Balancing act

Last night I went to an open house for centered birth, a group of woman who specialize in pregnancy related things such as doula's, hypno-birthing and yoga. My friend is part of this group and I wanted to go out and support her as well as get some information on all of the above offered services. I am hoping in a way this pregnancy will provide me with some "healing" but trying to balance that with not being selfish and embracing that this pregnancy is as unique as the baby growing inside of me and well, it's not too much about me and more about the life I am "hosting" =)

I got talking to these woman, shared my birth story and listened to their wisdom. These woman are very "natural", against hospitals and epidurals and modern medicine. It's such a balancing act for me because while I agree and hear what they are saying, I am also scared since I know that things can and do go wrong during childbirth. I never know who to believe, who to listen to, so many opinions and options. For now I am taking it one day at a time, going with my gut and listening to my doctors whom I have grown to trust.

*** and on an aside, I had someone post a really nasty comment on my blog about networking with "babylost" mothers. I am not sure if someone stole my "identity" but I don't network with anyone on the internet- I do happen to read and sometimes comment on a blog of a mom who lost her son ( she also has me on her blogroll but she put me on there on her own doing , if you take offense ask her to take me off) , and the reason I connected to this mom is because I had a connection to her sister in law a few years ago when Noah was first born. So please, get your story right before you come on here, judge me and make false accusations. ***

Introducing, The Sequel....

NT scan went well, measurements were well within normal limits, another hurdle down, a million more to go =) This baby was nothing like Noah was, it was so "chill", the tech had to poke and prod to get it to move and it would slowly stretch, squirm and go back to relaxing. Noah was bouncing off the walls during his NT scan.....is there hope for an easy baby ;)

11/9- destined for drama?

Yesterday I bought myself a pass to the ER. I was puking pretty much non stop all day and could not keep down anything, even water. After 6 or so hours and very nasty green bile I decided to call my obgyn who of course said I needed to go to the hospital. I got settled in, hooked up to my I.V. and suddenly remembered, two years ago I was in labor with Noah, in a hospital, hooked up to an I.V. Oh the irony!

Today I am feeling better, just in time for my boys SECOND birthday, I can't believe he is TWO!!!! I am so proud of how far he has come and I look forward to our future together!

Happy Birthday little bear!

Party Time

It's that time of year again, leaves are all but fallen, Halloween is over, holiday's are on the horizon. What does all this mean? Noah is having a birthday and my BIG boy is going to be TWO! I have been busy putting the final touches on his party for this saturday, pony rides and 30 family members and friends = stress + a heck of a good time. I am a little bummed I can't partake in my famous sangria this year but of course even more excited to be carrying baby brother/sister!
This morning as I was driving to work I started getting all misty eyed. Not sure if it was the pregnancy hormones or the fact that my "baby" is truly no longer a baby.....but seriously, where does time go??? And of course, thinking back to those dark early days, the NICU and what lay ahead of us- My god we have all come so very far in only 2 years. What a miracle I have and what a blessing!

Memories

I did not realize that being pregnant again was going to drudge up so many memories, both good and bad. But when I started crying at the doctors office today, recounting Noah's birth for what seems like the millionth time I realized just how hard this is all going to be.
The appointment was also full of good moments however- I got to hear the baby's heartbeat on the doppler and my new doctors and midwives are just nothing short of amazing. She requested Noah's birth records and really just eased my mind- I feel like they are listening and supporting but also assuring me that this will not happen again.
This will not happen again....

Blah!

I've got a case of the first trimester blues- tired, cranky and puking. Add in a two year old and it makes for a long and rough 12 weeks! I am *almost* 9 weeks so it seems there may be a light coming at the end of this tunnel! I waft and wane between being extremely excited and extremely freaked out by the fact that I am expecting. I have 7 more months to get used to the idea!

I have been busy planning Noah's 2nd birthday although I am not quite as creative as last year with the homemade invites and coordinating decor/theme. We are doing pony rides and then a party back at the house- simple enough but it's starting to feel like a huge task since we have a large family. I am thinking baby number 2 will get the shaft when it comes to pictures, handmade things and such, it's already getting tiring and we are still just on Noah =)

x2

Yesterday I was about ready to puke or breathe into a paper bag waiting for my appointment. I envisioned seeing a tiny beating heart and just being on cloud nine for the rest of the day. Don't get me wrong, seeing that peanut and that little flicker was wonderful, such a relief and a blessing. I drove and met my mother to pick up Noah. He was very very cranky due to his lack of napping. I was tired and hungry and had a 45 minute drive home. On the way my husband informed me he would be working late. Really trivial things but enough to send my hormones raging. I was in a "funk" for the rest of the evening.
Since we all have a bad cold, I was up tossing and turning most of the night. During one of my mid-night wake ups I started thinking about the day and how my mood turned. It was then that I got thinking how scary having two children is. I mean, with what we have been through with number one I am petrified to do this again. Seeing that little beating heart brought it all into reality- we are really having another baby! How will I have enough love, patience, time, energy, the list goes on and on. As I lay there panicking I had to keep talking myself "down", it will all work out, it will all be ok. I know in reality this is probably true and the odds of another traumatic birth are slim but it's still scary and still enough to keep me squirming!