One plus one day

Today and last night were actually harder than the actually "Birth-day". November 11th, at about 2am a nurse practitioner from the NUCU came into my room to tell me the EEG results. Mind you I had not slept in almost 2 days, my newborns brain was severely swollen, and now THIS .... it was enough to send me over the edge.  My poor husband was sleeping when she came in , I stopped her mid sentence and told her I was going to wake him up because I wanted him to hear what she had to say. After she left, my husband looked at me and asked me to repeat what was just said because he was half asleep and did not get most of it . I repeated every grim word, and then we just held each other and cried. I climbed out of my cold, lonely hospital bed and slept with my husband on his cot. I needed to be held.  After about 20 minutes I was so panicky I decided to go see Noah in the NICU. I walked alone down the hall, and was buzzed in. I felt slightly awkward since it was the middle of the night but the nurses were kind and welcomed me in. I only stayed a few minutes but I needed to see, touch, smell my baby. That was one of the loneliest, saddest, scariest nights of my life.

The next day was followed by the neonatologist referring us to a geneticist, going through a litany of metabolic disorders, and just general panic and depression on our part. It was all so overwhelming, so shitty, I do not like to "go back" to those days. That is what is so hard, because it was 'those days" that Noah was newly entering the world, so tiny, so fresh...those days are the days that go too quickly and you never get back. 

I am in a much better place about it all, but thinking about those days still makes me very sad, sad for two scared, new parents who were lost in a medical world that was cold, scary, and very very bleak. I want to go back in time, hold them, and tell them that it will be o.k.