6 weeks

Today I am 6 weeks and while I want to savor this pregnancy, I can't wait until I am past 6 weeks 5 days, the day I started spotting the last time. I am pretty optimistic since old mother morning sickness has come a' knocking and while it's pretty shitty, it's also a good sign- so yes, puking makes me happy!
Only 8 more days until we ( hopefully) see the heartbeat!

Fall in Love

Optimism

In an attempt to prevent a daily freak out I have a few mantra's that I repeat in my head over and over and over again. When I think of the next 9 months it's pretty hard to not get overwhelmed or riddled with anxiety and fear. Since I am sure the last few weeks of this pregnancy will be the worst considering Noah's history, I am trying, despite the miscarriage to chill for now. The fact that I am less likely to miscarry than I am to carry this baby to term is what has been getting me through. I took a sick day today. The weather here is gorgeous, Noah and I just spent the morning shopping and now that he is settled in for his nap I am sipping my non-fat decaf no-whip pumpkin spice latte ( say that 3 times fast ;) Today is a good day, I am pregnant and I love my baby.....

5 weeks

Today I am 5 weeks pregnant, the same amount of weeks that our last little nugget stopped growing, the sac measured 5 weeks when I should have been 7 weeks. Today I am willing this bean to grow, Grow, GROW!

Green

I have posted about jealousy before and as selfish and immature as I feel I thought where better to let out my feelings.

Today I called my best friend, the friend I have had since I was 11 years old. My maid of honor. I told her I was pregnant and she had news for me too....turns out she is 10 weeks pregnant herself, due about 5 weeks before me. Immediately I was THRILLED! We spent the next hour talking about morning sickness and cravings. We made plans to go shopping for maternity clothes. She is in Jersey and I an in New York so we live far but vowed to get together, what a great journey for us to share!

Once we hung up I started feeling really moody. I had cramps. Was I having a miscarriage? Noah wouldn't eat lunch, I was getting extra annoyed. My husband- I got short with him too. I started thinking- what made me suddenly so snappy? Then I realized.....I was jealous. Not jealous that N is pregnant, because really I am very excited. I think the jealousy stemmed from her being almost in the second trimester while I am barely 5 weeks, fresh from the throws of a miscarriage. I also realized how much a miscarriage would devastate me. Not that it wouldn't have if N wasn't pregnant, just that now I would have a reminder of what could have been.

I am trying SO hard to stay positive. SO hard not to let the anxiety get the best of me. But fact of the matter is that until I see a heart beating on october 6th, I am going to be petrified every single day.

Dr. Google

When Noah first came home from the hospital I spent hours, and days, and weeks, and months scouring medical journals and articles on neonatal seizures. If you ever google neonatal seizure what comes up is very unpleasant and the result of that sent me into a depressed and anxious state for at least Noah's 1st year. Once I stepped away from the laptop I realized how unhealthy it was to google things and then take what I read as truth and fact . 

Now that I am pregnant again I am once again turning to google. After the miscarriage I have started to scour data, hormone levels, reoccurrence rates, symptoms, lack of symptoms, progesterone, hcg numbers- you name it, I have looked it up. After I got my blood work results on Thursday afternoon I couldn't wait to get home and start "googling".  Have I not learned my lesson?

Yesterday I had a doctors appointment, she was very reassuring. I have an ultrasound on October 6th- 3 weeks. Hoping, praying and wishing that we see a healthy beating heart. I will be beyond devastated if we don't. Until then, I am turning in my doctorate from google and leaving it up to the real professionals....

Waiting game

I go in waves of being really really positive and starting to freak. I had my 2nd blood drawing yesterday and I am hoping to get a call today telling me everything looks good, if no call I have an appointment tomorrow. I keep preparing myself that they are going to call and tell me my levels are low, but on the flip side I quickly "shoo" this out of my head and tell myself everything is ok. Craziness! I really do have to take this one day at a time and for someone as hyper as myself taking things slowly is very very hard. On a positive note my boobs have started randomly burning, taking this as a good signs. Grasping for straws?  I don't know but for today I will take what i can get =)