Is it ok to be a little blue even though things are really, really good?
The short answer is, I sure as hell hope so. The long answer is that I have been struggling with that question for months myself!
Noah is your typical 13 month old. Sure issues may arise, but from the standpoint I am at now, he has come farther than those pessimistic, gloom and doom doctors ever verbalized to us in Noah's early days.
So often I wonder why I feel the way I do. Why I would describe 2008 as the worst year of my life. My perfect scrapbooks on our shelf, so lovingly put together show a happy and loving young family, and a beautiful, healthy little boy. What's so bad about that, how could that be the worst year of someone's life? It's the source of a lot of guilt for me and a lot of pain. The only explanation being that we are complex creatures and often don't make much sense! I think the worry and the love we feel for our kids is so deep, so unexplainably strong, that for me when the devil of my shoulder let's my mind wander to the coulda woulda shoulda's and the what-ifs, I simply go down a spiral of defeat and despair.
I am learning...my "blue" moments are fewer, but they are still around to keep me in check at times. I have recently put a more positive spin on it- the "blue" moments make all the other moments all the better.
2 comments:
Don't be so hard on yourself. I think that when you have a kid with challenges there is a long period of mourning for the child that could have been. Even if you are not always conscious of it, it lies deep and bubbles up from time to time. So, let yourself be sad if you need to be sad. Wallow. As Noah gets older, those blue moments will happen less and less.
i know what you mean about the coulda woulda shoulda's and the what-ifs. i sit around and ALWAYS think what i could have done differently during pregnancy and then maybe this wouldn't have happened. i was reading your other post where you said you were seriously depressed, like thoughts of harming yourself depressed. that is exactly what i'm going through right now. i don't tell my friends/relatives how i feel because i don't want them committing me to a mental institution. i just feel completely hopeless.
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