My mind usually goes something like this : " what if he has a seizure, stops developing, regresses, develops autism, blah blah blah", " and the on the flip side: he is doing so well, if he would have had issues they would have shown up by now, he will be ok". Kind of exhausting way to live but my brain is seriously never silent. That is the problem with a medical mystery, something you have no diagnosis or prognosis for, no answers. The mystery part is what kills me, what keeps me up at night, and what drives me crazy. I wish I could be more like my husband who's frame of mind is "he's fine, he great, move on, it will all be o.k.". I like that attitude a lot more, but frankly I've tried and it doesn't come naturally to me, I am too much of an anxious, worried, first time mom, with this added spice to the whole motherhood experience and you get me= pretty much a crazy lady!
Since 11-10-07, I have played the "this time last year" game. At first it was this time last week, or this time last month and as time went on it became "this time last year". Not sure if anyone else does this but it goes something like this " this time last year I was about 33 weeks pregnant, excited, glowing, somewhat anxious, I was truly content". That was a pretty simple "this time last year" but some of the times my mind wanders and gets more vivid and I get kind of depressed, luckily that hasn't happened so much anymore.
I am very much looking forward to Noah's first birthday for a variety of reasons. One of them is that I no longer have to play the "this time last year" game in my mind. Last Winter was hands down the most painful time of my life, I am looking forward to putting that behind me and hopefully now when I think "this time last year" it will be filled with happy memories of Noah growing up.
2 comments:
Hi there,
I found your blog through Sarah's blog on BabyStrokeSteps. My daughter also had an in-utero stroke and is now 15 months old. I just wanted to say Hi; the "this time last year" thoughts also run through my head every now and then and it IS so hard and so not natural for me either to think everything is fine (although it totally is) and lets move forward..must be mummy protective instinct :)Anyways, it is nice to know I'm not the only one who has thoughts like that. Thanks for sharing.
take care,
Christine, Mommy to Gabriella
everything you say is how i feel. i constantly stare at my calendar thinking, "this time last year" thoughts. i was so happy this time last year. i torture myself with "what if" thoughts. our neurologists and rehab dr and PT all say noah is doing well but i still can't snap out of this depression. i keep focusing on his left hand preference even though it's still subtle at this point. then i really drive myself crazy and think really far out into the future. will he ever have a girlfriend? will he get married & have kids? or will he just watch his big sister do all these things? i get so sad. i also had a timeline for myself. after he was born, i said, "if i can make it to christmas with noah being ok, i will be ok" and now it's february and i'm actually mentally/emotionally worse than before. some days i will think, "noah will be ok" and then my stupid self will go and google "neonatal stroke" and find a story about a lady whose kid was completely fine up for months and then at 7 months old, he developed severe hemiparesis. then i panic like crazy and annoy the hell out of my husband, and then i get hopeless and depressed ALL over again. i have nothing to feel happy about anymore.
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