Bad Dream

Yesterday was wonderful. We spent the afternoon at my in-laws lake house and Noah had a blast. I am not a huge fan of my in-laws so for me to have a good time with them around is rare. Anyhow that it for another post.  What was so wonderful was Noah had the best time ever swimming in the lake with his cousin. Of course I had forgotten to bring his swimmy diapers so he went in butt naked, skin and bones frolicking in the cold water, all.day.long. I enjoyed watching his so much that I all but forgot how craptastic the last few days were. 

When we got home and Noah was in bed my husband and I went outside on our back deck. I had what was probably my 6th glass of sangria ( hey, it's a holiday weekend) and remarked that I feel as if I was never pregnant this time. For you moms, when you get a BFP ( big fat positive) on a pregnancy test you immediately identify as pregnant. You eat right. You glow. You are exhausted but insanely excited. For me it starts to consume my every move, thought and I was settling into my new role. For three weeks anyhow... and then BAM one morning I was pregnant and a few hours later I wasn't. Very strange and surreal, kind of like a bad dream.

Coincidently I have this week off from work. I am not sure if it's a blessing or a curse. I had planned this week off imagining I'd have morning sickness and I could shlump around the house in my sweats all week since I had vacation time to take- I figured it would be the perfect week. Now, in a way, I am glad I can shlump around in my sweats but now sure if idle time is good for me when I am upset. 

I think everyday it will feel less like a bad dream but I am still consumed with this sinking worry that this will happen again. I keep telling myself: one. day. at a time.