Floodgates

Tonight the dam broke, and the flood poured out. The past 15 months have really been exhausting. The worry, the anxiety, the lack of emotional support from my husband, the constant waiting for the other shoe to drop- it just is too much sometimes. As a therapist you would think I would know when it was time to seek help, I think the rational part of me knew a long time ago, but the irrational part kept thinking it would all just go away. It hasn't gone away. Some days, even months, I think it has. It always comes back, like a skeleton in my closet, my dirty little secret, the cloud over my head. 

Noah doesn't eat. This is what set me off this time. He picks, but seriously barely eats. He will eat bread and yogurt, applesauce, crackers, cookies, but no real food. Oh he eats Pizza. That is it. Dinner is a constant struggle. A battle of wills where I always end up defeated. I am scared something is wrong. It is the first thing he has presented with that in my eyes isn't "normal". He has his 15 month well visit next week. I am scared we will be referred to another specialist. Most of all I just want him to EAT. Noah only weighs about 19 pounds. He has always been small and that is fine, but he needs to be eating more table food by now. 

This is causing my husband and I to butt heads. I cry and he tells me I am ridiculous. Maybe I am ridiculous, but it's still how I feel. I feel ready to burst. I can't even eat a meal because I am consumed with what Noah did and did not eat. Am I creating issues? Is my anxiety getting the best of me or is this a real problem? I am so confused. 

Sometimes I wish life had a fast forward button so I could look into the future and see how my story ends. Will it be a happy ending? If not, I want to just know so I can stop obsessing about the what-ifs. The whole mystery of what happened, that is a killer, especially for someone like me.