Wild thing

My son is wild.

I have a wild child. 

I never realized how truly "busy" Noah is until our little gym class today. The instructor even commented "wow you have your hands full". Hmmm.... maybe this explains the constant yawning and need for bedtime at 6 pm? (I am referring to me, not Noah). 

There is one other 15 month old in our class. I couldn't stop comparing Noah to him. Yes, the comparing and worrying and obsessing is a curse. He was equally as "busy" as Noah, babbled mostly with few recognizable words just like Noah.  Albeit he didn't freak out like Noah did when the bubbles were put away (but hey, the boy likes him some bubbles! ). The one major difference was size. Noah is a shrimp. I knew he was a peanut, but didn't realize he was that small. Seriously he is tiny! I hope he doesn't have short man complex as an adult. 

So what did this over anxious, slightly paranoid, very tired mama conclude after our little gym class this morning? That Noah is diagnosed as a wild peanut. Eureka! 

Blogaversary

One year ago this month ( not sure of the day since I erased my old posts) I started this blog. February 08 was a weird time in my life. I had just started back to work from my 12 week leave, we we seeing a whole slew of specialists, and I was in a state of shock, worry, and panic a good part of every day. I as a person and we as a family have come a long way. I am thankful to be able to have a space that is mine to share my thoughts and feelings and to have such wonderful, knowledgeable, caring people share their own experiences and feelings with me. Thanks for all the e-mails, comments, well wishes, and support!

There are a few new people who have commented on this blog recently. I know some people have wanted to know Noah's story, and it's been awhile since I have explained so I will sum it up in a few sentences:

Noah was born after an induction due to him having stopped growing since 36 weeks ( this was realized at a routine 38 week ultrasound).  I had a reaction to the cervidil and went into full blown labor immediately and the cervidil was removed. I had a constant contraction for seven hours ( I forget the medical term for this) but the doppler never showed distress. Noah was born at 3:50am, screaming ,pink, and seemingly healthy. The cord was wrapped around his neck but not tightly. All was fine until about 4 hours later when he started having apnea spells. A CAT scan showed severe brain swelling and later that night he had an abnormal EEG. Noah was very sick for the first 24 hours, but then miraculously started to improve. Noah breast fed after 2 days, had an normal MRI after 3 days, and a normal EEG at 5 days- we were sent home on the 5th day of life. Noah was off phenobarb by one month, and was followed by a neurologist for the first year of his life. In March he was seen by a geneticist to rule out an metabolic issues. He has developed on track or ahead and is currently 15 months old. What happened is a mystery and I am learning to deal one day at a time.

Ok that TOTALLY wasn't a few sentences but am I ever short winded? 

Doctor Dread

Yesterday was Noah's 15 month check up. Just a routine appointment, no specialists, run of the mill ordinary kids stuff. So why was I freaking out??? Since we moved and have not changed doctors yet, it takes me about 45 minutes to get there. On the ride I went from nervous, to anxious, to almost in a full blown panic.  Would she tell me he is too skinny? Behind in development? Signs of something seriously wrong? I kept pushing these crazy-woman thoughts further and further back into my mind but overall the experience sucked.  Like usual we got good news all around, Noah continues to do well albeit really tiny. But the doctor did make one comment that irked me, and then since I am a nut, overanalyzed and is still overanalyzing a day later. This is how it went :

 Me: We are done with the neurologist now, no more specialists!

Doctor: That is great, now you can get on with your lives

Me: Haha, yeah, until the next baby when I am a worrying mess again

Doctor: :::serious:::, Oh! ( acting very surprised) Your planning on having more children?

Me: well yeah, soon actually...

Doctor: Oh,pause, ok.

Hmmm...does she think I am somehow defective? Am I bad at producing a healthy baby? What the fuck was that supposed to mean??? I ran it by my husband who usually calms my overreactive side down, but he too agreed it was kind of weird. I know I am sensitive, especially when it comes to doctors, Noah, and future children, but seriously...people say that damnedest things!

