When Noah was in the NICU and they were telling me all this vague medical jargon about his brain, the injury and insult to it and what it * might* mean for his future, I found myself getting my defenses up outwardly but inwardly was crumbling.
When we finally got to take Noah home I found myself hawk eyeing him at all times. By this I mean I was watching his every move, literally, almost 24 hours a day. Was that cute laugh he belted out in his sleep a seizure?? Is his moro reflex abnormal?? Why is his fist clenched?? What about that tonic neck reflex??? As he grew and days turned to weeks our "what to expect the first year" book was a constant fixture on our coffee table, not because I needed help on how to give baby a bath, but rather I was fixated on the "what your baby should be doing" section.
To say I pushed Noah would be an understatement. Of course the smiling and laughing thing you couldn't push but other things like reaching, babbling ( ahhh coo), tummy time, rolling, sitting, standing - these things were practiced almost constantly. Noah sat unassisted in a tripod pose at 4 1/2 months and by 5 months could sit well on his own, this is very early and it's because I seriously propped him in the boppy to encourage this wayyy tooo early.
Even now, I repeat words to him all the time ( cat and dog) and he will repeat them after you say it at least 25 times to him...and of course I get all giddy and proud, but why? I am recently asking myself.
It's all because I feel the need to show doctors, HA! you were wrong! Look at my boy, he's smart, he's social, he's happy. I want to ask : is he "normal" enough for you??? You should see me at the neurologist, I feel like a stage mom for pete's sake!!
As Noah grows in his awarness of the world around him I have noticed after he does something he always looks back to me for some kind of validation. If he claps, he looks to find mom, stands, where's my mom to see me? At first this was cute, and made me feel "needed" but lately I am seeing it as a developing problem- my problem.
I don't want Noah to feel like he needs to please me, and I don't want to push him and pressure him because I need to show the world he is o.k., more than o.k., thriving and smart. Noah is a very happy baby and I want him to stay that way....not be one of those nervous kids who always needs to please.
As I look back on this year and my many, many mistakes I think this may be one of the biggest. I need to make an effort not to be so pushy, to let him grow and develop on his own terms. To be a support and a cheer leader, not necessarily a coach.
1 comment:
i also watch my son like crazy. every single thing he does. the other night i thought i saw him kick his left leg more than his right, i PANICKED. my husband wanted to kill me. people tell me "enjoy your baby". i remember in NICU when the dr's told me "take him home and treat him like a normal baby". i wanted to kill them. i thought, "ok you just told me my baby has BRAIN DAMAGE and now you're telling me to forget about it and just bring him home and act normal!!!" i haven't enjoyed a minute with him for the past 4.5 months. all i do when i come home from work is exercise him. i make him do tummy time, sit him up, bring his hands together, stretch & massage him. honestly, i hate it. i wish i was coming home and doing normal things.
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