Sicko's

Good lord, what a week. It started on Sunday, 3am to be exact. Crying Noah, led me to check on him, only to discover a burning hot little man. Sunday his fever spiked to 104.5, scary! He has been sick sick sick ever since. No appetite. Yesterday he had nothing to eat . My poor skinny little man. He has an ear infection, sore throat, cough, runny nose and has puked twice. He is just miserable and I am miserable for him! This is the sickest he has ever been and it blows. Being hormonal and 6 months pregnant does not help. It will be a divine miracle if I don't catch this...I am assuming it's the flu and that would be terrible! I am starting to regret declining the flu shot!

I have had the week off from work playing nurse mommy. I am just hoping he gets better soon and I get my old mundane life back. Mundane is good.

Peaceful thoughts

My labor with Noah was beautiful. I was in a hospital, yes. But my nurse was pretty awesome, giving me advice, supporting me and coaching me through the most god awful pain of my life. My husband on the other hand was a big, blubbering mess. It was sweet though and even he cried due to the amount of pain I was in. I labored in the bathroom over the toilet for 7 hours straight. I laid on the bathroom floor as my husband poured ice cubes over my body. I was so damn hot and the bathroom oddly enough was the only place I felt comforted. I started pushing around 3am maybe. I don't really remember. My mother arrived as did my mother and sister in law. Both moms sobbed as Noah came barreling into the world. I was tired and bloodied, ripped and raw, but felt more powerful than I could have ever imagined. Oh, and yes, I did poop on the table. I just birthed a baby, au natural and I felt damn good about it. My last meal was a bagel with peanut butter on it, about 2 hours after he was born. I was energized and excited.

That is until shit hit the fan.

I don't often think about the beauty in his birth. Of course I see the beauty in him but when I think about 11/10/07, I never relive the beautiful moments of my labor. For me, and I suppose most women, laboring and delivering a baby is a momentous, powerful, defining experience. When things go wrong. really. really. wrong. I felt robbed, shameful, sad, you name it I felt ( feel) it. This time around, first and foremost I pray, beg, plead for a healthy baby but I am also hoping for some kind of healing. For this reason I have chosen to deliver in a different hospital, with a birth center. I will obviously have the appropriate medical staffing but also a doula who is these just for me and my husband.

Doula shopping has not been easy. Giving birth is so intimate. I am planning on laboring in the birthing tub this time and need to find someone I am comfortable with since this person will no doubt be experiencing some pretty raw and unedited versions of me, emotionally and physically . My co-worker and good friend and recommended a few, browsing their websites I see things like candles, aromatherapy, massage, music..... not really at all what I think of when giving birth. But I am trying to think outside the box. I am trying to lift myself up and find some inner peace. I am trying to give myself some emotional healing while giving Rowen a beautiful entrance into this crazy world. I don't want to create a plan and get let down, but honestly if I need a c-section to get him out safely then that is ok. But planning and thinking about what I want to have this birth look like, it gives me a sense of control and a sense of peace.

Last week at my doctors appointment she looked at me and said "fingers crossed that this won't happen again". Ummm....yeah, thanks. I left feeling scared, anxious and defeated. I am sick if feeling like that. I am choosing to feel peacful, excited and elated. This helps me to feel those things.

Oh and I get a prenatal massage for my birthday this weekend. I am sure that won't hurt either.

Name game

I won when we named Noah. In fact, I played a sly little trick on my husband and he fell for it. I fell in love with the name somewhere during my college years, reading Nicholas Sparks. I had casually mentioned it to my husband, then boyfriend, who laughed and said he hated it. I pouted, but due to the wonders of birth control really didn't need to be thinking about naming anyone, except maybe a dog.

Fast forward to 2007. We have always had a girls name. Tessa Marguerite after my grandmothers. Wonder if we will have get a Tessa??? Anyhow- we toyed with Nathaniel for awhile, then Caleb, Schuyler ( shudder) and briefly MacCoy. I liked Kai, he liked Oliver. We could not agree. I decided to dredge up Noah and see what he would say, knowing my husband can't remember what I told him 5 minutes ago, let alone a name I mentioned in 2002. Wouldn't ya' know- he said he loved it. I was all over that one, smiling inside, I had gotten my way, tricked my husband and found a name I, err, WE loved.

