Peaceful thoughts

My labor with Noah was beautiful. I was in a hospital, yes. But my nurse was pretty awesome, giving me advice, supporting me and coaching me through the most god awful pain of my life. My husband on the other hand was a big, blubbering mess. It was sweet though and even he cried due to the amount of pain I was in. I labored in the bathroom over the toilet for 7 hours straight. I laid on the bathroom floor as my husband poured ice cubes over my body. I was so damn hot and the bathroom oddly enough was the only place I felt comforted. I started pushing around 3am maybe. I don't really remember. My mother arrived as did my mother and sister in law. Both moms sobbed as Noah came barreling into the world. I was tired and bloodied, ripped and raw, but felt more powerful than I could have ever imagined. Oh, and yes, I did poop on the table. I just birthed a baby, au natural and I felt damn good about it. My last meal was a bagel with peanut butter on it, about 2 hours after he was born. I was energized and excited.

That is until shit hit the fan.

I don't often think about the beauty in his birth. Of course I see the beauty in him but when I think about 11/10/07, I never relive the beautiful moments of my labor. For me, and I suppose most women, laboring and delivering a baby is a momentous, powerful, defining experience. When things go wrong. really. really. wrong. I felt robbed, shameful, sad, you name it I felt ( feel) it. This time around, first and foremost I pray, beg, plead for a healthy baby but I am also hoping for some kind of healing. For this reason I have chosen to deliver in a different hospital, with a birth center. I will obviously have the appropriate medical staffing but also a doula who is these just for me and my husband.

Doula shopping has not been easy. Giving birth is so intimate. I am planning on laboring in the birthing tub this time and need to find someone I am comfortable with since this person will no doubt be experiencing some pretty raw and unedited versions of me, emotionally and physically . My co-worker and good friend and recommended a few, browsing their websites I see things like candles, aromatherapy, massage, music..... not really at all what I think of when giving birth. But I am trying to think outside the box. I am trying to lift myself up and find some inner peace. I am trying to give myself some emotional healing while giving Rowen a beautiful entrance into this crazy world. I don't want to create a plan and get let down, but honestly if I need a c-section to get him out safely then that is ok. But planning and thinking about what I want to have this birth look like, it gives me a sense of control and a sense of peace.

Last week at my doctors appointment she looked at me and said "fingers crossed that this won't happen again". Ummm....yeah, thanks. I left feeling scared, anxious and defeated. I am sick if feeling like that. I am choosing to feel peacful, excited and elated. This helps me to feel those things.

Oh and I get a prenatal massage for my birthday this weekend. I am sure that won't hurt either.