It has been a long few days. I left off last week feeling good, Noah was eating better, the weather was in the 60's, nothing too crazy scheduled for the week. Let's just say that winter is back, Noah is teething ( i.e. not eating), he has a cold, bashed his face on the concrete at the end of the week, and I am PMS'ing. And they say life is a roller-coaster, geesh.
Lately I have been on the verge of snapping all the time. I drink to much. I have been eating too much. I fight with my hubby too much. I have been toying with the idea of seeking professional help for oh...16.5 months now and I have never had the courage to actually just do it. The rational part of me knows it is for the best, but the unmotivated semi- depressed part of me can't seem to just get my shit together. For those moms with PPD or traumatic experiences, did you seek help? What was the final straw?
I am trying to count my blessings which as you can see are plentiful. I struggle with the guilt that my son is so far unscathed from a brain injury and here I am still fixated on the past and psychotically worried about the future. Am I just destined to be crazy? ( my hubby would answer a big fat YES).
Today while I was out shopping a young mother was behind me in line. She had two children which appeared to be twins, Noah's age or maybe 1 or 2 months older. The little girl was in the shopping cart happily drinking her cup. The little boy was obviously severely disabled. Mom was carrying him in a front baby carrier ( he was small but had to be at least 16 months), he had little head control and kept having coughing fits. Mom was so gentle. She was so calm. She smiled, handed her twin her cup, talked about what they would do when they got home. I was in awe of her grace, strength, and calm presence.
I often wonder how I would be if Noah had a different outcome. Would I be as crazy as I am now or would I have sucked it up, found the strength and been as wonderful as the mom I speak about above. Moments like this make me grateful but also a bit guilty.
I am now going to try and enjoy my happy hour and my glass of chardonnay. I have a lot of reflecting to do and possible a hunt for a good therapist .....
4 comments:
i just sent you an e-mail so look for it. :) thinking of you!!!
I am sorry that you are going through all of this but I would definetly talk with a therapist even if it is just you and the therapist or the three of you. Thinking of you.
Hi, I think talking to someone might be worth it. I never had the courage to do it myself. What I have done instead is run the imagined conversations I would have with a therapist in my mind over and over again.I imagine what s/he might ask (I'm a counselor myself, seems you're not supposed to ask that many things!) and what I might answer, and sometimes that helps. Every now and then I get to commute to work on my own which is when I like to exercise my mind like this. Maybe there is a helpline you could call instead of actually making a face-to-face appointment? You know, just to talk to someone.
I response to May, I am a therapist too...lol, insane how I have no faith in my own profession- I have always worked w/kids, never adults though!
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