Green

I have posted about jealousy before and as selfish and immature as I feel I thought where better to let out my feelings.

Today I called my best friend, the friend I have had since I was 11 years old. My maid of honor. I told her I was pregnant and she had news for me too....turns out she is 10 weeks pregnant herself, due about 5 weeks before me. Immediately I was THRILLED! We spent the next hour talking about morning sickness and cravings. We made plans to go shopping for maternity clothes. She is in Jersey and I an in New York so we live far but vowed to get together, what a great journey for us to share!

Once we hung up I started feeling really moody. I had cramps. Was I having a miscarriage? Noah wouldn't eat lunch, I was getting extra annoyed. My husband- I got short with him too. I started thinking- what made me suddenly so snappy? Then I realized.....I was jealous. Not jealous that N is pregnant, because really I am very excited. I think the jealousy stemmed from her being almost in the second trimester while I am barely 5 weeks, fresh from the throws of a miscarriage. I also realized how much a miscarriage would devastate me. Not that it wouldn't have if N wasn't pregnant, just that now I would have a reminder of what could have been.

I am trying SO hard to stay positive. SO hard not to let the anxiety get the best of me. But fact of the matter is that until I see a heart beating on october 6th, I am going to be petrified every single day.