Self control

Glutton for punishment?

Sadomasochist?

Stupid?

These are the thoughts running through my head in regards to getting pregnant again. Obviously things are not perfect. For one, the marriage waters have been rough and choppy  although hopefully it is smooth sailing ahead. For two,  I had a miscarriage less than 2 months ago. For three, we still don't know the infamous why. So why is it that I want another baby so very badly?

I am going to go out on another TMI limb here. 

Last night we were having sex. All the while I am thinking " I am fertile, I am going to get pregnant, maybe this is it, maybe this is our happy, healthy little girl we have been praying for, is he going to pull out?? Maybe he should pull out. What am I doing????"

and then he pulled out.

I am not going to lie, I was both totally relieved and yet slightly disappointed.  I knew why he pulled out ( we are not ready, I should wait at least another cycle, we have been fighting, money is tight, yadayadayada)  but I still asked him why?? Of course my husband made a silly joke about my "test" results ( the pelvic ultrasound I had last week) weren't back yet and I could have a twisted uterus. We had a good chuckle and went to bed. It's so simple when your a man, isn't it?

Right now it's about enjoying time as a family and communicating better and a whole lot of self control! I know that I am ovulating right now thanks to my clock work body and it's so hard not to just say " fuck it" and get pregnant. But that would be irrational and crazy....and I am not irrational and crazy. Right?

Praying for a "sticky" baby by fall....