Ripple effect

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my marriage ( it's hard not to with all the tension) and the ripple effect that Noah' birth has left behind. I picture a tiny dot representing his birthday and all these rings circling around it, each ring a new day, month, year. Last year when Noah was still so new, still just a baby, I had a hard time looking past that dot in the center. I was still so worried about him, still taking him to all sorts of specialists, and still stuck on what had happened and what the future would be like. As the days and months passed and Noah thrived, I used his birth as an excuse for why I was feeling like I was- anxious, sad, angry, tired and I blamed my husband for his lack of understanding.

Noah will be two in November. I can not believe it has been almost two years since that fateful day when my world changed forever, both good and bad. Looking back at all those ripples I can see now where I went wrong, where I placed blame, where I should have been happy instead of so so sad. 

When you leave the NICU they have you sign tons of paperwork, but where was my warning on what all this would do to me and my marriage? J and I need to see a counselor, the ripples are getting ugly. 

Lately, looking at Noah fills my heart with so much joy. Don't get me wrong, looking at him has always filled me with joy but he is turning into such a little man, learning new words everyday, has such a sill personality. It's a reminder that this is not because of him, it's because of how I reacted to a crappy situation and for once, for him, I need to actively change some things for the better. 

It' s time to put 11-10-07 to rest ( expect of course making 11-10 a happy day filled with birthday wishes) and look forward, we don't need any more ripples in this pool