Memories

Yesterday when Noah woke up his eyes looked "funny" to me, my husband disagreed so we went on with our morning routine. When I dropped Noah off at daycare the woman immediately stated that he had "sleepy eyes". I was so glad someone else saw what I was seeing! Upon further inspection we realized it wasn't his eyes but the area between his eyes on his forehead was swollen, causing his eyes to appear smaller. I immediately panicked. This was not where his knot was from falling or where he hit his head, the actual bruised spot is to the right and up much higher. I called the pediatrician and we were seen that afternoon. The ped initially thought the hematoma had spread causing the swelling but upon inspection thought he felt a fracture. A fracture on my baby's head- his poor head. I felt sick. I am almost 31 weeks pregnant and needed to take him back to the hospital for an x-ray but being pregnant, I couldn't go in with him. I was alone. Cue breakdown number 1. My husband came and met me at the hospital, the dreaded hospital where Noah was born. The NICU hospital. The place I hate even the sight of. So yeah, that was fun. The memories all came flooding back as did the sick to your stomach, knot in your belly, want to run and hide feelings. Noah did well and the good news is his skull is NOT fractured- thank god!!!! But the whole situation brought that nightmare back, those feelings I thought were gone but now realize are just buried a little deeper than they use to be. I am so scared to have Rowen and to see more of those feelings resurface. This was just such a slap in the face. All I can do right now is be thankful my little boy is o.k. and take deep breathes....and enjoy the spring sunshine.