This may sound weird now, and slightly melodramatic, but after the NICU nurse practitioner came into my room at 2am on that fateful November morning, I sobbed to my husband that he would leave me. I begged him never to leave me. I don't know if it was the drugs, or some kind of premonition, but at the time I felt like we weren't going to make it through this. The next few months, and year, seemed to test our relationship to the limits.
To say that we started to argue would me an understatement. At first, when Noah was just a few weeks old, my husband just sort of disappeared. His excuse was that he was working a lot, and it was partly true, but a lot of times as I begged him to come home, crying, holding my newborn and feeling like I couldn't do this , he just didn't come home. He would stay late and chat with his boss, run to the store, go to the mall to pick up something. He did anything and everything to avoid home. At the time I was seriously depressed, I mean threatening to harm myself depressed. I needed help, and he let me down. In retrospect that was his coping mechanism. But it is something that killed me inside and made me very resentful. The fact that he still won't apologize is the source of some lingering anger even today.
As the months went on I started to pick up the pieces of my own emotional train wreck but the distance between us grew. I worried, and worried, and worried some more, the weight hanging on me like a wet towel. I carried the worry for both of us and I carried it alone. My husbands new avoidance tactic was our new house which he did most of the inside work on himself. He spent 12 hours at a time working there, barely coming home to sleep. I work a full time job and the mom job as you know continued 24/7. Yet again I become resentful, angry. This is yet to be resolved.
We have our good days and then our really bad ones like last night. I look at him and I am pissed. A really deeply ingrained anger and I don't like it. I don't like looking at my husband and sometimes hating him. We have tried to talk about it, have moments when I feel like he is listening but for the most part he blows me off. I know J loves Noah, Noah adores him. It is really not about Noah at all but Mine and J's reaction to becoming parents, particularly with the traumatic start we all had.
How has your relationships changed since having a baby?
3 comments:
Our relationship has also changed dramatically since Adam was born. I can really relate to what you're going through. I also have deep resentment... towards other issues, but it's there. You are certainly not alone. Thinking of you!
Hello!
I just wanted to let you know I read your blog. I do appreciate your writing! Retrospect is amazing, because you can realize things you didn't really know before or even just get what you do know out. I'm not a mom but I have 6 stepsiblings and a half-brother on the way. (Yes, I know. Sigh.... it's a little crazy. All I can say is: THANK GOODNESS I live at college most of the time). I'm fascinated by kids and their resilience. Heck, PEOPLE and their resilience. ;)
You should definitely try to talk to your husband about it before it gets worse. Or don't talk- just do. Be there for him, love on him, go on outings with just him. Don't always be a mommy. Get time off. Eventually, hopefully, he'll return all that doublefold. Sometimes people get ingrained in habits or emotions they don't know how to break.
You seem like a wonderful, caring mother. We all have downfalls but your son doesn't see them. What he sees is what YOU do for him and how much he depends on and loves you.
Have a good day
Wow, that is a huge question. Worthy of a book, IMO. What's emerged is that Dave is in denial, and I can be pessimistic (or pragmatic, depending on how you see it) and we totally balance each other out. I have deeper respect for him than ever because of all the care he gives Max, he really is hands-on. That said, I feel that all of our emotional energy goes to Max, and we don't have much left for each other. But still, we go on.
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