My emotions are different then I thought they would be. I am happy. I am loving life. I am loving my little boy. I know that in comparison to other's struggles mine is trite, but it's mine and the emotions I felt/felt are real, painful, and forever changed me.
I often think back to the 50/50 prognosis. 50% "normal", 50% abnormal. Did we win the coin toss, the dice roll, the lottery?
Today I am 100% blessed to have Noah here with me, happy, healthy, safe and sound. Today that is all I need to know.
I am slowly finding peace and strength in the whole situation. Almost one year in the making but baby steps have paved the way for where I am today. My grandmother who I loved dearly passed away on 9/23/95. I'd like to think that this renewed sense of who I was and who I am becoming is her spirit, carrying me along, and giving me the strength to finally carry myself.
I have been thinking of attending the NICU reunion, maybe that is part of the full circle closure that I need.
We have been thinking about trying for baby number 2 this winter/spring. Aside from some financial concerns, my biggest fear was/is that I am not emotionally ready. It brings me such comfort and joy to know that I am healing and that it will be possible to bring another life into this world in happiness not in total fear.
For now one step at a time, but progress none the less...
2 comments:
One small step is all we can take. Sending you virtual hugs.
i also obsess over the 50/50 thing. i've talked to moms whose kids came out fine and others whose kids are more severely affected. i wonder, what would make us any different? i mean, we really may turn out badly too. right now, there are 3 categories for me. 1) the kids who never show a single sign. we are not in that category because noah is showing a slight hand preference. 2) the kids who show early signs but end up recovering completely. I PRAY THAT WE ARE IN THIS CATEGORY. and 3) the kids who never recover and end up with CP. these are the kids who limp, wear splints, leg braces, need botox injections, need constraint therapy, need PT/OT for years & years, etc.
i'm so depressed. this happens to 1/4000 people. all my friends/coworkers/relatives have healthy normal kids. and now WE might be THAT family with the special needs child. our friends will refer to us as "oh i have a friend named kathy and her kid has CP" i'll be that friend of a friend who people talk about when this topic comes up.
i know i sound like such an awful person. i just can't deal at all. i'm sorry.
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