This weekend I left Noah with my parents for his first sleepover at MiMa and Grandpa's house. Initially I was riddled with emotion, guilt and missed my boy. However, a few hours into the night and a few Kettle One and seven's later, it felt good to be out for the night for the first time in two years! When my husband and I got home the house seemed so weird. We have been conditioned to be quiet while in the kitchen after dark. Conditioned to tip toe up the stairs and whisper in our bedroom. It was very surreal and very empty to be in the house without Noah. We moved in when Noah was one and the house has never been without him while we are home. It really drive home how intertwined Noah is into our lives, how he has become a part of us just as our arms and legs are. In the morning I was glad to hear he had fared well, slept from 9pm to 6:30am and was happy as a clam. Of course when we came to pick him up he was squealing with delight, hugging and kissing us- the best feeling in the world!
Sunday we went hiking at Minnewaska State Park. I am not sure if any blog readers are familiar with thus place but it is really a little piece of heaven on earth. We are so fortunate to live in an area that provides is with such beauty essentially in our backyard. Noah was running and hopping, picking up sticks and throwing them in the running water. It is so cool to see him growing into a little boy albeit sad that my baby is gone. Noah did however throw a tantrum which was slightly embarrassing and slightly amusing when it was time to walk away from the stream. Throwing sticks into water is apparently thrilling for a 1.5 year old and when the thrill came to an end Mr. Man was less than pleased. As he gets older and he is starting to exert himself ( i.e. throw a fit when he doesn't get his way) my husband and I are met with a whole new parenting challenge. The pressure to "react" the right way is immense, will this shape how he responds to stress/frustration/anger/sadness his whole life??? As a therapist working with juvenile delinquent/emotionally disturbed boys I am constantly worried I am creating a future monster!
I titled this post waves because the waves of sadness washed over twice this weekend. The first wave was watching Noah play in the water. He was so happy, so cute, such a normal little guy. I am ecstatic that Noah is who he is but I continue to worry about his future. Lately I notice he gets very hyper at The Little Gym. He is not hyper anywhere else but tends to get over stimulated there. Is this a sign of his brain injury or is this a normal 17 month old little boy quirk? So as I sat there watching my boy play in the most beautiful natural setting imaginable, I was angry that these thoughts crossed my mind. Blessed to have these moments and angry at my mind for wandering to negative places. Such a see-saw all the time.
The second wave came with the phone call that my husbands cousin had her baby. A healthy baby boy, a perfect labor and delivery. Everyone is resting comfortably. Happy ever after. The end.
O.k. O.k. I know it's not necessarily happy ever after and most certainly not the end but the green eyed jealously monster tends to go there. I am o.k. and baby showers ( that took a little while), I am ok with pregnant people ( that took a bit longer) but I still get choked up after hearing about the picture perfect births ( maybe I just need some more time). It is not that I am not happy for her and her new little man it is just that I get sad that Noah and I did not have that bonding time and sad that I never had the newborn- mommy and me moments others seem to cherish. I hung up the phone and sat and cried. The tears only lasted a momentarily but I was mad that I even got teary to begin with. 17 long months later and this is still the ripple effect.
Just another wave I guess.
1 comment:
I truly believe that everyone has their "waves." You are not alone! By the way...every 17 month old gets overly excited...not just Noah!
~Elyse~
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