So, since Tessa is on the shelf for now, little dude needs a name. I fell in love with Rowen, Noah and Rowen go very well together IMO plus we have the quintessential irish last name to compliment it. Hubby agreed but is now recanting. I still call this little guy Rowen, it just stuck. But now, with my father making fun of it and my hubby waning, not sure if this is what will go on the birth certificate. I still love Kai and hubby still loves Oliver. Noah calls him "baby Oeee" for now which is his version of Rowen.

The name game is frustrating but still a lot of fun.

29

Today I turn 29. I am now in the last leg of my 20's. Not so sure how I feel about this, my 20's were a great time. I was young. I was at my prettiest ( and skinniest!) . I was successful. I was a bride. I was a mother. It was a very fulfilled decade, probably the fullest yet. My 30's? Maybe my 20's just a little more mature! But we don't have to think about that just yet, since after all I am only 29 and have 365 days worth of being a 20-something left!

Janubaby

I am going to be honest, I haven't thought much about the baby I miscarried since I have been so focused on keeping Rowen cooking. I do wonder if he was a he or a she, what happened, what would it be like to have a little one now and not 4 months from now. Yesterday I did think about that little pea though, since yesterday was the day that s(he) was supposed to be born. You hold on to due dates so closely when you first find out that your pregnant, it was weird to have one pass with no baby and such a small memory. I am so thankful and so blessed to be pregnant with Rowen, the day would have been much more difficult without him rolling around in my belly. But yesterday, I did think a lot about the little january baby that we lost and I hope he or she is a tiny star of positive energy we have rooting for us come May.

Holy emotions!

Lately I feel like one big ball of emotions. Sometimes I think it's hormones, sometimes I think I am being completely irrational but all the time I am trying to work through it as painlessly as possible.

I am 20 weeks pregnant. Actually, by this weekend I will be 21 weeks. I am at the half way point. Craziness! There are times that I get so anxious about delivering this lil'guy that it takes my breathe away. I am so. so. so. scared. Right now I can cope. I can go to my happy place. I can rest my hand on my belly and feel Rowen ( yes I think that's his name) moving. My heart rate slows and I go on with the moment. But what I am really scared about is the hours after delivery, when shit hit the fan with Noah. How will I get through those first 4 hours? That first night? Will I lose it or will some calming peace come over me. Big Sigh. No one said this would be easy. In fact, those first few days after Noah was born, all the labor and delivery nurses, the NICU nurses, they would always ask if Noah was my first. When I would say yes, they would suck their teeth, sigh, and say how sorry they were. They knew how hard it would be to have more. Back then I thought about future kids but was so riddled with worry over Noah that I didn't really allow myself to go there. Truth is, we are now there and it's just as hard as I would imagine it to be.

Coincidently my co worker found out she was pregnant yesterday. She is due about 4 months after me. De ja freaking vu. She had a daughter 5.5 months after I had Noah. I came back from maternity leave scarred for life and had to stare at her pregnant belly for 3 more months before she left on her own maternity leave. She had a beautiful labor and delivery and gave birth to a healthy 8 pound baby girl. I was so relieved and happy for her. I was also insanely jealous. The night her daughter was born was one of my ugliest post-Noah moments. I was so emotional I snapped. I snapped on my husband that is. To be exact, I tossed a venti iced passion tea lemonade in his face Very. Very. Ugly of me. So once again having her ride the coat tails of my subsequent pregnancy is a bit weird. I am very excited to share these moments but also a little rattled that history will repeat itself.

So that is where I am at today.

Healing steps

As much as I hate to admit, I love facebook. I have connected with childhood friends I have not seen since I was 8 years old, high school classmates that I would otherwise never know what became of, and as of yesterday, the nurse who was there with me through my labor and delivery of Noah.

I wasn't looking for her per say but a friend of a friend and an old high school classmate is a labor and delivery nurse where I delivered Noah. I was bumming around on the computer and mulling through friends of friends when I came upon her name- so cool! I kinda felt like a weirdo stalker sending her a message but decided to anyway and I am so glad I did. She responded back with such a positive message and it made me so happy to share the happy news of healing that goes along with my little man. Closure comes in many different forms.

This weekend I also started to set up doula interviews. This birth is such a big deal for me and I want as much positive energy and emotional support that I can get! We are aiming for a water birth so we will see what happens- May is a long ways away but I am sure it will be here in a blink of an eye.