We met in October 1999, I was 18 he was 19 and we had both just started college. He was tall dark and handsome, the cutest boy I think I had ever seen. I was short, skinny and insecure and he swept me off my feet. He taught me what tears of joy were, what passion felt like and most of all through him I learned to love myself.
After a year or two things started to change. We both had a lot of growing to do and we seemed to grow apart. My insecurities opened up a door for him, and at times he would abuse this power that he knew he had over me. Often we would fight about anything and everything but I always clung to him, not sure if I could ever love someone the way I loved him. It was my first love and one I clenched fiercely. I often wonder if I held on too tight, should I have let go?
By the time we graduated college things were falling into place. I got in to a great grad program and he found the perfect job working for my uncle's business. He moved into an apartment that his parents owned and seeing as he was now working and I would have my master's soon we started to plan our marriage. He proposed on December 8th, 2004. I was 23 and he was 24. At the time I felt so very old but even typing 23 makes me shudder..we were babies. The time we spent planning out wedding was one of the best times of my life. The endless possibilities, the romance and fairy tale and most of all the thought of marrying my first love, that tall dark handsome boy who had swept me off my feet. We got married on 10-1-05, the day was unseasonably warm with not a cloud in the sky. I felt more beautiful that I ever have and had not a drop of insecurity as I walked down the aisle.
I'd like to say happily ever after followed, but not so much.
Right from the start we were on separate pages. He was all about making money, buying a house and having nice things. I wanted a baby. He was not ready. I wanted a smaller house in a family neighborhood. He wanted lots of land and to build. I drove a Honda. He drove and Audi. My husband does not know the art of compromise and this led to fight after fight after fight. Don't get me wrong, there was also a lot of love and some very good times but maybe we just weren't the right fit? No one's fault, just a bad match.
In December 2006 I got my way for once, we started to try for a baby. Three months later I got a positive pregnancy test and started the best 9 months of my life. We both rallied together. The fighting all but stopped. It was like planning a wedding, but better. Once again, the future was bright and the possibilities were endless.
On November 10th 2007 Noah entered our lives and changed them in more ways than we ever could have imagined. I sometimes imagine that day as being normal, me in my nursing gown laying in bed holding my son. My husband visiting with roses, friends and family bringing balloons. Would it have been different? Would our marriage look different today?
In those early days, when I would lay awake for hours, days even, the post partum depression so bad I contemplated suicide, my husband was no where to be found. Working late. Dinner with friends. He left me high and dry and alone. Was he coping- yes. But did he abandon me when I needed him the most- you bet. The resentment built. The stress of first time parenthood coupled with a sick newborn, tripled with building a home, it was too much for us to bear. The foundation was not there and our relationship began to crumble.
Truth be told things are not good. We love each other and we love Noah but honestly I am not sure what's keeping us together. I really think it's time I start seeing a therapist but truthfully I'm not sure that has much to do with our marriage.
What a toll this has taken on us.
2 comments:
What a touching account. I found you through busted. Just wanted to say it takes a brave person to write this. Perhaps therapy will give you the strength you need.
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