365

Last year we met with the geneticist on April 28th, 2008 to get the results of Noah's metabolic testing. Aside from Noah's birth, this was the most traumatic experience of my life. Long story short they were normal aside from a slightly elevated liver enzyme which we have never gotten to the bottom of. But I let go and stopped googling moons ago.

I realized today is actually April 27th and not the 28th but April 27th, 2008 was the day my good friend and co-worker went into labor. As I was sitting in the waiting room of the PICU waiting to hear if my child had a metabolic disorder, I was getting the play by play of my friends labor via text message. 

On April 29th, 2008 my friend had her beautiful, healthy baby girl after 48 hours of labor. All was well, G was perfect and everyone was so proud of K for her hard work and her production of this 9 pound baby. 

Don't get me wrong, I was happy and relieved for her that all had gone so smoothly. I am human though and was also insanely jealous. The combo of her labor and delivery story, PMS and the coinciding day of Noah's test results sent me in to emotional overdrive. My husband and I had a crazy fight that night and I ended up throwing an entire starbucks iced tea at him. Not my best moment. 

365 days later I can say that I have mature. I am still human. But thank God for the better days that were ahead for us!

I wonder where we will be 365 days from now?

Sticks and Stones

I will start this post by explaining I suspect Noah has a speech delay. He can say Mama, Dada, Dog, Cat, Duck, Hi, Bye Bye, Bubbles, Choo-Choo, No, Night Night, Mmmm for food. These usually are spoken sporadically with a few of them being "favorite words". He has said Birdy, Cracker, Cupcake and Turtle but those are words I have only heard once or twice. He growls for wild animals, tries to say "tweet tweet" for a bird, says mmmm for moo.....so we are getting there. He is however 17.5 months old and by no means a fluent talker. Jibberish is his main form of communication and unless a miracle occurs I doubt he will be saying 50 words by 18 months!

So today we were at The Little Gym class. Usually the same parents and kids are there each week but a few newbies pop in every now and again. This dad who I have never seen before randomly walks up to me and asks " how many words does he say?". He had a daughter about Noah's age ( turns out she is 16 months, I asked) and I assumed he was going to strike up a nice convo about their jibberish since Noah runs around jibbering like a wild man. Not so much. I responded that Noah says 6-10 words and mostly a lot of jibberish. If I had counted the exact number of words I have HEARD him say, it would be 16 but I was not trying to get too technical. His response: " Oh my daughter is practically speaking in sentences, it must be a girl thing". He then proceeds to walk away. ::::Punch in the gut::::

Now this man has no idea Noah was born with a brain injury. Or that I am neurotic and obsess about things like speech and development. Or that he is a complete moron. 

I spent the remainder of my afternoon obsessing about this comment. Running it through my head. I know this is just the start of the comparing games, the competitive nature of some parents, but really...I needs some witty responses ready to throw back! 

I did get a bit of pleasure out of Noah saying "bubble" when the teacher blew bubbles...but seriously, can't I just enjoy a morning with my little miracle?

Happy

Today is friday

Today is 80 degrees and sunny

The forecast for tomorrow and sunday is 80 degrees and sunny

Noah just ate 3/4 of a slice of pizza. For a mom of a picky eater this is enough to make me giddy.

I am about to have my nap time happy hour glass of pinot

Ahhh, life is good.

All coming back...

Wow, has it really been 2+ years? Do I have a 1.5 year old? Are we doing this again??? These are just a few of the questions running through my head!

My self dialogue goes something along the lines of: 

I am so excited, could I be pregnant already??

Wait...how am I going to do this???

Old friend

When I was TTC Noah I used fertilityfriend.com, a free online site where you can track your temps and all your "signs" in an attempt to pin point ovulation and get pregnant. In preparation for baby number two ( it looks weird even to type this let alone say this) I decided to give the website a quick glance over since this month we already threw caution to the wind and now I am suddenly TTC obsessed. 

I was flooded with memories of TTC Noah. My old "chart", the old logo's, it all brought me back to December 2006 when I stopped taking birth control and started trying for the baby who would grow and become my Noah. What a journey it has been! In the past 2 years and 4 months I have grown leaps and bounds, aged about 10 years, became a mom, and loved more than I thought possible. I am both bursting with excitement and literally petrified of doing this again. 

Up until this point it has been only about Noah. Now it is quite possibly going to be about Noah and another little critter. Another little human being, my little human being is just waiting to be created, and what a wonderful miracle this will be.

I have both dreaded and looked forward to this moment for some time now. I loved being pregnant and I love being a mom, there was just a few curveball thrown in the mix. The more my husband and talk about an addition to our family the more I realized that we did survive life's curveball and we are a bit wiser than before. 

The time has come to jump into the cold pool, and just like on a hot summers day we know it will be glorious but only if we take the leap.

