and also got two more teeth! 

Nurse mommy

Noah has his first "real" cold, along with his first ever fever. This is enough to make me a little worried, a little crazy, and a little proud of myself for handling it all in stride. Thank goodness for baby tylenol, thermoscan, and booger suckers! Let's just hope he feels better soon =)

Last night when he woke up burning up I realized one important thing : I don't know what my Dr.s protocol is with fevers, how high should it be to call them at 2am?

Yes I felt very irresponsible and yes I will be asking this during regular business hours. His temp was 100.9 via his ear ( I was told it would have been higher rectally, so which should I go with??)

To the moon and back

Lately I have been very emotional. The leaves falling, the air cooling, the halloween stuff in stores, November approaching. 

My emotions are different then I thought they would be. I am happy. I am loving life. I am loving my little boy. I know that in comparison to other's struggles mine is trite, but it's mine and the emotions I felt/felt are real, painful, and forever changed me. 

I often think back to the 50/50 prognosis. 50% "normal", 50% abnormal. Did we win the coin toss, the dice roll, the lottery? 

 Today I am 100% blessed to have Noah here with me, happy, healthy, safe and sound. Today  that is all I need to know. 

I am slowly finding peace and strength in the whole situation. Almost one year in the making but baby steps have paved the way for where I am today. My grandmother who I loved dearly passed away on 9/23/95.  I'd like to think that this renewed sense of who I was and who I am becoming is her spirit, carrying me along, and giving me the strength to finally carry myself. 

I have been thinking of attending the NICU reunion, maybe that is part of the full circle closure that I need. 

We have been thinking about trying for baby number 2 this winter/spring. Aside from some financial concerns, my biggest fear was/is that I am not emotionally ready. It brings me such comfort and joy to know that I am healing and that it will be possible to bring another life into this world in happiness not in total fear.

For now one step at a time, but progress none the less...

This time last year

I have noticed a pattern with my blog, days of positive posts followed by somewhat of a "flashback" post, followed by some more positive posts.... this is also the pattern my "self talk" follows. 

My mind usually goes something like this : " what if he has a seizure, stops developing, regresses, develops autism, blah blah blah", " and the on the flip side: he is doing so well, if he would have had issues they would have shown up by now, he will be ok". Kind of exhausting way to live but my brain is seriously never silent. That is the problem with a medical mystery, something you have no diagnosis or prognosis for, no answers. The mystery part is what kills me, what keeps me up at night, and what drives me crazy. I wish I could be more like my husband who's frame of mind is "he's fine, he great, move on, it will all be o.k.". I like that attitude a lot more, but frankly I've tried and it doesn't come naturally to me, I am too much of an anxious, worried, first time mom, with this added spice to the whole motherhood experience and you get me= pretty much a crazy lady!

Since 11-10-07, I have played the "this time last year" game. At first it was this time last week, or this time last month and as time went on it became "this time last year". Not sure if anyone else does this but it goes something like this " this time last year I was about 33 weeks pregnant, excited, glowing, somewhat anxious, I was truly content".  That was a pretty simple "this time last year" but some of the times my mind wanders and gets more vivid and I get kind of depressed, luckily that hasn't happened so much anymore.

I am very much looking forward to Noah's first birthday for a variety of reasons. One of them is that I no longer have to play the "this time last year" game  in my mind.  Last Winter was hands down the most painful time of my life, I am looking forward to putting that behind me and hopefully now when I think "this time last year" it will be filled with happy memories of Noah growing up.

Saturday morning adventures

Today I tried something new.

 Noah did not sleep well last night ( after an amazing 3 days of "good" nights), and having awoken to my monthly visitor, let's just say I was grouchy.  My hubby is either at work, or working on the new house, so I am alone with Noah probably 99% of the time ( seriously), and it makes mornings like this even harder.

Since we no longer keep food in the house due to the above mentioned statement that my hubby is never  home, and me eating most meals A. when I am on lunch break from work, or B. At my parents house, I ventured out to get a bagel with butter...since I no longer care if Noah left me with a gut and since I will never wear a size 2 again, what the hell, slather on the lard.  

I digress. But I will digress some more. I live in a quint little town, described once as the "new hamptons" or the "hamptons on the hudson".  It is FILLED with NYC people who are dripping in money and own second "country" homes here,  us locals find them kind of a nuisance since bagels now cost 4 dollars and you need to wait 20 minutes at the local cafe to get one. Soooo after my experience, I sat in my car, inhaled my greasy, 4 dollar bagel..and decided instead of going home Noah and I should take advantage of this "cute" little town and go on an adventure. Surely if people come here to relax I should be able to find some inner Zen by being a full time resident. 

Sure enough we happened upon the coolest park, EVER. I have passed it a gazillion times but never noticed the stream filled with ducks running through the park.  These ducks, being smart, and well trained, quickly waddled out of the water in search of food. Of course, I had inhaled my greasy bagel on the ride over and was empty handed, but they continued to waddle, quack, and ruffle their feathers for us. Noah loved the ducky show, swung on the swing, pointed and screeched and the goose, and now is NAPPING for the second time this week. 

Hooray for small adventures.. 

If ducks= tired , I may be hoarding some in my bathtub pretty soon!