Holy emotions!

Lately I feel like one big ball of emotions. Sometimes I think it's hormones, sometimes I think I am being completely irrational but all the time I am trying to work through it as painlessly as possible.

I am 20 weeks pregnant. Actually, by this weekend I will be 21 weeks. I am at the half way point. Craziness! There are times that I get so anxious about delivering this lil'guy that it takes my breathe away. I am so. so. so. scared. Right now I can cope. I can go to my happy place. I can rest my hand on my belly and feel Rowen ( yes I think that's his name) moving. My heart rate slows and I go on with the moment. But what I am really scared about is the hours after delivery, when shit hit the fan with Noah. How will I get through those first 4 hours? That first night? Will I lose it or will some calming peace come over me. Big Sigh. No one said this would be easy. In fact, those first few days after Noah was born, all the labor and delivery nurses, the NICU nurses, they would always ask if Noah was my first. When I would say yes, they would suck their teeth, sigh, and say how sorry they were. They knew how hard it would be to have more. Back then I thought about future kids but was so riddled with worry over Noah that I didn't really allow myself to go there. Truth is, we are now there and it's just as hard as I would imagine it to be.

Coincidently my co worker found out she was pregnant yesterday. She is due about 4 months after me. De ja freaking vu. She had a daughter 5.5 months after I had Noah. I came back from maternity leave scarred for life and had to stare at her pregnant belly for 3 more months before she left on her own maternity leave. She had a beautiful labor and delivery and gave birth to a healthy 8 pound baby girl. I was so relieved and happy for her. I was also insanely jealous. The night her daughter was born was one of my ugliest post-Noah moments. I was so emotional I snapped. I snapped on my husband that is. To be exact, I tossed a venti iced passion tea lemonade in his face Very. Very. Ugly of me. So once again having her ride the coat tails of my subsequent pregnancy is a bit weird. I am very excited to share these moments but also a little rattled that history will repeat itself.

So that is where I am at today.