The direction of this blog is going to change and grow and twist along the path our life takes- I am thankful for this safe haven and thankful for a place to record my feelings during what could quite possibly be the longest most terrifying and yet wonderful 40 weeks of my life- and until then my TTC journey for baby number 2.

Waves

I don't ever really ever have the urge to blog unless I get hit with a wave of sadness or frustration. I do try to make a point to recount happy and positive moments, which  fortunately do come plentiful in my life but those I usually document through my pictures and in Noah's scrapbooks. 

This weekend I left Noah with my parents for his first sleepover at MiMa and Grandpa's house. Initially I was riddled with emotion, guilt and missed my boy. However, a few hours into the night and a few Kettle One and seven's later, it felt good to be out for the night for the first time in two years! When my husband and I got home the house seemed so weird. We have been conditioned to be quiet while in the kitchen after dark. Conditioned to tip toe up the stairs and whisper in our bedroom. It was very surreal and very empty to be in the house without Noah. We moved in when Noah was one and the house has never been without him while we are home. It really drive home how intertwined Noah is into our lives, how he has become a part of us just as our arms and legs are. In the morning I was glad to hear he had fared well, slept from 9pm to 6:30am and was happy as a clam. Of course when we came to pick him up he was squealing with delight, hugging and kissing us- the best feeling in the world! 

Sunday we went hiking at Minnewaska State Park. I am not sure if any blog readers are familiar with thus place but it is really a little piece of heaven on earth. We are so fortunate to live in an area that provides is with such beauty essentially in our backyard. Noah was running and hopping, picking up sticks and throwing them in the running water. It is so cool to see him growing into a little boy albeit sad that my baby is gone. Noah did however throw a tantrum which was slightly embarrassing and slightly amusing when it was time to walk away from the stream. Throwing sticks into water is apparently thrilling for a 1.5 year old and when the thrill came to an end Mr. Man was less than pleased. As he gets older and he is starting to exert himself ( i.e. throw a fit when he doesn't get his way) my husband and I are met with a whole new parenting challenge. The pressure to "react" the right way is immense, will this shape how he responds to stress/frustration/anger/sadness his whole life??? As a therapist working with juvenile delinquent/emotionally disturbed boys I am constantly worried I am creating a future monster!

I titled this post waves because the waves of sadness washed over twice this weekend. The first wave was watching Noah play in the water. He was so happy, so cute, such a normal little guy. I am ecstatic that Noah is who he is but I continue to worry about his future. Lately I notice he gets very hyper at The Little Gym. He is not hyper anywhere else but tends to get over stimulated there. Is this a sign of his brain injury or is this a normal 17 month old little boy quirk? So as I sat there watching my boy play in the most beautiful natural setting imaginable, I was angry that these thoughts crossed my mind. Blessed to have these moments and angry at my mind for wandering to negative places. Such a see-saw all the time. 

The second wave came with the phone call that my husbands cousin had her baby. A healthy baby boy, a perfect labor and delivery. Everyone is resting comfortably. Happy ever after. The end. 

O.k. O.k. I know it's not necessarily happy ever after and most certainly not the end but the green eyed jealously monster tends to go there. I am o.k. and baby showers ( that took a little while), I am ok with pregnant people ( that took a bit longer) but I still get choked up after hearing about the picture perfect births ( maybe I just need some more time). It is not that I am not happy for her and her new little man it is just that I get sad that Noah and I did not have that bonding time and sad that I never had the newborn- mommy and me moments others seem to cherish. I hung up the phone and sat and cried. The tears only lasted a momentarily but I was mad that I even got teary to begin with. 17 long months later and this is still the ripple effect. 

Just another wave I guess. 

Women and scary rabbits

Women are strange creatures. Don't get me wrong, I love my girlfriends and in general men are just as irritating in their own way, but get in a circle of girls and your sure to have an earful to think about!

Saturday old friends stopped by with their 5 month old son. I haven't seen them since last July so we spent time catching up, oggling over the baby and making general small talk. I broke out the wine a few hours into our visit just in time for our neighbors ( who are also old friends) to come over as well. "D" who lives next door has been trying to get pregnant for a year. Wine helped ease our way into conversations about cervical mucous, labor and delivery, PPD and all the other gory details. My friend with the 5 month old chimed right in regarding her own "dark" days following the picture perfect delivery of her son. Is it that we always find something to be unhappy about?

It was refreshing to see that despite three very different paths to motherhood, most of the feelings remain the same. See...I am not that crazy.

This weekend has been crazy busy, with a visit from friends on saturday to Easter on Sunday. I needed a weekend from the weekend but life moves on and it's Monday. If I ever get around to scanning Noah's easter bunny picture from saturday it will sure provide a good laugh. In true me fashion I felt like dysfunctional mom of the year- Noah FREAKED when I placed him on the bunny's lap...the lady was trying sooo hard to get him to smile and I just kept shouting "take the picture!!!".  No one could believe I wanted a picture of him crying, but really, it's funny, and it's his true reaction this year .  He did the same with Santa. Do you blame him?