After the past 15 months, not ever meeting one doctor I like, or actually respect, I feel as if I am doomed from every trusting the medical profession again. As a social worker and a mom it angers me that people become so hardened, so unprofessional, so unfazed- where is the empathy people???

Ok, rant over!

My sweetheart

This week has been ca-ca-craazzzyy. The children at my job ( juvenile delinquents/emotionally disturbed boys) have been off the hook, maybe a full moon, I should google it. It seems there is never enough time in the day since I get home by 6:30 and all of a sudden it's bed time! Tomorrow is different, tomorrow for Valentines day me and my little guy have a date. The whole day just us since the hubby has to work ( and doesn't like V-day since it's a "made up hallmark holiday!".  ) What are we doing you ask? A morning class at The Little Gym ( gymboree type place) and then off to Build A Bear. Since eating is not on Noah's list of enjoyable things we may just skip lunch and get some ice cream...

My friends nephew is in the PICU with bacterial meningitis. He is 7 months old and probably will have some brain damage at this point. Please pray for them. This week I have been hugging Noah tighter and being more aware of my thankfulness for him and his health. Stories like this make days like tomorrow even sweeter. Hope you all have a happy Valentines Day with the sweeties in your life. 

white russians + bad day= crazy blog posts

Sorry about my horribly negative, slightly dramatic post last night. It was a very bad day but things are better this morning, thank god! Noah ate bacon this morning so how could it NOT be a good day ( joking...kind of!) 

Floodgates

Tonight the dam broke, and the flood poured out. The past 15 months have really been exhausting. The worry, the anxiety, the lack of emotional support from my husband, the constant waiting for the other shoe to drop- it just is too much sometimes. As a therapist you would think I would know when it was time to seek help, I think the rational part of me knew a long time ago, but the irrational part kept thinking it would all just go away. It hasn't gone away. Some days, even months, I think it has. It always comes back, like a skeleton in my closet, my dirty little secret, the cloud over my head. 

Noah doesn't eat. This is what set me off this time. He picks, but seriously barely eats. He will eat bread and yogurt, applesauce, crackers, cookies, but no real food. Oh he eats Pizza. That is it. Dinner is a constant struggle. A battle of wills where I always end up defeated. I am scared something is wrong. It is the first thing he has presented with that in my eyes isn't "normal". He has his 15 month well visit next week. I am scared we will be referred to another specialist. Most of all I just want him to EAT. Noah only weighs about 19 pounds. He has always been small and that is fine, but he needs to be eating more table food by now. 

This is causing my husband and I to butt heads. I cry and he tells me I am ridiculous. Maybe I am ridiculous, but it's still how I feel. I feel ready to burst. I can't even eat a meal because I am consumed with what Noah did and did not eat. Am I creating issues? Is my anxiety getting the best of me or is this a real problem? I am so confused. 

Sometimes I wish life had a fast forward button so I could look into the future and see how my story ends. Will it be a happy ending? If not, I want to just know so I can stop obsessing about the what-ifs. The whole mystery of what happened, that is a killer, especially for someone like me. 

Nap time

From 10 until 11 Noah naps. Unless it is a Monday or a weekend, I am at work so I miss out on this "free time". Today happens to be a Monday which means I get to rejoice in an hour of solace which often equals an hour on the computer, sometimes followed by me starting to "google" things, which then equals me starting to worry again that since we don't know what happened to Noah, it must be something really really bad.  :::Sigh:::: I am really trying not to do this to myself!

I have been really bad at keeping up this new house. When we lived in an apartment it was cluttered but manageable. This house on the other hand never seems clean to me. Three bathrooms will never get done, the hardwood always looks dirty, and the tile in the kitchen, forget about it! Housewife of the year I am not. Sometimes I blame my unmotivated-ness on depression, other times I think it's just another me  quirk. But as I sit here on the computer being mindless, I can't help but think about the toilet downstairs that needs a good scrub!

Why can't I be one of those people who cleans when they are stressed??