Tiny reminders

I have started to feel baby move, tap tap and swoosh is basically it right now but it's amazing none the less. This is my favorite part of pregnancy and I am so excited to be experiencing it right now. Noah was super active in the womb ( and out, lol) and I felt him early on like I am feeling this one, if these early pokes are a sign of what is to come I may have another monkey on my hands! Tiny reminders of life's smallest miracles.

Fear

It happened, suddenly and with no warning. I was up late, watching "Mystery Diagnosis". Before I even go on I should add, I should never.ever.be.watching.this.show. Especially when pregnant. It sucked me in, a little girl born with cataracts, she had tremors and developmental delays. No one could diagnose her. Mom gets pregnant with baby number two, everyone assures her this baby will be ok. He is born with cataracts. I lost it. Logically I know Noah is showing no symptoms, that the symptoms he had at birth miraculously resolved and we have moved on without an issue since. He did have elevated liver enzymes at about 6 months which no one could really explain other than he may have had a virus, but that still nags at me. What if this baby is born with a swollen brain and seizures and apnea issues? It would not only rip my heart out but it would mean something is wrong with Noah. In the show it turned out that the kids both had a very rare genetic syndrome with a live expectancy of seven, seven. That poor mama.

So since that show I have been so very fearful. Honestly I want to enjoy being pregnant but I can not wait for May to get here and for me to pop out a 100% percent healthy baby, I need to breathe a sigh of relief. For now, I will be staying away from discovery health and google....fear is a wasteful emotion isn't it?

What's the point?

I am still not sure who, if anyone is reading my blog anymore. It's sort of been shoved to the wayside with the excitement of my pregnancy and my life being blissfully drama free these past few months. I was however caught by surprise a few days ago when someone posted a strange comment, stating my posts were full of grief and asking why I blog with people who have lost their children. While I am still very confused at that latter statement, I was taken a bit by the opinion that my posts seem to be from someone who is grieving, because while yes, I did grieve when Noah was born ( flame me if you want but you were never in my shoes), and I still have moments of anger regarding his first year being filled with so much stress and sorrow over the unknown, these days I am so filled with happiness, love and gratitude for my miracle it seems my heart might burst. I have said this before but will recap. Yes, Noah is fine. Yes, all signs point to him being "o.k". But it was not always like this. Giving seizure meds to a newborn, taking him to neurologists and geneticists, worrying that he had some incurable degenerative disease...those posts, they were filled with grief and rightfully so. I got a chance to wake up from my nightmare and believe me I know how lucky we are but that does not make it all go away. I don't know why I feel the need to explain myself, this is my blog, my space to vent....but I just do not like to be judged in this poor light.

:::ahhhh:::::

Which leads me to some feelings that I need to a) leave this blog for good, or b) make it private. Seeing some unpleasant comments left a bad taste in my mouth and left me wondering- who is reading this? I don't post our names but I post my sons first name and his picture. Is that safe? The internet is a crazy thing and I am thinking I may have "leaked" us a little too far. I feel like I put my heart on my sleeve only for someone to laugh at it. Maybe it's time to protect it a little better. Maybe it's the hormones talking, it's just what has been stewing in my mind since last week.

Once this baby is born ( we find out in a month if it's a Tessa or a Kai ( or Mason or Oliver, lol) I will start a new blog, one that's a bit more anonymous and less dramatic...one I wou;dn't cringe at if my mother read =)

Not sure what my point is, or what is was 2 years ago when I started blogging, but I am still glad to have a space to vent....I would call it a judgement free zone but that's not the case, and that's fine since it's public but all in all it's my space and if you don't like me, you don't have to read about my life.

Balancing act

Last night I went to an open house for centered birth, a group of woman who specialize in pregnancy related things such as doula's, hypno-birthing and yoga. My friend is part of this group and I wanted to go out and support her as well as get some information on all of the above offered services. I am hoping in a way this pregnancy will provide me with some "healing" but trying to balance that with not being selfish and embracing that this pregnancy is as unique as the baby growing inside of me and well, it's not too much about me and more about the life I am "hosting" =)

I got talking to these woman, shared my birth story and listened to their wisdom. These woman are very "natural", against hospitals and epidurals and modern medicine. It's such a balancing act for me because while I agree and hear what they are saying, I am also scared since I know that things can and do go wrong during childbirth. I never know who to believe, who to listen to, so many opinions and options. For now I am taking it one day at a time, going with my gut and listening to my doctors whom I have grown to trust.

*** and on an aside, I had someone post a really nasty comment on my blog about networking with "babylost" mothers. I am not sure if someone stole my "identity" but I don't network with anyone on the internet- I do happen to read and sometimes comment on a blog of a mom who lost her son ( she also has me on her blogroll but she put me on there on her own doing , if you take offense ask her to take me off) , and the reason I connected to this mom is because I had a connection to her sister in law a few years ago when Noah was first born. So please, get your story right before you come on here, judge me and make false accusations. ***

Introducing, The Sequel....

NT scan went well, measurements were well within normal limits, another hurdle down, a million more to go =) This baby was nothing like Noah was, it was so "chill", the tech had to poke and prod to get it to move and it would slowly stretch, squirm and go back to relaxing. Noah was bouncing off the walls during his NT scan.....is there hope for an easy baby ;)

11/9- destined for drama?

Yesterday I bought myself a pass to the ER. I was puking pretty much non stop all day and could not keep down anything, even water. After 6 or so hours and very nasty green bile I decided to call my obgyn who of course said I needed to go to the hospital. I got settled in, hooked up to my I.V. and suddenly remembered, two years ago I was in labor with Noah, in a hospital, hooked up to an I.V. Oh the irony!

Today I am feeling better, just in time for my boys SECOND birthday, I can't believe he is TWO!!!! I am so proud of how far he has come and I look forward to our future together!

Happy Birthday little bear!

Party Time

It's that time of year again, leaves are all but fallen, Halloween is over, holiday's are on the horizon. What does all this mean? Noah is having a birthday and my BIG boy is going to be TWO! I have been busy putting the final touches on his party for this saturday, pony rides and 30 family members and friends = stress + a heck of a good time. I am a little bummed I can't partake in my famous sangria this year but of course even more excited to be carrying baby brother/sister!
This morning as I was driving to work I started getting all misty eyed. Not sure if it was the pregnancy hormones or the fact that my "baby" is truly no longer a baby.....but seriously, where does time go??? And of course, thinking back to those dark early days, the NICU and what lay ahead of us- My god we have all come so very far in only 2 years. What a miracle I have and what a blessing!