Anatomy of a miscarriage

Yesterday I went for a pelvic exam which I had put off for almost a year. Last summer I started having really bad pain ( an I mean really bad) around the time I ovulate. During my annual at the gyno last August she gave me a script to go get this exam done, but life got in the way and I never went. Since having the miscarriage I want to cover all of my bases before getting pregnant again and so after 10 months I finally made the appointment.

I really didn't think it was going to be a big deal, it was just an u/s at some radiology place. I was the youngest person in the waiting room by about 60 years ( no joke) and  while I was waiting to be called, in between reading old copies of Good Housekeeping, I worried that a) the U/S tech was going to be a male ( it was transvaginal w/one of those dildo looking wands, god help me if a man walked out and called my name!!!) and b) that I was going to pee my pants since I was instructed to drink a ton of water before hand. 

A middle aged woman ::::sigh of relief:::: called my name and as soon as we walked into the room I felt a familiar lump form in my throat. The U/S chair, the machine, the wand...it brought back so many emotions. She excused herself so I could put on a gown and as soon as she left the room I started crying. It was all just another reminder that ultrasounds are not always a good thing since the last one I had reveled no baby and an empty sac. Oh and if I really want to back pedal, the last ultrasound I had done a few days before Noah was born, revealed the first sign that something was wrong with him. I should be almost 12 weeks pregnant now, I should be excited to be nearing the 2nd trimester, and instead of waiting alone for the U/S tech to come in to make sure I don't have something wrong with my girly parts , I should be here with my husband just in time for our 12 week U/S when the baby finally looks like a baby, wiggling around in my ever growing belly.

Ok back to reality. I composed myself. The tech came and did the ultrasound. I drove back to work listening to Michael Jackson throw backs , all the while missing my little January baby who I know would have been another boy who we would have named Kai. 

This grief process has been very interesting to me. It creeps up on me when I least expect it. I didn't even cry when I started bleeding or when the ultrasound revealed an empty sac. I thought I was ok with it all and honestly was more concerned with it happening again than actually missing what was lost. Lately I can't stop missing what we had and what was taken away before we got a chance to really get to know it. 

I never really understood miscarriage and how it affected people. I hate to even admit this but I really thought it was no big deal if it was early on, you just would get over it and try again. Once again through life's little curve balls I have learned another tough lesson, through another bump in the road...