Low Blow

To start, two posts in one day usually means it was not a good day.  Honestly, there was not one thing in particular that stood out, it was just me being tired and slightly hungover and my husband being his usual less than supportive self. The icing on the cake was the baby shower I attended, for my husbands co-worker's wife. Baby showers are a bit sore lately and I didn't really know anyone plus I was tired and really did not want to be there. So that, topped with my period, topped with ( surprise) Noah not eating dinner boiled over into an argument.

Sometimes I wonder if Noah would be better off if we were divorced. There is always tension in our home, in our car, wherever we go as a couple, tension follows. It's like we give off bad energy and I wonder how much of it Noah internalizes. The fighting, the arguing, the harsh words, I don't want my kid to grow up in a household like this. I really don't know how to make it better or if that is even a possibility. The saddest thing about it is having more kids- how selfish am I being for wanting to bring more kids into this picture?

So as I was walking up the stairs to "take space" away from my husband, he called after me stating I was a bad mother. Really, isn't that the lowest blow of them all? I usually don't cry when we fight but that one really stung. I already feel like a bad mom,  a selfish mom consumed with my own shit. I try not to sit on guilt to long, but in that moment I had to lock myself in our computer room and have a good cry. 

I started a blog in an attempt to find other children who had a similar story to Noah's. As it grew and I grew I started writing about my feelings post partum, Noah's doctor's appointments, his milestones, etc. Back then I felt like a negative nilly because most of my posts were about my anxiety about being a new mom with a little birth trauma thrown in. It's really sad that back then was the happier blog, because now I just bitch about my marriage and how cloudy our household has become. 

Over the bumps we go I guess....