Before becoming pregnant with Noah I told everyone and their mother that I was getting ready to TTC ( try to conceive). I know in some circles this is taboo, too much information and some find it generally irritating but I was just so damn exited! Every time the subject came up my own mother would say Once you have a baby you can never go back. This statement used to irritate the living crap out of me, for once because it was coming from my mother and for two because I just knew in my heart of hearts that I was ready. How did we know we were ready? We weren't big "party-ers" anymore- check. We had done some traveling and with my fear of flying and newlywed expenses there would be no trips to europe anytime soon- check. We wanted to have a few kids and wanted to be youngish parents- check. I had this insane ache, itch, longing for a baby- check check check.
With that I got pregnant and the rest is history. Sort of. Missing from my check list is all the worry, anxiety, sleepless nights, fights with my hubby, tears, stretch marks, grey hairs. Of course there is the laughter and crazy love but for all purposes we were pretty naive, then again I think all first time parents are.
So last night as Noah wouldn't eat his dinner, and I mean NO dinner for the second night in a row, I snapped. I went upstairs and I cried. We took Noah to the playground and I was pissed. Since when did how much chicken nugget my kid ate dictate my mood??? Where is my manual and where in gods name was my warning about this one??? By the end of the evening I felt better but then the guilt crept in. The i'm a bad mother because I yelled at my toddler for not eating his chicken nugget guilt. I had to laugh at it, are our mother minds ever at ease? I have said it once and I will say it again- dear god bring me a healthy chubby sleepy sweet little girl, I love my healthy skinny hyper hot tempered little guy but another one may just send me over the edge.
1 comment:
I remember when I was about 9 months pregnant my mom told me that this would be the last time I would feel this free again. Most true statement she's ever said to me.
I also find motherhood to be full of stress, anxiety, crazy worrying, etc. I, too, get upset when Adam doesn't eat a meal (which certainly happens often) but, fortunately, it doesn't send me over the edge (usually) as much as before. One reason is b/c if he doesn't eat a meal, I'll give him a Pediasure... so at least I know he's getting something. We call the chocolate Pediasure choc. milk and he drinks it... but I know not all kids will. I also tell myself that he'll make up for it the next day or couple of days and he usually does. That being said, believe me -- I do get upset when he doesn't eat... esp. since he isn't the biggest kid on the block. It's a very mixed bag of emotions. He was holding me so tight this morning and crying "I want Mommy" when he had to leave to go to Montessori (daycare) and my heart about broke. =(
I *hear* this motherhood anxiety/guilt does get easier as the kids get older. Here's hoping! In the meantime, know that you're certainly not alone in your feelings. I just wish more people talked about these sort of things.
Hope you have a better day today. Thinking of you.
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