Patience

I have never been a patient person. I have never liked surprises. I picked out my own engagement ring, as a kid I always snuck a peak at my presents before christmas. I can't help myself, it's as if my mind is always on overdrive. 

When I was pregnant with Noah it was the first time I ever stopped to slow down. Part of it was that I loved having him inside of me and I didn't want it to end, the other part was due to my ever growing belly and the heat of the summer of 2007. After Noah was born I wanted to go back in time. Since time machines are not a reality, I forced myself to focus ( and by this I mean obsess) on the future. For anyone, the future is scary. The uncertainty and the "surprise" factor. When a doctor is telling you "we'll just have to wait and see" in reference to your child's brain and future life functioning it made me crazy. I wanted answers that I couldn't get. So instead every month I looked forward to the next. It meant that Noah was getting older and he was doing well. At 6 months I wanted it to be a year and at a year I wanted it to be two. It always seemed in my mind I would feel better at the next stage but when it came, I just wanted to fast forward.

Don't get me wrong, "rushing" along my child's babyhood is bittersweet. I miss my baby and I know someday I will miss my strawberry blonde, gap toothed toddler. But with Noah I want a happy ending, and I want it to be here already. Logically I know this is not a healthy view but the mother in me just wants the best for my child and I want to be assured he will be ok. 

.....however.....

Through Noah I have learned patience. One step at a time patience. No matter how hard I try I can't rush anything because this is his life and not mine. This leads me to my doctors appointment yesterday-

after going in for my post miscarriage check up be began talking about Noah's story and if there is any possible link to this miscarriage. The doctor believes I may have had a clot in the placenta causing Noah's growth issue at the end of my pregnancy and his apparent oxygen deprivation at some point during labor and delivery. The clotting issue may have also caused me to miscarry. 

So I am going for all the testing to check for these clotting issues...and I was warned NOT to get pregnant for a few months and especially until we get this testing done. 

So here it is,  a lesson in patience...yet again