See ya'll soon

We leave tomorrow for our week at the beach. A week, sharing a house with my parents and brother. This should be fun but this also should be interesting ;) I will have lots of pictures to share when we get back!

Ripple effect

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my marriage ( it's hard not to with all the tension) and the ripple effect that Noah' birth has left behind. I picture a tiny dot representing his birthday and all these rings circling around it, each ring a new day, month, year. Last year when Noah was still so new, still just a baby, I had a hard time looking past that dot in the center. I was still so worried about him, still taking him to all sorts of specialists, and still stuck on what had happened and what the future would be like. As the days and months passed and Noah thrived, I used his birth as an excuse for why I was feeling like I was- anxious, sad, angry, tired and I blamed my husband for his lack of understanding.

Noah will be two in November. I can not believe it has been almost two years since that fateful day when my world changed forever, both good and bad. Looking back at all those ripples I can see now where I went wrong, where I placed blame, where I should have been happy instead of so so sad. 

When you leave the NICU they have you sign tons of paperwork, but where was my warning on what all this would do to me and my marriage? J and I need to see a counselor, the ripples are getting ugly. 

Lately, looking at Noah fills my heart with so much joy. Don't get me wrong, looking at him has always filled me with joy but he is turning into such a little man, learning new words everyday, has such a sill personality. It's a reminder that this is not because of him, it's because of how I reacted to a crappy situation and for once, for him, I need to actively change some things for the better. 

It' s time to put 11-10-07 to rest ( expect of course making 11-10 a happy day filled with birthday wishes) and look forward, we don't need any more ripples in this pool

Monday Funday

Usually Monday's are, well.... Monday's. Today starts the last work week till' vacation ( we are leaving friday). It's sunny out, my hair isn't frizzy and Noah ate breakfast- can't get much better than that. I take that back, if Noah poops today that will just bring it over the moon! ( amazing how my life revolves around how much my kid ate and how much my kid pooped). 

I am feeling better about the whole work incident both physically and mentally. This weekend was just what I needed, lots of trips to the playground, petting zoo and hikes along the hudson. I am ready to start (and end) this work week and head down to the beach on friday for some fun in the ( fingers crossed) sun. 

Beat it

Yes I know, now that the whole death of Micheal Jackson hype is over I should not be quoting his songs but I could not think of a better title!

For the very few of you that read my blog, I am not sure if any of you know about my career. I am a social worker ( I have a BSW and an MSW in social work, my masters with a clinical concentration). I work as a therapist at an all boys residential treatment center which houses about 55 boys ages 10-21. My boys are in the enhanced program meaning they have a complex combination of developmental delays ( most with MR level IQ's and a few on the autism spectrum) and mental health issues ( schizophrenia, bi-polar, PTSD, ADHD, ODD to name a few). My job is challenging but I love it and would not trade it for the world.

Yesterday however, I was assaulted, actually attacked and while I have been "roughed up" before, never to that degree.

One of my boys, a almost 16 year old with PDD NOS, PTSD, ODD, ADHD and possible chromosomal issues that are yet to be determined, attacked me completely unprovoked. This is a boy I protect and advocate for, who I really really like and enjoy working with. He ripped a necklace off my neck that I got on my honeymoon and destroyed it. He shoved me and punched me in my back really hard. He pulled my hair trying to get my sunglasses off my head, and when he did he destroyed them too. My ego and my back were hurt and so were my feelings.

Today I feel like I got in  car wreck, I am really sore. This boy is BIG ( 200 plus pounds). I am sad that it happened and also sad that he feels sad ( he was really apologetic). I am sad that my necklace from mexico is gone. I am surprised how "sad" the whole situation made me. 

exhale

O.k., whew. All better.

Today was a better, less drama filled day. 

When I write about my marriage on here I often feel guilty and embarrassed afterward. I know that is silly since it's my blog and it's pretty secret as far as my real life identity goes but it's still kind of taboo, marital issues that is.

Work was all kinds of crazy today, plus I had to take Noah in for his 2nd Dtap ( yes I am that mom , the vaccine fearing, vaccine splitting one) so now let's just hope he has no reactions and all will be well in my neck of the woods! 

Low Blow

To start, two posts in one day usually means it was not a good day.  Honestly, there was not one thing in particular that stood out, it was just me being tired and slightly hungover and my husband being his usual less than supportive self. The icing on the cake was the baby shower I attended, for my husbands co-worker's wife. Baby showers are a bit sore lately and I didn't really know anyone plus I was tired and really did not want to be there. So that, topped with my period, topped with ( surprise) Noah not eating dinner boiled over into an argument.

Sometimes I wonder if Noah would be better off if we were divorced. There is always tension in our home, in our car, wherever we go as a couple, tension follows. It's like we give off bad energy and I wonder how much of it Noah internalizes. The fighting, the arguing, the harsh words, I don't want my kid to grow up in a household like this. I really don't know how to make it better or if that is even a possibility. The saddest thing about it is having more kids- how selfish am I being for wanting to bring more kids into this picture?

So as I was walking up the stairs to "take space" away from my husband, he called after me stating I was a bad mother. Really, isn't that the lowest blow of them all? I usually don't cry when we fight but that one really stung. I already feel like a bad mom,  a selfish mom consumed with my own shit. I try not to sit on guilt to long, but in that moment I had to lock myself in our computer room and have a good cry. 

I started a blog in an attempt to find other children who had a similar story to Noah's. As it grew and I grew I started writing about my feelings post partum, Noah's doctor's appointments, his milestones, etc. Back then I felt like a negative nilly because most of my posts were about my anxiety about being a new mom with a little birth trauma thrown in. It's really sad that back then was the happier blog, because now I just bitch about my marriage and how cloudy our household has become. 

Over the bumps we go I guess....

Party Like it's 1999, or not.

Yesterday was my 10 year High School reunion and let me say, we all should have left 1999 where it belongs ( way in the back of our brains, shoved into a tiny corner never to be reopened). Initially I really did not want to go but I still have a couple close friends from high school who were going and I didn't want to regret not going, so I sucked it up and went. First off, everyone is older and fatter than I remember ( including myself) Also, the cliques still stayed in their respective corners. All in all it was funny but painfully awkward, I swear we had the most boring reunion in history. I drank way too much and smoked way to many cigarettes....I guess I was trying to channel my former- 1999 self. Don't think i'll be going to the one in 2019 and my liver and lungs will thank me.